NOT Reblogging Brad Warner

A Little Light Muzak

2012-01-03T19:19:00.000-08:00

Hi All,

Long time no speak on this blog. This post is a bit of a departure, but feel free to ignore.

I've dabbled in music years ago, and just recently (thanks to my friendly Mac with Garage Band) I've started making music again. I'd like to get opinions on a rough demo I've made. Since I don't know you and you don't know me, I trust you'll give it to me straight. Let me know what you think!

My song can be found at http://gurusteve.bandcamp.com/

Leave a comment here or email me at gurustevemusic@gmail.com

New Post!! Why Not?

2011-07-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

So, I said I'd be gone from this blog for awhile and I have been.

Lots of changes, lots of things stayin' the same. Aint that just life though?

Funny how practice ebbs and flows. That's something I still struggle to understand, my own personal koan I suppose. My personal path has been moment to moment attention to breath, and relaxation.

Over the last decade I have sometimes gone away from my practice for anything from a matter of seconds to a matter of months, but I always come back. Lately I don't go as far away from it for as long, but still...the push/pull is there. For whatever reason, there will be periods of time when I suddenly find that I cannot maintain my practice as vibrantly as I would care to.

What is that? I know everyone seems to encounter this up and down kind of thing, and that it is natural. Just as my moods go up and down, and my energy goes up and down, so does my enjoyment and attention to my practice...but sometimes it is frustrating.

In the past I struggled to understand if this was the path for me, whether it was even helpful, etc. Now I feel that I've seen the benefits of practice and diligence. Breathing practice/meditation has shown me so much about my life, and allowed me to discover a kind of happiness I never thought possible.

Yet still I go away from it, still I have times when I feel it is almost impossible, almost useless...like moments of temporary insanity. I just wish I could better understand those times.

I hope everyone is well.

Saying Goodbye to Reblogging Brad Warner

2011-01-03T07:32:00.000-08:00

You might have noticed it's been a long time since I posted anything to Reblogging Brad Warner. Well, I just don't have the time to maintain this blog anymore and reckon I won't be posting much for a long while.

I've got quite a bit going on because I recently started a new blog that's geared toward my writing and that's taking up so much energy that I literally don't have a spare minute...

(Oh yeah, I am still doing my 20 minutes of meditation every day though!)

The new blog is here: http://epubmanifesto.blogspot.com/

It's a bit tamer than (Not) Reblogging Brad Warner, but I think you'll find it still has my same "voice."

I've got four more books for sale that you can check out on the blog also. 7 Habits of a Highly Ineffective Person is doing really well now, especially in the UK. This is thanks in large part to folks from Reblogging BW who bought the book!!

If any of you who read it would care to, please drop on over to Amazon.uk and leave a review for the book...that would be a huge help. If not, that's fine too.

I may drop back again and re-start things here one day, but it might be months. Possibly even longer...

However, there is still one big surprise in store for you all. It's a book that I'm collaborating on with someone familiar to y'all and you'll DEFINITELY get a kick out of it when that's announced in the near future.

Talk soon, maybe I'll see you over at the new space!

Sincerely and with love,

Aaron

7 HABITS A HIT?

2010-12-17T14:31:00.003-08:00

My new book, 7 Habits of a Highly Ineffective Person might be a hit! Climbing the charts on Amazon, you can currently find it at #17 for parodies...course that number fluctuates daily. But still.

If you haven't yet, check it out. I think for less than a buck you'll find enough laughs to justify the expense.

I won't be shilling much longer on this topic, so please don't throw stuff at me just yet for being a salesman!

I haz a Book on Kindle!

2010-12-09T06:11:00.000-08:00

My alternate title for this blog post was going to be "Brad Warner Finally Agrees to Dharma Combat with Genpo Roshi!"

I wanted to get more people to look at this post, but realized I might end up getting burned in effigy...

My book, 7 Habits of a Highly Ineffective Person (Plus Three Other Habits That Are Pretty Bad Too) is now available for 99 cents on Kindle. For less than a buck, I think you could do a heck of a lot worse. Here's what it's about:

The writing of this book came as a revelation to me, after years of sweating it out in Yoga classes, gyms, meditation halls—and even more years of therapy and life-coaching. (By the way, if you are looking for a life-coach, definitely stay away from ads in the Discreet Meetings section of Craigslist.)

After all those years of searching aimlessly for some different or better version of myself, I came home to exactly who I am right now and realized, it’s not so bad being me. And maybe it’s not so bad being you, either. 7 HABITS OF A HIGLY INEFFECTIVE PERSON (PLUS THREE OTHER HABITS THAT ARE PRETTY BAD TOO) will show you that the only thing we have to fear is not fear itself, but an interruption of our On Demand Cable service.

This book takes the power back from the self-help gurus and puts it in the hands of the people. That’s why you’re smelling that slightly musky, unwashed smell right now. That, my friend, is the smell of the people.

Instead of trying to lose weight, become more “zen”, or find our dignity, 7 HABITS helps us locate something a little simpler: the remote control and a pack of Ding-dongs from the nearest Store 24.

So check out this book and remember, You can't do it!

To Anon #108, A Reply

2010-12-08T13:17:00.000-08:00

A certain commenter (known as Anon #108) and I have had an ongoing argument about meditation. Specifically, whether or not one can be more present or aware through a willful determination to do so. Anon #108 claims that whatever it is that happens during Zazen (call it snapping into awareness of being here) or dropping off body and mind, whatever you want to call it--happens spontaneously, by letting go and doing Zazen.

But what I just realized this very instant is that Anon #108 has actually already made my point for me. There is something he does--whether you call it a non-doing or a letting go--I don't care what you call it. You choose to do this physical activity, different from anything else. There is a thing you do which results in a change of state. So you cannot claim that there is nothing to do which can affect such a change in state since your philosophy already admits to it.

Zazen causes said change in state. You choose to do zazen. Therefore YOU actively change your mind-state by an action that you undertake at such time as you find appropriate.

My claim is that breathing and attention to the breath, when done on a moment to moment basis, also affects a change in state similar to that of zazen. I choose to practice this on a moment to moment basis, similarly to how you might sit on a zafu at 8 in the morning and undertake zazen.

This is actually a very important point. Soto Zen practitioners, particularly those who frequent these parts of the 'net, claim that all we need to do is sit zazen--sit in the posture and then let the rest go. Proponents of this notion, such as Anon #108, tend to scoff at the idea that we can make a willful attempt to be present throughout life with any success. They say that "trying" to do this is pointless, that it is through just sitting that we have this experience. Furthermore, Anon #108 has claimed that there is nothing he can "do" to make a change in his awareness of this present moment happen, that it simply happens of its own accord.

But this is very misleading, I think. If the act of sitting causes our awareness to shift more often then it otherwise would--then we must realize that it is WE who are choosing to be present more often. We make the choice to park our ass on that cushion. That is a physical decision which then causes, at some point, a change in awareness.

Therefore you do in fact control how often you are able to be present, based on when and how often you do the practice of zazen.

It is a choice, and it is completely consistent with everything you believe, #108. You must simply admit that you actually are choosing to be more present through zazen, since that is in fact what you are doing.

Failure after Failure--Life as a Writer

2010-12-08T07:25:00.001-08:00

This isn't a "writing blog" so I don't often talk that explicitly about my writing. But it's a significant part of my life that has some bearing on things. Even the act of me creating this blog about meditation involves writing, and there's a reason I'm drawn to hit these little black keys and make silly words come out for your amusement (or dismay).

My father is a writer. An unpublished novelist. By the time I was born he had already taken the hard licks from a difficult industry, and I've since heard the same few stories over and over from him. How he'd been a promising young writer in the late sixties at UMass Amherst, writing short stories that were published in the college journals. How agents from New York came to the school and actually solicited manuscripts (practically unheard of today) from undergrads. My dad ended up working on a novel called "Morning of the Owl" about Israel, Vietnam, and the Wandering Jew. He rewrote the entire novel seven times back in the day when there was no computers or word processors and every page had to be retyped.

Dad often told a story of how his agent convinced him to reject a publishing offer from one of the big New York houses because "he could do better." Another offer never came. The book never saw the light of day...Interestingly enough, in later years when dad tells the story, it has changed significantly. In the new version, he ALMOST got an offer from that big NYC house. But in the end, the editors were split on taking the book, and it ultimately just missed having an offer made on it.

I'm not sure which version is true and don't often bother asking about the discrepancy.

But suffice it to say that my father's grim view of the industry shaped my own. As a kid, I started writing stories young. Probably at age 5 or 6. These stories had pictures that I drew to go along with the text in crayon. I remember one about a school yard fight that took place on a Saturday, and whereupon my brother had to explain to me that school was off on Saturdays.

From those earliest days I was consumed with publishing. When would I be ready? When would my stuff be good enough? I knew that I was too young, seven and eight year old kids didn't publish novels. But I loved to write and I loved to read. I read The Hobbit in third grade (it took me close to three months of reading every day). By the time I was in fifth grade I'd started reading Stephen King, who became one of my favorite authors. I read and wrote constantly. My writings were read by my long-suffering mother who I would torment with questions about whether I was "good enough to get published." Nothing she said would ever be enough for me.

But I loved to write, even if I was tortured about it. I would read the author bios of guys like Stephen King or Harlan Ellison, Isaac Asimov and see that they had begun publishing short stories in their teens. By the time I hit my teens I felt that it was now or never. If I couldn't start publishing my short stories now, then clearly I wasn't talented enough to make it as a writer. But I never sent my work out in those days because I wasn't sure where to send it, and I figured I wasn't yet good enough since that's what I often heard from my parents.

As my internal pressure to write publishable work grew, my enjoyment of the practice lessened dramatically. What had been a profoundly enjoyable experience grew to be a grind as I got older. By my early twenties, I was still writing quite a bit, but finding it more difficult. The words didn't flow as easily, my ability to feel "in the story" had lessened dramatically. Although I had some success in college writing controversial opinion articles and even had a play win entry into the Playwrights Festival, nothing was ever good enough.

I finally sent a small batch of short stories out to a few magazines and got maybe five or ten rejections. One rejection from a well-known magazine said the editor had been on the fence for a long time about including the story but ultimately had come down against it after great consideration. The fact that I had come close meant nothing to me. Instead I decided that I wasn't any good. Hell, I wasn't even a teenager anymore, when most of my writing heroes had started to get their work accepted!

After college, I got into Noam Chomsky and Dan Quinn, alternative thinkers who railed against U.S. society and our warmaking, "taker" culture. Along with a group of friends, I dropped out of society (or so I thought at the time) and moved to Providence where I was determined to create a new culture for myself and my likeminded friends. During these years I didn't write at all, but immersed myself in music (we had a semi-horrible garage band) and political/philosophical dialogues with my buddies.

This was a miserable time. Having no money, no girlfriend, no job, and finding that even with our new theories about culture we still were as depressed as ever...it dawned on me that nothing had changed. My misery had less to do with U.S. consumerism and militarism and more to do with my state of mind. Thus came meditation. And along with that, I fell into the mindset of "always trying to live in the now." I wanted enlightenment fast.

Reading and writing were in the realm of fantasy, which I felt had deadened my appreciation of life. So I stayed away from reading entirely and continued not to write. This period lasted even as I moved back to the Boston area and began working a corporate job again.

I lost probably ten years of time that could have been spent writing and honing my craft. I don't consider it a waste, because I did learn a lot about myself--but I do wish I hadn't been so silly about my writing, which is something that's been with me since childhood.

It's only in the last six years, particularly since I met my wife (who is herself a successful author) that I have really begun writing again in earnest. In this time, I have written 5 unpublished novels. I've had four agents, but I've been rejected by hundreds of agents. I've been rejected by dozens of editors. I've rewritten my books over and over again, gone through ups and downs until I felt numb to it all.

And yet...here I am, still writing. I have a new novel (the fifth one) that I'm working on with a top tier agent. And even if this one doesn't sell, I will keep writing and keep plugging away. That is the only way.

Meditation is no different, by the by. No different at all. Except instead of rejections and pain from editors and agents, I get it from the voices in my head. The ones that say "this is ridiculous," "this doesn't help anything," "why aren't you enlightened yet like your guru??" But I keep going anyway, and somehow, someway, it makes a difference...if only to me.

In the next day or two I should be putting a link here so you can read a bit of my non-fiction humor that I wrote a few years ago...if you so desire. Some of you might get a kick out of it.

When The Moment Unravels

2010-12-03T07:37:00.001-08:00

I got up this morning feeling good. Well of course, it's Friday, so I feel decidedly better then I did waking up on Monday, facing another dull workweek. I hopped in the shower and started thinking about my practice (always a bad sign). Anyway, whilst doing a bit of scrubbing and brain noodling, I decided to really motivate for the billionth time in an attempt to be more conscious.

Yes, in general I feel like I'm bringing more consciousness to my day, there will usually be a few pockets of time where I am trying to breathe and relax. And I've been keeping up with my 20 minutes of sitting time (not zen sitting mind you, I sit in a chair and stare at a clock).

But overall, I've fallen off from a very nice period I had for about 2-3 weeks where I was much more consistently trying to relax and breathe on a moment to moment basis. I even was bringing that awareness to my conversations. I would practice talking and breathing and relaxing which seems silly but really isn't.

I am not sure what happens, but routinely I will get into a nice rhythm with my practice and then over a course of a few weeks or days it starts to slowly drift away from me. I can sense it and feel it happening, and yet am unable to reverse the process of going back to my typical unconscious state.

So, today I told myself to motivate and I took a few extra moments before getting my old ass body out of the tub to relax and focus on my breathing. And for a couple of hours I was doing a little better at keeping that awareness.

Even now I am doing a bit better than normal. But somewhere it starts to unravel.

Always.

Something distracts me or makes me tense. Some thought that feels so important or pressing. or maybe I just get super curious about who won Dancing with The Stars and become fixated on googling the results of the show, losing all awareness of where I am or what I am doing as I read about this silly tv show.

Guru Steve has told me ad nauseum that my problem is I pay more attention to what I am doing then how I am doing it.

In *most* cases (excluding things like warning someone not to touch a hot stove), making sure I am relaxing and breathing is more important then whatever else I am trying to accomplish. And in fact, by relaxing and breathing while I do it, I tend to do IT better--whatever IT might be.

And yet, somewhere, somehow, the moment gets away from me. Does it get away from you?

Am I a Buddhist?

2010-11-30T07:30:00.000-08:00

After reading a couple of interesting blogs today, Zen Bastard and Buddhism Sucks (which I found from reading Uku's blog The Possible Way, I had a thought that's occurred to me here and there over the years...

Am I...am I...could I be...Buddhist?

I mean, I do meditate. I've read a lot of Buddhist teachings and in the beginning used those teachings along with those of my decidedly un-Buddhisty teacher to further understand my path.

Some of what I do could certainly be considered Insight Meditation practice. So, could I be a Buddhist?

I don't think so. Despite the fact that I relate more to Buddhists then any other kind of religious folk, to me the very idea of calling myself a Buddhist is absurd. I don't follow any particular teaching or scripture...in fact, I think most of it is useless or worse.

But let's just say that I do have an affinity, a very special affinity for Buddhists and for the practices of meditation in whatever form they come. But I doubt I will ever be a card carrying member. Still, never say never!

Are You Not Entertained?

2010-11-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

You might be entertained by this post. It depends what you're after. If it's the latest and greatest zen master scandal then you'll surely be disappointed.

A guy I know who lives in San Diego and teaches Yoga has been doing zen meditation for probably twenty years, most of it with Charlotte Joko Beck. He's a pretty interesting guy and he's always been very adamant that sitting every single day come rain or come shine is important.

And yet just recently I heard that he no longer sits at all. Doesn't attend sessions at the zen center or with Joko or any of it. He claims that he just works on his awareness throughout his life at this point and no longer sees a reason to specifically set aside time for zazen each day.

My buddy Dylan was a little thrown when he spoke to this guy and heard those things. Like me, Dylan has been meditating for a long time, trying to deepen his practice and develop more of a routine and here this guy who has always been a mentor is giving up his practice entirely, it would seem.

Dylan's take on it was that it showed him that people's ideas change all the time and you can't really follow anyone else. You have to trust yourself, ultimately.

Of course! How many more times can this be pounded into my head before I get it? There really is no one to follow or depend on. I sometimes wonder what I would do if I found out that Steve (my teacher) never does the breathing practice anymore--or perhaps that he never did it in the first place.

Just how much of my practice is dependent upon things he told me, rather than my own experience? I mean, if tomorrow I found out that my mom no longer eats food and she is living off bourbon and cocaine, I wouldn't think, "damn, maybe food really isn't important after all!" I know from my own life experience that I need to eat, and that drinking bourbon and doing coke all day long isn't good for me.

But somehow with meditation it is different. I would argue it's much, much more subtle and therefore much more difficult to know what is working, what isn't, what feels right as opposed to what is right.

Yet however much more difficult it is to see the important or necessary aspects of my practice, only I can determine what I need to do in this arena. So why be disturbed if my teacher or a mentor stops doing any particular thing or starts doing something else? If I have learned anything, I should know that it's irrelevant what anybody else is doing.

As for me, I am still making sure to set aside 20 minutes every day to practice. I am still trying to bring that practice into my life on a moment to moment basis with varying degrees of success.

Juggling

2010-11-24T06:33:00.000-08:00

Things are going well at the moment (I write this with a feeling of dread that an anvil is gonna fall on my cranium in the next few seconds, talk about asking for it!). I find that it's pretty rare for me to be succeeding on juggling all my various interests and responsibilities. Something usually falls through the cracks. I suppose for me at the moment, I am late on my dentist appointment.

But other than that, I have been doing a much better job of integrating various aspects of my life. In the past, when I was focused on meditation, I would do it to the exclusion of writing, or maybe I would be less attentive to my romantic partner. Something would suffer. And the same when I was writing a novel. My meditation or exercise would be almost down to nothing.

Come to think of it, I do need to get more exercise right about now as well, but I am spending a lot of time running and walking because of my puppy. So at least it's something. And as she gets bigger, she'll require even more activity which will force me to be more active too.

I know this post is rambling, but whatever. It's my blog, I can ramble if I feel like it!

Why I am pleased at the moment is that I heard back from the agent who is looking at my new Young Adult novel. I wrote a very long and detailed outline that nearly killed me. Well, she got back to me and said that I did a fantastic job incorporating the changes we discussed. This agent is no joke either, she is a top-tier A-list agent who does not screw around. The fact that I came through on that part of things really gave me a boost, because I almost never turned that damn outline in.

And yet, even as I've continued to focus on my writing (also working on a new screenplay), I have not missed a single day of meditation in months. It might be three months by now, I'm not sure. I just know that it's been a long while. This is the most consistent I've been with my daily practice. And I have finally seemed to be breaking out of this rut and once again bringing my awareness of breath into more of the moment to moment aspect of my life.

I hope this is the start of really getting more fully grounded in life and in writing and my meditation. To keep everything moving and not stagnating is important to me. Also to keep things fresh with my wife, for her to feel that I am still as attentive and engaged as always. Sometimes in the past when I got too much into my meditation, she sensed a distance there and I think it was because I inadvertently withdrew at times while attempting to focus on my breathing.

I feel like I'm starting to move into a good phase of my life. I'm happier than I've ever been, I love my wife, my dog, my new house. I put strong boundaries up around dealing with my brother and his wife, who were very unhealthy and made things difficult for about a year.

Yes, things will change. Someday the anvil will drop on my skull. My heart will stop beating. Someday I will lose everything. But for now, life is good.

I don't Like How That Last Post Sounded

2010-11-22T09:26:00.000-08:00

It sounds angry and dismissive, and even if it is to some degree how I feel--certainly it isn't wholly how I feel. But I do get annoyed and frustrated with how gullible people seem to be. A lot of it has nothing at all to do with religion.

I see these same qualities in my family. In myself. How I grew up until about age 13 worshiping my father despite the fact that he was pretty much an affable con artist. The time when I saw through the lies and realized the truth about him has greatly shaped my worldview.

I've since had a very similar, even more disheartening experience with my older brother and the reactions of naivete with the rest of my family and surrounding caregivers.

There are definitely parallels in the religious world where so many predators roam and so many victims seem all too willing to give up their minds, pocketbooks, and genitals in order to fulfill some kind of fantasy of enlightenment or communion with god.

But I seek these things out in a way, too. I seek out the stories and the accounts of cults, cultleaders, and the followers. I seek out religious discussions. Better to just read about baseball and hockey, but I'm drawn to it like a fly to shit.

Not sure why. Something about the circle is magnetic to me. Maybe on some level I really am jealous of these cult leaders who get to do whatever the hell they want and take what they want and to hell with anyone who gets burned.

I don't think so, but who knows?

Maybe it appeals to me to see that same tragedy played out that I saw in my youth. To experience that unmasking of power and the pain it caused me over and over again. To somehow win it one time. To make someone pay for what they've done wrong.

Making Shit Up

2010-11-22T08:36:00.000-08:00

I hate to say it--well actually I don't--but almost all of what religion does or explains is just made up. Crappola. Nothing important or true or necessary is in it at all.

It's harder to see it with the older stuff written thousands of years ago. That ancient parchment and esoteric language makes things seem more important or sage. But the thing is, I look around at the "newer" religious models and I can pretty much guess how the old ones came about by extrapolation.

Historians have already documented the twists and turns that come about when trying to identify the origins of many old religious texts. At this point it's very clear that a lot of it is junk. Stuff written about gurus and saviors and buddhas, long after those very figures had turned to dust. People writing self-serving stuff to further a particular viewpoint or agenda.

When I read an essay by Genpo Roshi, Diane Musho Hamilton, Andrew Cohen, or some other new age guru--it's the same stuff. New names, new ideas, ridiculous theories expounding on nonsense with no basis in objective fact or truth.

And the very same can be said of the ground of Buddhism, the old tales of Zen Masters doing crap that is impossible. All kinds of stages and states and tall tales for folks to imagine that they are attaining. It really is mental garbage. It's a bunch of junk that should be thrown on the scrap heap. It's not useful, it's not sacred and it certainly isn't reality.

I am not sure why most people have so much difficulty seeing that these concepts, terms and supposed rules or truths are just made up crap. We've got great imaginations but when we start getting into chakras and healing channels and the oxherding stages and the different realms of devas and hungry ghosts and on and on....

Can anyone see that this is useless? Some apparently can. I don't quite understand the need to mentally masturbate to Dogen or Ashvagosha or Genpo Roshi or any of these clowns. Listen, it really is quite simple and putting names and concepts and ideas on top of what already is happening serves no purpose. Not only does it not allow us to talk about things properly, it just isn't even accurate at all. None of that stuff is happening. And I mean across the board, they are pretty much all full of shit.

There really isn't anything happening with your or me or our consciousnesses that fits those models at all. They are lies. There are not those attainments at all. What these people are writing about and trying to get you to live is actually fake. Bullshit.

That there is "something" amazing and wonderful happening is true. That we might be able to find something in our experience that is truthful and meaningful is real. And there may even be a technique or two of relevance, a way of approaching life that is helpful. A way of trying to be present to our own reality on a moment to moment basis. But none of the explanations are worth anything at all. In fact, they lead people further and further away from anything resembling reality. Further into their delusional fake models of a spiritual life that never existed for anybody.

Self-Help Zen

2010-11-19T06:44:00.000-08:00

One of the comments in a previous post on this blog said that I should check out some different material on shikantaza because..."it seems you're having a really hard time trying to be a better person. Perhaps you're trying too hard?"

This is an interesting point. I am having a really hard time trying to be a better person. But you know what? There are very few things in life that get done when you're not trying hard.

Name me an important, significant achievement or event in your life that occurred without any struggle or hard work. How many people get done climbing Everest and say there was no struggle and it was easy? How many filmmakers, basketball players, builders, whatever...finish a project or a game and say, "didn't have to work hard at all..."

Not many. Life is difficult. Change is difficult.

Most things in life take hard work and discipline if they're worth a fart in the wind.

I don't see meditation as any different. Now, as far as "being a better person," I thought about it and my teacher Steve never has said a damn word about it. He never told me, "you really out to try and be nicer, better, less angry, etc." I came up with it on my own. I'm the one who talks about my anger, my this and my that and trying to do better. All he mostly says is to breathe and relax and if you go away from that awareness, be thankful when you come back. That's pretty much the gist of his teaching.

But I'm okay with my attempts at being a nicer person. I've come up with it because it matters to me, because I feel better and enjoy my life more when I am less angry, when I am kinder, when I kiss my wife instead of make a snarky comment to her.

Has my practice helped in this area? Undoubtedly. Over the years I've made huge changes, many of which i feel have come directly from insights gained doing this practice, from the lessons I've learned about my mind and body. Sure, I've used therapeutic techniques and other tools as well--but my meditation has been very important the last 10 years. And the last 10 years are certainly when I've grown into a happier person with a life that i finally enjoy.

My first 25-28 years were pretty much miserable, and that coincides directly with the time I WASN'T doing any meditation work.

So although to a person who casually reads my blog or maybe even to a close friend, it may appear that I work hard for very little return, I know that this hard work does indeed pay off. And you can try and fool yourself about "having no goal" or not working so hard, but in my view, you get out of it what you put into it. Period.

Trolling, Trolling, Trolling on Brad's Blo-og...

2010-11-18T09:10:00.000-08:00

(The above is to be sung to the tune of "Proud Mary" (the chorus part)

Found myself trolling a little bit this morning. Nothing too fancy. As usual, it started innocently with me voicing some disagreement on Brad's comments section and then getting progressively snarkier and meaner spirited as the conversation continued.

I sort of knew I was doing it at the time, but the voice in the back of my mind was very faint, saying, "hey, you might be just stirring the pot here...why are you bothering with this?"

I came to my senses when an anonymous poster pointed out that I was either trolling or not paying attention very well. It was a nice, much needed kick in the behind.

Today I woke up--almost literally--on the wrong side of the bed. Couldn't get up until 8am which made me an hour late for work. My puppy was running around biting me and everything I touched as I tried to find clothes to wear, moaning and groaning the whole time. At one point my wife said, "I feel like you hate us."

Ugh.

Not exactly the "relaxed" "joyful" boddhisattva vibe I'm giving off today. I apologized and told her I was just cranky. The crankiness continued at work. Not doing much or any breathing, just kind of existing today. So the old habits come back, and they come back fast and hard (that's what she said).

So now I am taking a breath...again. This is the process for me. And another conscious breath right now. As I type this. Try to come back to my body, to my life, to my breathing. It's not rocket science. It's more like digging a ditch. But it's a fun ditch, sometimes...

Say Goodbye to Hollywood

2010-11-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

I am trying a little experiment right now. That is, I decided I wanted to write a post but had no concrete ideas for anything interesting to say. So I had a bunch of random thoughts and then that Billy Joel song popped in my head and I wrote down the title, "Say Goodbye to Hollywood."

And now I'm going to improvise a post about that title, with virtually no clue what I am writing about. Maybe it's a little like channeling, if I believed in spirits and voodoo and whatnot.

But in a sense, I am saying goodbye to Hollywood and have been for years. Like many people who grew up in a TV and movie obsessed culture, I worship the cult of celebrity. When I was a little kid I remember desperately wishing that my dad was Bill Murray. Part of me actually believed that Bill Murray in real life was actually like the funny camp counselor in Meatballs and the witty joker in Ghostbusters.

As I got older, I wanted to be a famous writer, and occasionally fantasized about scenarios where friends and family showered me with adulation and women begged me to screw them. Later, I got into music and concocted even more ridiculous fare about what "life on the road" would be like, playing to thousands of fans and groupies...

How unlucky I'd have been if any of those wishes had panned out. As it was, there were many lessons I needed to learn about humility, respect, self-discipline, kindness, and love. Had I become even remotely famous, the need to learn many of these concepts would have been traded in for shallow self-love, the respect of people who didn't even know me, and random affairs with women. God knows I did enough of that sort of thing without even a shred of celebrity to assist me. Thanks to reality TV, it's easy to see where that kind of life leads when practiced over years and decades.

But I'm still saying goodbye to Hollywood. Maybe we all are. There's a kind of interconnectedness about the web which allows everyone to interact through this giant neural network, and things like Twitter and Facebook and email means that some of us really do have contact with the people whose work we admire (actors, authors, etc).

As a result, fame and celebrity are different than they once were, less impressive and devalued to a large extent. I'm amazed at how regular non-celebrities now take part in cable TV shows about home renovation projects or debt repayment, or other random things--without even batting an eyelash. To be on television has lost some of its glamor, and much of the exotic flavor of it has dissipated as a result of this saturation.

We are swimming in celebrity and media. So celebrity and media are no longer as appealing. Even as it continues to run amok and swallow itself like a snake eating it's tail.

A few years ago they did a study and asked kids what they wanted to be, and many of them said "famous" and put that above things like doctors or lawyers or being an astronaut. Simply being famous was enough. I'm not sure that will be the case in 5 or 10 years.

Beyond all of that, there is the notion of practice and meditation amidst this. What does it mean to say goodbye to Hollywood in the spiritual sense? It means that even my spiritual heroes and gurus and celebrities are just like me, just like everyone else, swimming in the same soup. My one-time desire, though short-lived, was also to be a spiritual teacher.

The progression (or digression) was from writer to celebrity to rockstar to guru. And it's probably a familiar pattern, come to think of it. They say that Andrew Cohen had wanted to be a famous jazz musician before failing at it and eventually succeeding as a highly enlightened being. Brad Warner has clearly undergone a similar albeit more successful route, from punk rocker to author to quasi-spiritual celeb. In fact, for decades now, the spiritual elite have often mingled and tried to become part of the celebrity elite, with varying degrees of success.

So now I've reached what feels like the end of this unscripted, unedited (for the most part) little piece, and not sure exactly what I've said. Maybe this is kind of like the culture itself. Full of words, ambiguous meanings and connections attributed to events and people that perhaps have little to no connection. Maybe it's proof that we can take any phrase and post-hoc analyze it into something that feels legitimate or useful, when in reality it is little more than diarrhea of the mind.

Or maybe I really have started to let go of silly fantasies about celebrity, of writing a novel or making a movie that will change my life and let me do whatever it is I feel like doing.

In the end, there is only the sound of the keyboard and the cacophony of my thoughts for a coda.

Tracking Happiness

2010-11-16T06:23:00.000-08:00

There's a new Harvard study using an iPhone application (you can even sign up for it), that is actually attempting to track people's happiness as they go about their lives. The implications of the study are pretty interesting so far.

Basically nothing new to meditators and Buddhists, this study finds that people are less happy no matter what they are doing, when their minds are wandering. The most happy people are the one's who are paying attention to whatever activity they are doing. Now certain activities may be more preferable, but regardless, when the subjects begin daydreaming or planning or whatever, they become less happy.

It's an interesting if not totally surprising finding. It's always good to have some of the basic principles of meditative techniques verified in an objective way. It's kind of a three-tiered process, in my opinion.

The first tier is that you hear from your teacher or read in a book that a certain attitude or technique is beneficial. You then try this technique or attitude or "approach" for yourself and try to ascertain whether there is anything to it. And lastly, it's always nice to get third party verification in the form of scientific studies.

We have a lot of scientific data that points to the benefits of meditation--not just zen, but many different styles of meditation and yoga have been proven to be beneficial for health and general well-being. I've read a lot of the studies on breathing, and I believe it's been shown that slower, deeper breathing can help to alleviate asthma, lower blood pressure and deal with pain symptoms as well.

When I think about this practice I have undertaken and Guru Steve's general instructions to undertake it on a moment to moment basis, it jibes fairly well with the stuff coming out in scientific papers as well as with my own experience. Using the breath as an anchor to the present certainly keeps me more firmly planted in the "now", as cliche as that sounds. Intentionally relaxing and taking slower, deeper breaths, is also benefiting me mentally and physically and making my daily experience more pleasant.

This is not "bonpu zen" or whatever some might call it. Having a more pleasant bodily experience makes me treat other sentient beings with more respect and compassion. The less miserable I am to be here on this planet, the less misery I will cause others. Fact.

But doing it and talking about it are two different things, and even with all the good stuff that it brings, moment to moment practice can feel very overwhelming and tedious at times. Which is why we just take it one breath at a time.

Exactly

2010-11-15T13:23:00.000-08:00

I was reading Notes in Samsara just now (a great Buddhist blog by the way) when I came across a link to a really cool article about making an omelet, which Mumonno points out, is a well-written piece about Buddhism, really.

In the article, the writer sums up what I have been trying to get across about "attention to breath" or any so-called basic practice that many Buddhists eschew for more "advanced" fair...

Mind you, this is about making an omelet, ostensibly.

"Things are only simple when you’ve stopped asking the right questions of them, when you’ve stopped finding new ways to see them. Because what you find, when you learn how to find it, is that even simple things can be wonderfully, frustratingly, world-openingly complex."

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round, Round and Round

2010-11-15T10:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I wanted to give an update because it's been nice to have this blog be a little more active lately. I don't have that much to say about my practice. It's been kind of a plateau feeling lately, just grinding a long with a bit of demotivated feeling somehow...

I am still faithfully doing 20 minutes a day and occasionally I will find myself breathing and paying attention at odd times in the day. And it feels good and right and then I just lose that thread and go back to being an unconscious buffoon.

Seems I still have those same lessons to keep learning, eh?

Also, thanks to everyone who has taken my "breathing challenge" that was posted previously. It seems that at least one or two people have gotten something out of it. I'd be curious to hear impressions from anyone else who feels the nagging curiosity to try it...

A Challenge To My Readers

2010-11-12T07:44:00.000-08:00

I just posted a version of this in the previous comments section, in response to a poster who asked if this practice I do isn't like using training wheels on a bicycle? This connotation of breathing and awareness being a beginner's practice is parroted over and over again in Zen circles.

Now if this practice is truly a "beginner's practice" or kind of akin to "training wheels" then simply put, anyone with a bit of experience meditating should be able to do it, no problemo. That is the very definition of a beginner's practice. So, then this should be really easy for all of you.

Take four hours out of your day. Just four. In these four hours, I want you to do this practice that I describe below, to the letter. And then let me know how it goes for you.

1. You must be aware of every single inhalation and exhalation you take. Not only aware that you are breathing, but of the quality, length and duration of the breath.
2. You must attempt to keep your breathing even and relaxed. When you start to feel your body tense or breathing become shallow, you must attempt to relax more fully into the moment using your body and your lungs to do so.
3. While doing numbers 1 and 2 above, you must carry on through all of life's various activities. Driving, eating a meal, talking with friends, co-workers, family. Even if an argument occurs or you are dealing with a work emergency. You must continue to pay attention to every single breath, every moment, as well as the rest of your experience.
4. Your inhalations and exhalations should be as balanced and even as possible. if you are taking long pauses in between breaths or very short inhalations, this is robbing you of oxygen. This is especially true of talking. When talking, most people forget to breathe for long stretches of time.
5. During all of this, try to be joyful and appreciative of this chance to take in air and feed your body its most primary resource, which is more necessary than even food and water. Smile a little while doing this.

Try this beginner's practice for four hours. If you say, "yes but of course I will miss a breath here and there..." well you can't really say you've mastered this then. Do you fall off your bike with the training wheels? Do you crash your car when driving it 5 miles an hour in an empty parking lot? These are beginners practices. That means anyone with experience can do them with total ease.

Let me know how it goes!

Not Practicing Makes Not Perfect

2010-11-12T06:27:00.000-08:00

Hey there--it's me again! Miss me? Well, I missed you too...

Practice update: Broken record time. I'm still not being attentive the way I have been in the past. Funny how quickly my mind forgets the important lessons I've learned. For instance, when I just wrote that sentence about not having been attentive recently the way I have in the past, I remembered the most important thing.

The past is irrelevant to right this moment. However ashamed I am or disappointed I am in five minutes ago--and however proud I am of five minutes ago, or even two seconds ago...is meaningless.

Right now I can choose to take a breath, relax, pay attention. Right now as I am writing this, as you are reading it, this moment is what counts. Because the whole things is won or lost now. The battle in the trenches is an ongoing process that occurs in real-time, and my ability to constantly remember and remember and remember...that is key. Remember the lessons.

What I've done in the past is of no consequence to this moment. And so right now I can always take a breath and relax, regardless of the prior moment.

Paying attention and relaxing into this moment works.

I feel better and think more clearly when I am breathing and relaxing and paying attention moment to moment.

These things are the most important lessons I've learned in my decade of practice.
They are amazingly simple lessons and yet I forget them over and over again.

I will say that I've been continuing to do my 20 minute practice session each day. Although it's a nice touchstone, it's definitely not even close to the whole ball of wax. It's only as good as however long it encourages me to practice during and after. Which is certainly better than nothing at all.

But I don't quite "get" those who seem to feel that zazen or meditation is like "brushing your teeth," an activity that is done for however many minutes in a single session (or two) per day and then you just move on and somehow this will eventually carry over into all aspects of life. Maybe zazen creates that effect for people, I wouldn't know since I don't do zazen.

But in my experience, to the contrary, whatever time I devote to my practice, it does not magically transform the rest of my life. I think it might "inform" the rest of my day, and it may take the edge off things. But to me, transformative practice is that which is carried out on a second to second basis because that's when shit happens. The minute I think that a session I did ten hours ago somehow "has me covered" for the rest of the day like a new-age insurance policy--well then, my goose is cooked.

This thing called awareness, this thing called paying attention to reality, being present to my life--requires absolute diligence. It is not something where I punch a clock for an hour a day and then go home, put my feet up and have a beer. Now I can go unconscious and not pay attention and be a dufus because I did my hour of sitting.

My experience is that life does not work that way at all. What happens in my body and my mind changes so drastically from second to second that I can a completely different person in the space of time it takes to blink or sneeze or smile.

If my inner world is that complex, is so nuanced and ever changing, how on earth can i expect that a few minutes of practice a day is going to have the kind of far-reaching implications that I would wish it to have?

Sorry, that just doesn't fly or match with my experience at all. And I think this kind of attitude towards practice is evidence of a lack of understanding and real depth of knowledge. Seeing reality is not like brushing my teeth or working out. We're talking about years and years and billions of moments of conditioning gathered over years of time. And I'm going to erase or change that conditioning by parking my ass on a zafu for half an hour or an hour, once a day? And that is going to effect massive change?

No. I don't think so. I think that is ONE part of the solution. The other part is the part that takes place every other second of the day.

If There Is No One To Trust

2010-11-11T12:13:00.000-08:00

What if there is no one to trust?

We used to think we could trust politicians and then came...J Edgar Hoover, Watergate, and so many political scandals that they no longer even raise an eyebrow.

We used to trust sports heroes and then came...steroids, cheating, our best athletes imprisoned for murder and theft and so on. Back in the old days it was just covered up better.

We used to think we could trust spiritual leaders and then came...pedophilia among the priesthood, abuse in Ireland's Catholic-run orphanages. Cults like Jonestown and let's not forget the Zen Center scandals.

Every time we look to someone to lead us, no matter who it is, we will be disappointed.

This is just what is.

But we must have leaders. We need politicians, priests, and spiritual leaders. I do not know why, I only know that we do.

I have been let down by everyone in my life, even my closest family members have disappointed me in painful ways. When I found that my older brother and his wife were neglecting and abusing their children, I was shocked and appalled and shaken to my core. And then shaken and appalled again when members of my family made excuses and refused to stand up for the children.

I see the same patterns repeating endlessly. People in religious circles do the same thing. Place faith in their parental figures and make excuses when those figures ultimately behave terribly and amorally. Then comes the slow process of denying the truth, sticking one's head in the sand, coming up with reasons to explain this behavior.

It doesn't matter in what forum, the behaviors are the same. People allowing others to abuse and keeping silent so that they can maintain some sense of order, some belief that there might be a person who won't fail them.

But everybody will fail me eventually. This I have seen. I have also failed myself. I have done things in my life that brings shame to me and sadness when i think on it. How to reconcile all of this with a vibrant spiritual practice?

Only one way I have found is honesty. If not with others, than at the very least with myself. There is no such thing as perfect honesty. There is no such thing as a perfectly squeaky-clean person.

But it is sad how many still look and hope and dream for this fantasy person or religion or god to save them. I no longer really hope for being saved by anybody else...of course I say "really" because sometimes I do. Just not very often.

If they are all frauds then we are all frauds then I am also a fraud. So where does it end? Where does it all end? And if such is the case then it stands to reason that we are all in fact culpable because the cycle does not have an end. And there must be a necessity to it all, somewhere--in life, this must be needed.

In life, people like my brother must provide a function. People like Ken Wilber and Genpo Roshi and Eido Shimano and Barry Graham all must have a usefulness. Guys like j Edgar Hoover and John Edwards and all of the fakers and conners and scammers.

They are us, in so many ways. We either keep quiet about them, or we enable them, or we fight them. Yet still we must live with them and among them. And...and...let's not forget what each of us does, just as I do not forget the things that I have done in the past.

Yes, this honesty thing, when followed all the way, leads down a very dark rabbit hole indeed. We are all down in that darkness. Nobody is exempt.

So then. Where does this leave me? It leaves me right with everyone else, in the muck. Nowhere to go to step out of it. And yet--is there a difference between knowing that this all exists and that escape is futile, but still practicing? Not depending on another living soul to do the work. Not expecting any reprieve and yet still practicing?

I say that there is something here which cannot be quantified or understood or explained. That in doing this, I am in prayer, I am trying to restore some sanity to myself. That in recognizing my own insanity and trying to set it right, I am helping myself and thus my brother and the whole world.

But do not trust me, because I can't be trusted.

Sadness

2010-11-11T07:58:00.000-08:00

My ten week old puppy was attacked by a neighboring dog yesterday afternoon. She wasn't badly hurt (just an abrasion on her stomach) but my wife was also bitten (not too badly) on both hands breaking up the altercation.

The anger I felt when thinking about that dog coming into our yard (through a hole in the fence) and attacking my family on our property was very intense. Then we went and spoke with the neighbors and now I just feel bad for them. Yes, they should have known better and had their dog leashed (they knew it could get over to our yard and they also knew it could be "annoying" with other dogs). But it wasn't intentional on their part. And they clearly feel horrible about it.

I have quite a soft spot in my heart for victims of abuse. I have been abused in my life, mostly emotionally but also to some degree physically. I have also abused others, have caused a great deal of pain. I know what it's like on both sides of the coin.

There is sadness about the state of things. There must also be acceptance that this is the way the world is working right now. I am lucky that even though I have experienced a great deal of pain and dealt out a great deal of pain, it pales in comparison to the suffering that others less fortunate than myself have experienced.

How to deal with it?

Practice. Relax and breathe. Someday I will die or someone I love dearly will die, or be hurt or in pain. These are facts. These facts can at times render me almost incapacitated.

I am not like a typical Buddhist who will lecture or expound on non-attachment. Despite the protestations that Buddhism does not advocate "detachment", I have to kindly disagree. At the heart of the matter I often see Buddhists trying to find ways to lessen the pain of this world through the philosophy of Buddhism. It can work, but it's just another story we tell ourselves.

My attachments to my wife and my dog are painful. I will suffer if anything happens to them (and it will, so I will). Why be afraid of suffering? Suffering and pain are not unnecessary. When I truly love another person the way I love my wife, I will suffer if she experiences suffering. I share it with her. I wouldn't have it any other way. The richness and depth of my connection to her would be lessened if I tried to concoct a story about impermanence or nonduality to combat the fear and pain and suffering.

To love someone to a point that I am willing to experience the pain of suffering takes courage. Many people are afraid to love to a point where their hearts are so exposed. They want to find ways out of it. There is no way out.

Non-attachment is not a reality. Detachment is a reality. That is what non-attachment leads to in reality.

This does not mean all hope is lost. There is beauty in being able to love and be loved and experience what this life has to offer. I don't need stories about reincarnation, Buddhas, demons and angels, spiritual attainments, enlightenment experiences to appreciate this.

There is something here worth noting. This is simply my take on things. In a year I may be talking about non-attachment and how awesome it is. But right now I simply say, yes, I suffer. But although I am afraid to suffer, I am afraid to see those around me suffer, I am not so afraid that I need to make up fantasies in order to get away from it.

What is here really is enough for me. So I relax and I breathe and I endeavor to be more human and not less so.

Why Transmission Is Almost Useless

2010-11-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

The fact that I'm thinking about this issue (transmission) and fixated on it probably tells you as much about the current state of my practice as anything else I could say.

But still, it is what it is and this subject is what I'm thinking about at the moment.

Everyone reading this blog probably knows what the term "transmission" means in Buddhism. It's basically a diploma that a teacher bestows on their student which says, "it seems to me that you understand Buddhism as well as I. You have understood the fundamental truths and realized them for yourself." In all cases as far as I know, acknowledging a student's transmission also acknowledges their right to teach independently.

But transmission is almost useless for everyone involved and here is why:

It cannot be proven in any objective fashion.

This is where "the diploma" in Buddhism falls so short compared to other areas of life, such as medicine. If someone graduates from Harvard Medical School, or law school, they have had to take tests, do internships, all kinds of activities that objectively prove their abilities to at least a basic standard. And because they have to pass tests and show an ability to function appropriately under a number of teachers and evaluators, there is much less chance that a "bad apple" will get through.

Yes, a bad apple gets through sometimes in every field. And yet, many of these fields have also developed committees that have oversight and where complaints can be filed and investigated.

This is really the only way such a label can be of any real use for anyone.

The title needs to have some kind of basis in objective reality. If a title can easily be bought and sold, manufactured, made up or imagined without any ability to disprove it, then that title becomes effectively useless.

And this is why we have so many cases of cults and religious sects where the very fact that someone does or does not have "transmission" or authentication is argued about ad nauseum. The defenders of a particular "master" will just go on and on about how enlightened he is, how he showed them the way, how he goes beyond dualism, etc. etc. The detractors will point out all his flaws, shortcomings and the allegations against him.

But at the end of the day, there is absolutely no validity to any of it. Whatever transmission may exist is not something that we can prove. Nobody can know it except for that person themselves--if even they can.

I would argue that even the teacher who "bestows" transmission or acknowledges it, cannot truly know. They have to basically ascertain it based on interactions and guesswork. I say this because even the most respected teachers (Charlotte Joko Beck and Gudo Nishijima to name just two) have tried to rescind transmission that had already been given. And they are far from the only teachers to do this.

How can someone take back transmission? How did this "mistake" occur?

Well, maybe because they just don't know for sure what's going on in someone else's head, for starters.

As a student, I can look for an "esteemed lineage" and hope that the "unbroken line of transmission" extending back to the original Buddha will be worth something to me. That the teaching is still pure. But we all know better. None of these lineages is pure, they all have their fair share of scandals, bribery, forgery, political jockeying, etc.

Without a true way to objectively test for "transmission," it cannot mean a damn thing.

Does this invalidate the teachings entirely?

Of course not.

Does this invalidate the use of a teacher?

Absolutely not.

But make no mistake about it, studying at a "respected zen center" or Buddhist monastery or whatever you want to call it...is really not any different than hanging out and learning meditation at the local YMCA or wherever you might find a class.

There are idiots teaching Buddhism with the highest accolades, who have been practicing for 50 years--and they know less than you, who have been practicing for a month. Seriously. they know LESS than you do.

There are people that are working as a cab driver right now who won't say anything about their knowledge and don't own a decent set of robes...but they have experienced deep insights into the nature of things and can help you along your way.

But if you ignore the cab driver because he doesn't have dharma transmission, you're a fool. At least he has passed his cab driver's test, which is more than 100% of your zen masters have done. The tests they pass are meaningless for you.

The only thing I can be sure of is my own path, my own mind, my own direction--and I can't even be sure of that. But I can know it more than I can know about some idiot with a robe.

Most of these masters understand this and acknowledge it in private--at the very least, they must to themselves. There is no authority in the spiritual realm worth a hill of beans.

If you haven't figured that out yet, then you haven't even started.

Shout Out to An Important Post

2010-11-09T10:13:00.000-08:00

Over on Nella Lou's blog, an important conversation is taking place about Zen teachers.

This really might be my life's koan. Why is it that we must have a spiritual teacher when most spiritual teachers are to some degree ethically challenged or at the very least not very bright?

Finally!

2010-11-09T08:34:00.000-08:00

I finished my outline for that literary agent. My god, it was horrible trying to write that thing. I've written four unpublished novels and there have been some rough moments slogging through shit--but for some reason this outline I had to write ranked up there as one of the worst patches of my writing career. I just could not get my engine started on that thing and what should have taken me a week or maybe two--at most--ended up being just over a month.

I've written an entire first draft of a novel in just a little more than a month, I've written screenplays in less time....whatever. I finished it and now I will hopefully do better for whatever else she has in store for me next.

As for my breathing practice, it's kind of been going steadily downhill. I'm grateful that I haven't dropped my daily 20 minutes. That's been rock solid, haven't missed a day in probably two or three months. And it helps, because when I do my 20 minutes, afterward I tend to be a little more focused on my practice...at least for a few hours. And every bit helps.

But I definitely have dropped off on my overall moment to moment awareness. I won't deny that it's a little frustrating to KNOW that something really is beneficial for me and still I refuse to do what needs doing. I forget, I get lazy, I lose interest, energy fails me.

In the last few days I've been really busy with everything in my life, yet I do feel there's this little change from the past. In that, I haven't just written off my practice entirely. And at a deeper level, i don't question the benefit of it the way I used to. There were times years ago when I really would just say, fuck it, this stuff doesn't make a bit of difference.

I no longer have that kind of nagging doubt. It's more that I lose energy and drive to keep the kind of focus and intensity needed for a moment to moment practice. Although it can be relaxing and joyful and freeing to practice moment to moment, it can also feel like a grind. Dull and pointless. Anything can feel that way when you do it long enough.

The key is to not give up, to persevere in the down times and know that this is all part of the journey. The struggle and difficulties are what it's all about. Same with writing.

My wife is a published, very successful author. She told me that she feels more proud of me in persevering through hard times as a writer and being unpublished than she would if I somehow had made a big publishing score but never written another book (as one of her ex-boyfriends did).

It's hard to have that view. I mean, I kind of will consider myself a failure if I don't ever publish. But really, is it a failure if I show that kind of heart and determination where I never give up? And the same with my meditation practice. If I never reach some kind of "enlightenment experience" that my teacher had, does that make me a failure? He certainly has never said that. He has said that the journey is eternal and no reason to rush because it goes on forever.

Whether you agree with his cosmology or not, it's a nice sentiment.

Unconscious

2010-11-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

I've been extremely unconscious today. I need to start relaxing and breathing right now.
Right. Now.
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Okay. I took a breath finally.

Why More Teachers Don't Talk About Their Own Difficulties

2010-11-04T10:01:00.000-07:00

First note: Did some early morning work making copies (which I'd been avoiding for days). It still sucked but I did bring some relaxation and awareness to it. I noticed that, similarly to when I do a 20 minute practice period, I was kind of waiting for it to be over. That is almost always a sign that I haven't sufficiently relaxed into what I am doing. The more relaxed and attentive I become, the less I worry about "getting it over with."

Sat through a couple of very dull work meetings but was relaxing and breathing through them, which did help quite a bit. I tried to really focus on the discussions and not just zone out into my practice where I overly focus on my breath and sort of tune out that actual information that is ostensibly being imparted to me. This can be difficult when i find the subject matter rather dull. But I did my best and in the latter meeting, I found I was juggling my awareness practice with paying attention to the subject matter fairly well (for me).

I still am very resistant to "doing my work" though. It can be difficult in that I work better when under a firm deadline and many of my projects currently don't have a firm deadline, so I can procrastinate easily. That is like crack to me, because I procrastinate at an olympic gold medalist level....

So why don't more teachers really talk about their own difficulties with practice? I mean, the nitty gritty, day in and day out issues. My teacher has never spoken of his issues on the level that I seem to think about. I remember a conversation where I asked him if he ever had a day where he felt angry and said to himself, "I need to work on my anger, I'm getting angrier than I should be today."

And he said, "By the time I've asked that question, I'm already too far away from the problem. By the time I've gotten angry, it's too late." And then as I recall he brought it back to whether or not he felt he was relaxing in THIS MOMENT, and that it seemed as though his focus was so moment to moment that his first question always came back to that. Am I relaxing and paying attention now? And now? And now?

I might not have arrived at that attitude just yet. I do think a lot about my anger, or larger issues that I might be experiencing. And my first question is not always, am I relaxing in this moment...

I think it's an important distinction. My feeling is that some teachers don't discuss their difficulties because they don't want to seem like they struggle anymore, and some teachers may see it as emphasizing the wrong part of practice. Some teachers will speak of issues but in a kind of abstract "dharma talk" which can be helpful but feels aloof to me.

I wish more people would really go in depth about the moment to moment nature of practice, which is why I've chosen to do so here.

Anonymous Comment Makes Me Take Stock

2010-11-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

First of all, thanks to everyone who's been posting encouraging comments about the new direction of this blog. It's funny because I thought there would be a real lack of interest in me writing about my practice like this, but that hasn't proven to be the case thus far. Granted, this blog isn't getting the hits it once did when I wrote about controversial subjects, but there seems to be a steady increase in readership.

And although I'm not doing this for readers, it's still nice to know that maybe people are "getting something" out of what I'm doing here.

For my part, I'm definitely getting something out of the interesting comments, even the semi-trollish ones. An anonymous poster accused me of being a thief because I do my breathing practice at work, etc. Now he/she (I'm pretty sure it was a he) was being pretty harsh but I know in my heart that the point was valid. Of course, right now I'm writing this at work, so maybe I still need to learn my lesson.

But hey, we DO get breaks at work. In fact, I've found breaks to be an important part of clearing my head so that I am more focused when I buckle down to a task. But still--the anonymous poster hit me where it hurt.

I dislike the fact that I am so lazy at work, and so lazy in other parts of my life. I hate the fact that I often avoid doing things I should be doing in order to goof off. Ultimately goofing off constantly becomes a very stressful activity.

So one of the things I am doing is to try and really work harder at my job, be more diligent, and to bring more relaxation to that process. It's an area I've struggled with for a long time and I feel like if I can make a breakthrough here, it will do wonders for my overall mental state.

So thanks, anon.

I'll let everyone know how it goes...

Moments of Practice

2010-11-02T16:15:00.000-07:00

Near the end of the day I bring up an online stopwatch via my web browser and dutifully breathe with it for 20 minutes. I am falling asleep a little bit, dozing as I do frequently. I try to remain conscious (just normal conscious, like keep my eyes open) but it proves difficult. And this is at my job nonetheless!

But once the twenty minutes are up I already feel a little better. Grateful. Breathing and relaxing does feel better than being crazy and tense. It's nice to come back to that.

Go to the bathroom on my way out of work and try to stay present, continue to breathe. Recall why I love this practice so much. Smile to myself as I think about it, think about how I want to blog more about the business of coming back and leaving, how it works for me. Why I do it. That is the kind of blog I would want to read. The nitty gritty, the good the bad and everything in between.

As I think these thoughts I am still maintaining some awareness of my breath, trying to stay relaxed and even. I leave work and get in the car. As I drive out of the parking lot I practice a little talking. Talking while maintaining relaxation and awareness of breath is difficult for me. I need to practice more. Sometimes it leaves me feeling tense or almost hyperventilating which is a sign that I am doing it wrong.

I call my wife and talk, still trying to keep things going. I am able to do so, although the drive home proves to be more difficult. I listen to talk radio, sports radio, lose myself in the drive and in the talking from my speakers.

Once home, we immediately bring our puppy, Ally, for a long walk. I cannot seem to walk the dog or deal with her as well as talking to my wife and still maintain awareness. But every once in awhile I remember again.

This is what it's all about.

Things I am Currently Doing That Might Be Hurting Me

2010-11-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

Refusing to work on the outline for revisions that a literary agent requested nearly a month ago

Eating chocolate like it's going out of style, and consuming tons of sugar in general

Reading blogs all day instead of working at something--anything--remotely productive

Refusing to take a conscious breath or two in the midst of this drudgery i find myself in

Who Gains?

2010-11-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

More and more I am thinking about oddity of "spiritual authority," the mantle of enlightenment or priesthood or guru-"ness" that so many people throughout history have tried to don.

What's really in it for these people? What is in it for us, the students, followers and sometimes victims of such leaders?

Think about all of the books being written by folks like Ken Wilber, Andrew Cohen, Genpo Roshi, Adi Da, and on and on it goes...why do we assume that the old scriptures and religious stories, whether Buddhist or Hindu or Taoist are any different? Human beings wrote these things. Regular people wrote stuff and it got passed down.

Some of it may be useful, some of it may be useful if you are a guy or gal that wants to be seen as powerful and important and want others to listen to you.

There are very few areas in life where folks wield the kind of power that a religious figure (guru, priest, etc) wields. Maybe the highest ranks of politics. But mostly these days we view politicians with a very cynical eye, as so so many have been exposed as being of far lesser moral quality than even the average bum on the street.

Yet we still hold our religious figures near and dear. We still tend to value our cherished images of priests, monks and gurus as these nearly superhuman people with boundless wisdom and compassion and understanding--things that we HOPE to someday attain. Why is it that most of us never will? Is it because we don't cut the mustard?

Or is it perhaps because we are so honest with ourselves and others that we need not pretend to be something we're not?

As we see more and more examples of the "humanness" of our spiritual heroes, we must continue to realize that the kind of authority typically given to these people is simply not necessary. A spiritual guide or teacher is basically like a friend that helps you find your footing up a difficult mountain path. They can fall and hurt of kill themselves just as easily as the next person, although they might know certain parts of the territory better.

Many of these folks have never seen or even set foot on a mountain--these are the fakes.

The ones who have climbed a few mountains will offer some helpful words of advice, steer you in a helpful direction, be there to pick you up when you twist an ankle.

That is it, though. They are not superhuman, they are not miracle workers, they are not different than you or me. Many, many, many of the ones who seek the spotlight or ascend to positions of power and notoriety are very suspect people--no different than politicians.

It takes a certain kind of person to rise above the rest and attain positions of power--typically these things happen to people that really want to be in such positions. I've seen and found that those kinds of people often are not the ones that actually understand the most, but rather are the ones that like to be looked up to and fawned over the most.

It may sting, this lesson, but until it is learned it is hard to imagine real progress being made in terms of ridding the spiritual landscape of these awful parasites that we see popping up like weeds.

Keepin' It Real

2010-11-02T06:24:00.001-07:00

Today started off grim.
Cranky, low-energy. Got very annoyed with my wife over a minor incident where she didn't want to do a small chore that I'd forgotten to do before leaving for work. Thought about it in the car and started into a small downward spiral about how I feel overworked and stressed by the new puppy, new house, longer commute, and less time for just me and Lauren.
Could not breathe. Could not focus, relax or pay attention to anything but thought loops and inane morning radio.
At work, I am finally starting to calm down. A sense of shame is pervading. Need to call the wife and apologize.
Will I never learn?

Being Concerned About The State of The World And Yet...

2010-11-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

I just had a thought...oh yeah, I have one about every .000005 seconds.
But this thought intrigued me a little.
I was reading a scandalous blog not to be named here, and it struck me that here was a person who seemed very concerned with the morality of others. This blogger often wrote about politics and world events with a kind of determination and heartfelt appeal.
And yet it appears as though the blogger in question has actually treated many people around him or her reprehensibly.
So here is a dichotomy of someone who purports to care so much about how other sentient beings are being abused, while simultaneously abusing the people who she/he comes into contact with.

It's an interesting parallel with my own life. In the past and even recent times, I've found myself up in arms about something in politics--the plight of a downtrodden minority group, the destruction of the environment, treatment of animals. But I am then cruel and thoughtless with people in my life, treating them like shit, taking out my petty grievances and anger on them.

It's so easy to sound intelligent and caring and kind in words on paper. It's easy to make speeches about the right things to do, to sound wise and compassionate. It's really a shell game, though, because words on paper and speeches don't have anything to do with how I really live my life.

There's knowing things intellectually and being great at expounding on nice theories, and then there's the ability to treat others well, to be kind, to actually learn the value of generosity when everything in me wants to be a miser.

The gap is huge and many of the big storytellers, especially the spiritual ones, have not crossed this gap at all. They can talk about the territory of kindness and compassion, they can discuss the virtues of honesty and integrity and humbleness, and yet in life they are as cold and calculating and predatory as a Florida gator looking for an easy kill.

This is just something I've recognized in myself as well.

Blechhhhhhh

2010-11-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

Monday really might be the bane of my existence. I wake up and in the morning and it feels like I am climbing from a warm, snug cocoon of safety into an icy, cold world that is heartless and gray and grim. Monday in the fall heading toward winter is obviously the worst of all possible worlds.

I can't breathe on Mondays. It feels beyond useless. My breathing is tight and shallow and labored, like a dying animal's. I feel see through and non existent. The only thing that feels important is somehow keeping myself entertained. Somehow getting through the day so that I can feel a little lighter tomorrow.

I eat too much chocolate.
I avoid work and writing and practice.
I read scandalous blogs.
I used to engage in petty fighting but somehow I seem to have temporarily kicked that habit.

But now it is Monday afternoon and some of the life is returning to my body and mind. Why is it that at certain times meditation can feel so useless and pointless and nonessential that I wonder why it is I even spend a second a year doing it? I feel like these times are when it is most important to meditate, and that when I've finally learned that lesson, I will have gotten some wisdom worth having.

Losing it Only Takes a Second

2010-10-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

Awareness is a funny thing. When I am paying attention to my breath, for instance, it can sometimes feel almost easy. I'm in a kind of rhythm, and one little piece of my attention just stays focused on my breathing and then the rest of my attention can be free to focus on my thinking, or talking, or eating, watching TV whatever...

And I can be doing this for hours and then suddenly, in one moment--it's gone. I'm off on some tangent, watching TMZ and jerking off as I stuff a donut in my mouth. No awareness, totally mechanical, just going through life like an automaton. And once I leave the path, once I take that tangent, it can be minutes, hours, days--even YEARS before I come back.

It's a scary thing. Because even when I see the benefits so clearly, and even when I tell myself every day how important this work is, how much I value my practice--I can so easily be caught in a loop of insanity and unconsciousness and who knows where it will lead and when the insanity loop will finally run its course.

Perhaps I am getting better at catching it when i go off the track, but sometimes it seems more like luck than anything else.

If that is the case, then I wish you all good luck in your practice, we're all gonna need it!

I Admit It's Getting Better...and Zen Scandals

2010-10-28T07:07:00.001-07:00

I think I've noticed a change. Most of you who are reading--if there's anyone left now that I quit being a zen "tabloid journalist"--have not been following my blog since it's original incarnation back in 2006. But I can assure you that as many posts as I wrote about my meditation practice, it has been historically quite rare for me to say anything truly positive about it.

Usually I focus on the issues I'm struggling with, of which there are always many. And that keeps me grounded to a point, and not getting ahead of myself. At the same time, it's nice to self acknowledge when there's been some good stuff happening.

Right now I do feel like this practice is really making quite a difference in my life. I feel a sense of being grounded that I've never quite felt in the past. I'm calmer and less quick to anger, and when I do anger, it dissipates much more quickly and I don't hold onto the anger out of shame.

These are big things. These are things I've been struggling with for the better part of my life. Anger. People who've read this blog long enough have seen my outbursts, my trolling, they've seen it and I hope they've also seen some positive changes over the years.

Which brings me to my next point. Recently a new zen teacher scandal has surfaced. It's been on my radar for a long while now, but it's only just broken out in a more mainstream way. Normally this is the kind of things I would write a few posts about. It could no doubt generate a lot of controversy and thus many many hits to my blog. It would also no doubt provide me with hours and hours of distraction, entertainment (and of course, the corresponding suffering).

Someone on Brad's comment section asked why I hadn't written anything about the scandal, and I did honestly consider it. But then I thought, that wouldn't be much of a new direction for this blog, would it? There will always be more zen scandals, there's always going to be another teacher who pops up and does horrible things to students, and students who do horrible things to one another and allow themselves to be victimized. There will always be those who turn a blind eye to the abuse.

But I can't fight every battle. Maybe one day I'll be sufficiently moved by some injustice to write about it here. No doubt I will touch on the subject from time to time, it being an interest I have after all. Cults and religious gurus fascinate me to no end.

But right now my focus is on this practice. When I look back and read my old postings and the conversations in the comments section, it's always the posts about practice and meditation that hold the most interest for me, where I find some lasting value.

So maybe I'll just put my money where my mouth is and add some value to the discourse instead of tearing shit down all the time... :)

Nothing To Say But I'll Say It Anyway

2010-10-27T08:58:00.001-07:00

I am avoiding work again. I'm always avoiding work, and even beyond that--I am avoiding the work I usually do when I'm avoiding work...

I have an outline that is due to be handed into a literary agent that is interested in representing one of my books--provided I do some major revising. This outline is part of that process. And yet, it's been two weeks now and I can't seem to motivate myself to write more than tiny little bits of it here and there. So instead I am writing this blog post.

Blogging is a great way to avoid getting real work done, you know.

But seriously, what is my problem? Fear of success? Fear of failure? I don't know. I've been through this same cycle so many times before. I guess right now I am not really getting down about it, though. I've been very busy with a big move and getting a puppy and dealing with basic life stuff...it's not as if all I do is lounge on the couch all day...

Ah, excuses.

And what of meditation? Well, I am still doing my 20 minute sessions a day. On balance I've been better about bringing relaxation and attention to daily life. But not nearly as much as I'd like to be doing. My expectation, after all, is that I do this practice all day long, 24/7. And I believe it's possible, too.

So why aren't I doing it then? Not sure I have an answer for that, either. I do think that I have changed in that my baseline amount of attention and relaxation is generally much higher than it used to be (oohhh such an endgaining statement!! I might get swatted for that, but screw it, it's true!). I think sometimes when I have a kind of peak or breakthrough experience, I want it to last and it never does. But when it leaves, many times it leaves me in a different place than I was beforehand.

The image that comes to mind is of a piece of junk floating in the ocean. A big wave comes along and washes this piece of junk ashore. It's not still riding that awesome wave anymore, but the piece of junk did in fact travel a great distance. Now it's time for that piece of junk to pick itself up and get to walking'! I know I pushed that whole metaphor way too far.

On Being The Guy Who "Knows"

2010-10-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

In avoiding my work and life today, I've been over on Andrew Cohen's website and came across an article where he talks with Ken Wilber about consciousness. It's a little scary because their conversation is such a mishmash of Integral jargon and Evolutionary Enlightenment jargon (Cohen preaches the EE gospel and Ken preaches the I-I gospel). And yet, because of my bizarre fascination with the world of new age cults, I've read enough of this crap that their conversation has started to MAKE SENSE.

Used to be I'd glance through one of these articles and not know what on earth these two fellas were babbling about, and now I find myself nodding and going, "oh, yeah, turquoise. Four quadrants, states and lines. The leading edge. Yada yada."

But that's a side-note to my main point, neither here nor there really. My main point is how enticing it is to be the guy who knows the secret. To be the teacher, the guru, the expert.
It doesn't matter what field we're talking about. In any field, people want to be the knower of secrets, the one who people come to talk to and ask their opinion. To be respected and looked up to. I started playing golf recently and went for my first lessons with a craggy and crabby old pro. He said to me that "golf is the only game that has more coaches then players."

I should have said, "you haven't been around the eastern religion game then, have you?"
At least with golf I can watch my coach play 18 holes and see how he measures up. Not that ability to play always equals ability to teach, but still...at least there's something.

But back to eastern religions. This is an area where it's hard to tell what's real and what's show, which is humorous considering that one of the old cliches is that "everything is illusion, none of this is real."

So you get a teacher of meditation, be it soto or tibetan or rinzai or whatever...and you basically take it on some degree of faith that the guy or gal has some knowledge of stuff that you don't. And maybe they do. Or maybe not. Either way, it's still all on you--or me--to figure out our own path, our own way through the mess and distraction of daily life, and how to practice in it.

And doing that is very, very tough and very, very lonely and sometimes discouraging. Sometimes it's also amazing. But still, even when it's amazing, it can be difficult.

Bringing this rambling diatribe back to something resembling a point--I'm pretty sure there's one buried in this nonsense--is one of the things that Andrew Cohen said in his conversation with Ken Wilber. I've read a version of this statement before, but here it really stuck out to me.

Andrew Cohen:That's exactly how I feel most of the time. If I'm in a teaching position, suddenly I seem to know everything, but actually my everyday experience is that I have no idea what is going on.

The key for me is his explanation of how teaching makes him feel. Like he knows everything. I'm sure he has some very detailed, very self-comforting analysis of why this is, that he feels like he knows everything during a "dharma talk" and why that all goes away during his everyday life. And why perhaps this might motivate him to be teaching and constantly surrounded by followers and never really have a normal, everyday life.

Practice is hard. Real practice is not very glamorous and not really interesting a lot of the time--even if on another level it's the most interesting thing I do. On top of that, it makes me always aware that I am at square one, that I have never really gone anywhere. If I sit here at my computer and type away without any awareness, not paying attention to my surroundings, to my breath, to my mind, my habitual patterns...then right NOW at this very moment I am just as I have always been and 10 or 20 or 50 years of meditation haven't meant a damned thing.

And just the same, once I take that first conscious breath, I am right where the Buddha was when he took a conscious breath, or where Gudo is when he is sitting shikantaza. The big difference--I think--between someone like me and my teacher is that he really understands and accepts some basic principles. And as a result, he practices more and lives it more. But as soon as Guru Steve becomes unconscious, BOOM, he's right back in the land of dummies along with everyone else.

This is a very humbling practice. It take intense discipline and no matter how high or low I go, ultimately it's back to square one. And square one isn't all that exciting or fun and it can be scary too.

Being a teacher, expounding on all of my insights (as I'm doing right now btw), that's fun. Having my followers stare at me all doe-eyed and tell me how amazing I am and how great I make them feel, that's pretty damn exciting. I can ramble on for hours in that state, feeding the fantasy everyone is having, pumping all of us up--and especially me of course--trying my best to forget what I know deep down inside.

It's very, very simple. Incredibly simple. And we're all basically in the same boat, in the same pool, breathing the same air, smelling the same smells, etc. etc. The difference between one gal and the next is right now--what is she doing?

Some people have figured that out...really figured it out...and they can be pretty good teachers.

Success Breeds Success--and Maybe Unconsciousness

2010-10-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was kind of a cool day. I found out that a little independent film that I wrote and produced will be carried on iTunes and eventually hopefully a lot of other places. This film is probably the biggest success I've had to date in my writing career in that my film was made--financed by me and my wife--and then it eventually got picked up by a tiny distribution company.

But still...a real distributor watched my movie and decided they wanted to put it out under their name! Pretty cool. Not a lot of return on my investment just yet, but still.

Interesting how good news or excitement tends to effect my practice. Unfortunately, it does seem that the bad times can really spur me to greater depths of concentration and motivation in my attentiveness to this moment, whereas exciting things tend to move me further away. It doesn't have to be the case, but that does happen.

There's something about depressing, difficult circumstances that really help put my focus back on my mind, my thoughts, my body, in a way that can actually be quite liberating. Maybe that has something to do with why a lot of religious conversion stories come out of tremendous pain and suffering.

And yet, I'd really rather not have to suffer tremendously in order to wake up to this life. I don't think that's necessary. I hope it's not. Suffering can be a pointer, because it shakes me out of my comfort zone and helps me to see how much bullshit I shovel into my own brain on a daily basis. The problems that tore apart my family recently are a great example of this, because there were moments that I experienced a tremendous amount of freedom and happiness as I practiced in the midst of that terrible stuff.

But yesterday, when I began feeling that old feeling of excitement, the rush of new projects and potential and my mind started to create fantasies of money and more movies, etc. etc. I did not bring the kind of attention to things that I would like to. Then again, I am still doing my 20 minutes of daily practice and I have been occasionally remembering to relax and breathe and pay attention from time to time, generally far more often then I used to.

But that doesn't make me feel any better. In fact, I know that nothing will make me feel better except doing the practice RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND--right this moment. As long as I am typing away and forgetting to relax and breathe and pay attention, I am missing the point.

Ahhhh....(pretend you heard me just take a nice long inhalation with a smile).

What Does Paying Attention Really Mean Anyway?

2010-10-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

I was inspired to write this piece by some lively and decent discussion in the Hardcore Zen comments section of Brad's latest post.

What started it all was a comment by Brad which stated that: "When I sit, I really just sit. Wherever my awareness goes it just goes. The only thing deliberate I do is to keep making sure my posture is correct."

This kind of blew my mind. As I started to discuss it in the comments section with people who claimed to know what Brad meant by that statement, it became a bit clearer, although there are some subtleties and differences I think in how people do such a practice.

It seems that many practitioners of shikantaza feel that the lotus posture in and of itself is a posture that changes the body-mind state and that nothing really needs to be added or subtracted from sitting actively in that position. Brad and others have even gone so far as to say that this is not really meditating, but it is something different which can be confused with meditation.

Brad and those who follow a similar path don't advocate doing anything with their attention during shikantaza. They check their posture occasionally if they find it going askew, and Brad mentions trying not to "add to thinking." In other words, he doesn't make efforts to think or continue a particular fantasy, he just sits. Period.

What I do for my practice is very different, in that I am actively manipulating my attention and turning it to a particular direction. I am working with a bunch of things at once. My breathing is an active process. I do not just watch the breath and follow it or count it, but I control my breath, helping to relax and usually make it deeper and slower--although what I do depends on how my body is responding at this moment.

At the same time that I am attending to my breathing I am also trying to generally stay relaxed in my body--the breathing naturally facilitates this, but I pay attention to tightness in my face, jaw, abdomen, etc.

And then, as well as these relaxation techniques, I am also paying attention to what I am doing. If I am typing on the computer as I am right now, then I am paying attention to this as well as my body. If I am talking, same thing. I do not withdraw from the world in order to do my practice, instead I practice along with whatever is there in front of me.

I have certainly found that practicing in this way has allowed me to be more present and relaxed in my day to day life, and in more situations. And because I feel better when I am relaxing, staying present with my experience is more pleasurable and rewarding.

Many times, when I withdraw into fantasy or daydreaming, angry thinking or negative interactions in my life, it is due to the fact that my bodily experience is very unpleasant and staying with that unpleasantness is---well--unpleasant.

But relaxing into that is not always easy and it's certainly no quick fix. However, I have found that this method is something which has allowed me to take some amount of moment to moment control of my experience, to stay more present with my life and what is happening in it.

I believe, from what I know and also the explanations that others give--that shikantaza is taking a different road up the mountain to reach a similar place. Letting go in the way that Brad and others seem to advocate, letting go of everything but that posture--is a truly radical step.

But it is no more radical than any other legitimate meditation. And it is still meditation, folks. Sorry. What is radical is really doing whatever practice I am doing, with all of my abilities and all of my dedication.

The Curse of Stating Intentions Publicly

2010-10-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

I should have known better. The last time I publicly stated anything about my meditation practice in public, I had initially a very tough time with the program I set for myself.

It's kind of like when the guys who built the Titanic had a big press conference where they announced that "even God couldn't sink this boat." Oopsies.

Anyhow, ever since I did my latest blog post, I've probably been LESS attentive to my practice than any day in the previous two months. Not sure if it's coincidence. Maybe I sensed my attention and motivation waning and so I created this blog change as a way to get myself going again? It certainly wasn't at the front of my mind but perhaps...

My wife and I just bought a new house and we've been doing a lot of work on it, pretty much on our own with very little help. And we're not the handiest people around so it's been a lot of effort and slow going. But I am proud of us for doing it. The thing is, on Friday night, the two of us rented a truck and tried to move some of our biggest and heaviest furniture. Luckily the heaviest piece we have is a treadmill. But still--it was really not fun and it was raining and everything while we moved.

I acted like the biggest asshole. I really haven't behaved so badly in a long, long time. Just being really frustrated, angry, getting visibly annoyed with my wife even though she wasn't doing anything wrong. Afterward I felt really bad and apologized. And then...I did it again when we were moving stuff later that night!

I totally lost myself and did not do any of my practice, even though I had consciously told myself to make it a priority. I knew that this was going to be a frustrating experience--moving heavy stuff with just the two of us--but I knew that if I could bring some relaxation to it then we would get through it without too much aggravation.

I was disappointed with myself for that. But, we pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off, and move on. I've still been doing my 20 minute a day practice without fail, although even that has gotten a bit dodgy. Over the weekend I found myself waiting until late at night to do it and sometimes I had the TV on while I did mindfulness! Sometimes thats actually not a bad practice for me, because I believe wholeheartedly in practicing with life activities so that I get used to breathing and relaxing during different parts of my day.

But this time I was using TV as a way to avoid the full brunt of my practice and I knew it.

Speaking of that, I also sense that part of my struggles with relaxing and being "conscious" during things like moving or painting or other physical activities really just amounts to a lack of significant practice in those areas.

A few years ago I had a lot of difficulty relaxing consciously at all. Even during my meditation periods, I struggled mightily. Then eventually those practice periods got easier but I struggled everywhere else. Now I can breathe and relax in a variety of circumstances--mostly ones where I don't necessarily have to do a lot, such as sitting in a work meeting or at dinner or spending time cuddling with my wife.

But things like an intense discussion, or something where I really have to put in a lot of physical effort--I simply haven't put in the practice hours and I just go unconscious and get very stressed and tense.

My wife definitely reacts more now to when I am behaving "frantically"--that's her term for it. My energy just gets very hectic and almost panicked. It's not a fun energy to be around. When I am relaxing and breathing, whether she knows I am practicing or not, lately my wife has started to show a real preference for that state of mind. Again, this shows me that when I actually DO my practice, it works.

Remembering to do it is always the hardest part!

New Blog Direction and Life Recap

2010-10-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

Some of the readers of this blog might have a faint memory of my old blog called Gangstazen which detailed a "meditation experiment" which I undertook. The experiment lasted about 6 months (it had initially been set to last a year).

I locked that blog and made an archive of my old posts and recently re-read them. I was sort of surprised by how much interesting stuff was in there as far as conversations and how I am once again rediscovering a lot of what I was talking about back then--around 2008.

So I was feeling kind of nostalgic for what I did then, and also feeling that this blog has served much of its purpose, especially in terms of the negativity that it promotes at times.

As a result of this feeling, my aim is to return to blogging mostly about my own practice on a daily basis, and hopefully generate more of a positive direction for the blog and for myself.

** ** **

After I stopped my meditation experiment in 2008, my meditation practice became a lot less regular--at least, from what I can remember now. I'm sure that I made some sporadic attempts to get back on regular schedule, but at a certain point I don't think I even tried anymore.

And then came a fairly long period of time where I didn't talk to my teacher and didn't really think much at all about my practice.

But then, as usual, life threw me a curveball and things changed. Something happened in my family that I've only alluded to previously, and a series of events radically shifted my outlook. In a matter of months, my family nearly fell completely apart. Everyone was taking anti-anxiety meds and meeting with therapists. There were calls to the department of social services. Family bonds were destroyed and relationships affected in ways that may never heal.

I felt like I was losing so many people and relationships in such a short time, things were spinning out of control.

As a result, I returned to my practice with a renewed sense of urgency. My practice has always been about watching my breath, and allowing my body to relax from one moment to the next. In the past, I had a reason to practice but now I had a motivation beyond the usual life circumstances. This felt like a matter of survival for me.

And so within the last couple of months I have come to a place where breathing and relaxing and attention have more meaning then ever before, and the benefits are much clearer.

I have been maintaining a daily 20 minute practice regimen which I do without fail, but I also have been doing my best to relax and pay attention to my breathing throughout my activities in life. So far, the benefits have been really quite amazing and I am happy that after over a decade of practice I am able to see more clearly the moment to moment fruits of such a practice.

Now what I am hoping to do is continue this and build off of what I've learned. In the past, I have often started to lose the motivation of my practice as time goes on. Slowly, slowly, I slip back into an unconscious state where my meditation practice is of less and less importance and I get overwhelmed by other life events. My teacher says this is natural, due to habits that are years and years in the making. The habitual way of life naturally will win out without sustained effort to keep awareness present.

So far I've been able to keep that sustained effort going. Hopefully this blog will be yet another way to continue the process.

Recommendation

2010-10-13T11:40:00.000-07:00

So often on here I mention blogs/teachers/books/organizations that are bad are corrupt or that i have some issue with.

Well, today is different. This blog is really good and I give it my highest recommendation.

http://thebigoldoaktree.blogspot.com/

Resistance

2010-09-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

I've been reading some stuff on Treeleaf forums about resistance to practice, and it kind of inspired me to write a post. BTW, all credit to Treeleaf on this--some very interesting discussion about authority, obedience, ritual and tradition, etc.

There is always a kind of tightrope walk when I try and learn something new, doesn't matter if it's a sport, a musical instrument, some new job, whatever. The tightrope is that as a beginner, I need to listen closely and try to learn from those who have spent hours and hours performing the task that I want to understand and become proficient at. But I also want to use my fresh eyes to see what works for me, what can be done differently, where there are perhaps inefficiencies or things that simply don't work for me personally.

It's a balance, and it requires that we be honest with ourselves, open to changes, willing to listen and learn, push through difficult times, and hopefully put in the hours and hours of effort to become expert in the task or technique.

But what does it mean to resist a particular teaching? That depends.

I began learning to relax and breathe from the man who I consider my teacher, affectionately called "Guru Steve," about ten years ago. In the ensuing ten years, I have experienced all kinds of resistence and questions and rough patches. At the very beginning, what kept me coming back to the practice of breathing and relaxing was talking to and meeting Guru Steve and seeing and feeling something very different in how he behaved, spoke and expressed his views on things. Here was someone that almost was a foreign entity to me, he was so different.

When I spoke with Steve (and even now when I talk to him), I never sense that he is trying to get something from me--I never sense that he needs me to behave a certain way or that our interactions are feeding his ego or creating some kind of dynamic that is important to his psyche. And I have to say, I still to this day have never experienced that with another person. It is unique to him and I always sensed that it came from his deep, sustained practice and commitment to his path.

But although I had Steve's example, the practice he advocated was very difficult for me. Instead of relaxing and breathing, I found myself getting more and more tense when I did what I thought he was advocating. Why was this practice making me WORSE??? Sure, sometimes it seemed to help a little, but for YEARS I felt an almost unending sense of frustration with the guidelines he'd set forth.

But I saw just enough glimpses in what he told me, I understood the principles of what he said and his answers and behavior were incredibly consistent over years and years of interactions. And I was able to see just enough value to keep me coming back to the practice. I also saw the scientific studies (regarding importance and health aspects of relaxed deep breathing) that underscored what my teacher had been saying for years. Add to the fact that Steve is one of the most vibrant, healthy sixty-something year old men I've ever met...there was a lot to recommend the practice.

Still, it was a struggle. I had doubts. I felt that no matter how hard I tried, I could not get up the intensity and focus to sustain a practice for very long. My discipline was weak and I resisted at every turn.

But I did not, at a core, resist the basic principles of the teaching. I saw clearly that being more relaxed could only help me in life, that breathing and oxygen were a fundamental part of this process for me, and that I was gaining important understandings by working on myself in this way. I saw it and experienced it more and more clearly over days and months and years. And my teacher always told me to test it for myself and throw it away if it didn't work. Many times when I called or saw him and complained about my difficulties, he said--literally--"Maybe this practice isn't for you."

That stung.

And yet I kept coming back to this practice. Sometimes I would go away for awhile, but always I returned.

And then recently, I experienced some important breakthroughs in my understanding of this practice. I've put in hundreds, thousands, of hours of practice. And I have started to discover the benefits in a more sustained way. Still there are struggles and resistance.

But the resistance comes from old habits, from laziness, from lack of focus, from fear.

The resistance does not come from a lack of comprehension or lack of reasonable answers to my questions. My resistance is not to being an "obedient" student--in fact you all might be shocked at how willing a student I have been. I have never overtly challenged Steve, my respect and gratitude to him has been all encompassing. There have been times where I thoroughly questioned him on a point that I was confused about, but always with the deepest respect and admiration.

Sometimes I find myself surprised at how compliant and willing a student I have been, given my history of troublemaking, rabble rousing, aggressiveness, and mistrust of male authority figures. But Steve never let himself be drawn into my silly emotional games. He just never opened the door to such silliness and so I never engaged in it either. It was simple really. I think he's so emotionally healthy that I had very little reason to be drawn into that kind of bullshit.

I can only speak from my own experience. Resistance is fine, and natural. Where is it coming from? If something just makes no fucking sense to me, if my teacher can't or won't explain it, then maybe I just ignore it. Maybe it really is bullshit.

If I have the essentials of the practice and I have seen and experienced these things for myself, and they make sense--but I resist following through because of fear, laziness, lack of focus, old habits...that is natural! That is why I practice, because I need to get stronger and deeper into my practice.

Everyone has their own path but we are all in charge of our own understanding. It is OUR responsibility, our understandings, and maybe some of us just want to be blindly led into whatever a teacher says to do. I think that is a bit silly and unnecessary but maybe that is just my own experience and certainly that is the case.

Brad's New Bookie Wook: A Hasty Review

2010-09-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I got Brad Warner's new book recently. It's called "Sex Sin and Zen" and then a bunch of other stuff I don't feel like typing out right about now.

I was determined to give this book a very thorough review, to the point where I wanted to even make little notes in the margins, highlight and sticky note various sections, the whole nine yards. But you know what happened?

I just couldn't do it. All kinds of shit came up that overwhelmed my little notions of book reviews and it's a miracle that I'm even writing this ridiculous nonsensical review right now.

But let's get down to the point here. Did I like this book? It was just okay. It was probably my least favorite of his books so far, mostly because it strayed pretty far from his "memoir" type of writing style which I've always enjoyed. Now, on the positive side, Brad's "voice" is still very present and engaging. As a struggling writer myself, I can say that a writer's voice is what makes people read their work, and probably foremost in reasons why an unpublished writer stays unpublished. Having a bad or nonexistent/generic voice.

Brad has a great voice. He's snarky, funny, entertaining, all of that. And so it's very easy to just read his stuff, whether it's a blog post or a book, and sort of be soothed by that familiar patter that only he has.

The problem I had with his latest effort is that it felt rather unfocused. He covered a lot of material relating to sex, sexual desire, Buddhism, how Buddhists view different aspects of sexuality vs. the U.S., etc. He had long sections that discussed niche sexual practices such as polyamory and the bdsm crowd. Some of it was interesting, but much of it felt overlong, such as a totally unfocused and rambling discussion he had with Nina Hartley. Much of what she discussed seemed like overintellectualized pseudo-scientific, pseudo-religious bullshit that would have better been left on the cutting-room floor.

It's tough to give a middling review of a book that Brad obviously worked so hard on. It's got to be his longest work, and there is a lot of material there. He clearly put a lot into this. And although he continues to do his thing where he writes sophomoric footnotes on nearly every page, he clearly tries his best to be careful and sensible with his overall message about sex and Buddhism.

But I think this book lacked something of a real coherence and a strong "plot line" for lack of a better term. There wasn't quite enough holding it all together and as a result, there were times during my reading when I just felt kind of "meh" about it.

Yes, I'm glad I read the book and there were parts that I enjoyed. But in the future I hope Brad goes back to the kind of memoir style that he has employed to great effect for awhile now. Those were definitely the strongest sections of the book for me (like the part where he talks about seeing Amma, the hugging saint).

I wish this could have been a more positive review. As a writer who has written four unpublished novels and been rejected by more agents and editors than you can shake a stick at, I have a sense of how difficult writing is, and how frustrating it can be when someone doesn't "get it."

Unfortunately, in this case, I didn't quite get it. But I still liked it anyway...if that makes any sense.

Ethics Committee at Treeleaf and More Banning Talk

2010-09-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

I came across a rather welcome posting today at Treeleaf, where Jundo describes the ethical committee and it's members which has just been instated at Treeleaf. He also lists the basic tenets of the organization. I was fairly heartened, reading it.

The only notable omission (which is also brought up by Stephanie in the same thread) is any real structure or clarity around banning or temp-banning of Treeleaf members. Stephanie speaks eloquently in this thread about how destructive such a ban can be for a person who feels that Treeleaf is more than just "some internet forum" and is actually treating the place as a real social and spiritual outlet and community.

Jundo stands very firm in this same thread--in opposition to creating ANY clarity around how banning takes place in Treeleaf. He states that Taigu and he will be the arbiters of who they teach and why and when a particular person will be no longer welcome on the forums.

Although his arguments are (as usual) well-written and cogent, I don't find them very persuasive. It is simply a fact that most well-run, moderated internet forums have some fairly clear rules and restrictions laid out that make it clear what will or will not result in bans and temp bans. And having such a clear cut set of "bannable offenses" would help to alleviate some of the problems Jundo has ALREADY experienced in regards to his decisions to cast a few "trouble-makers" out of the sangha.

But as usual, evidenced in this very thread about an ethics committee, he refuses to really deal with an ethical issue in an open and honest fashion. For some reason it is very important to Jundo to maintain absolute control over the membership at Treeleaf when it comes to this subject. There's really no good reason NOT to have some basic guidelines around the manner in which a person is ejected from a spiritual and social group. Whether or not "everyone" does it, there is certainly call for it on most internet forums, and I would argue, any zendo worth it's salt. Especially one that claims to hold itself to the highest of ethical standards.

But don't just take my word for it. Read Stephs well-written posts further into the thread about how devastating such a ban can be for the "bannee" and then see Jundo's response, which fails to adequately address her concerns.

Relaxation is the Most Important Part of Meditation

2010-08-28T18:17:00.000-07:00

I had a quick conversation with Jordan over on his blog and it made me want to write this post. Jordan used to read my old blog where I wrote about my daily meditation practice and he sometimes mentions missing those old posts. So Jordan, this one is for you (and btw, most of it has nothing to do with our conversation, it merely reminded me that I wanted to talk about these things. I have nothing but respect for your practice and viewpoint, Jordan).

Anyway, I can kill two birds with one stone here--write a post about practice and also talk a bit about how wrong I think some Zen teachers are when it comes to relaxation, meditation and mindfulness. These are terms that a lot of people in Zen/Soto circles have strong feelings about.

A lot of people say that paying attention to the breath is a beginner's meditation. I've talked a lot in the past about how silly that notion is to me. I don't think there is such a thing as beginner's meditation. Every meditation that I've ever learned has limitless depths, absolutely you can go deeper and deeper and deeper. And still never reach the bottom of it.

So when someone says "you should focus on your breath until you develop some concentration and then move on to shikantaza" or awareness of thoughts, or working on koans, or whatever-because breath-work is for beginners-I just think that is a silly attitude.

Similarly, there is an attitude about relaxation, which says that whether or not meditation is relaxing is beside the point. The theory in many zen circles is that sitting zazen is just sitting, and there should be no attachment to results such as "becoming more relaxed" or "having less thoughts" or whatever...

I can see the point behind such statements, but let's examine even further.

Here's my experience. When do I become deluded? When do I engage in harmful acts such as expressions of anger, hurtful speech, jealousy, etc? Typically these behaviors and delusions come about in the midst of tension. Bodily tension.

Look at it another way. How often do you hurt others or yourself when you are very relaxed? Quite often? I don't really think so. Tension is responsible for so much of the problematic behavior that human beings engage in. Tension, bodily tension, is at the root of so many things like fear and anger and other primal emotions. It goes hand in hand with delusional thinking. I often change or see through my deluded thinking when my bodily tension is allowed to disperse. And you can see this in life all over the place. After a huge blow out fight, the bodily energy and tension is gone and people cry and say I love you. After makeup sex, an arguing couple suddenly become like newlyweds again. Two feuding men get in a fist fight and then after they say, "hey, no hard feelings. It's all water under the bridge." These things happen, in large part, because the bodily tension was gotten out. The problem is that most of us--certainly I can speak for myself--have not learned how to get rid of tension without doing something like arguing, punching, making passive aggressive comments, whatever. I see this a lot with certain nameless Buddhist masters who use passive aggressive speech to work out bodily and mental tension. I have a hard time believing that such a teacher has deeply studied the problem if they still don't understand this "beginner" concept...

On a moment to moment basis, my body is reacting to the world. My body and mind are reacting constantly to everything around me. Now if I am not being mindful, if I am not paying attention to these reactions and to the world around me, how can I possibly change my behavior? How can I possibly come more into alignment with the reality of the world I live in and am a part of?

People like Brad Warner say that sitting for an hour a day brings us naturally into balance and effects the way we see and live the rest of our lives. Perhaps this is so. I certainly think that Brad says things which lead me to believe he has seen and understood many important things about life. But I don't agree with some of his points about mindfulness and the notion that staying mindful moment to moment is impossible or a waste of time.

If we are not truly mindful then we are basically reactive and acting purely automatically, and habitually. This is not what I understand of Buddhism. This is not what makes sense to me from experience.

My experience is that working with bodily tension on a moment to moment basis shows me a great deal about how I am deluded and how my body/mind works and reacts in concert with the universe. And relaxing simply makes this process more enjoyable and allows it to continue, allows me to be more and more harmonious with my life and surroundings. Why not become more relaxed? It encourages me paying attention, and it allows me to stay "present" without wanting to escape into mindless activity to release tension and anxiety. When my body starts to become tense, I want to find an escape. I want to run into fantasy or anger or food or something, anything to cure the discomfort.

Breathing is such an integral part of how this happens. My different states of mind come with a change in breathing and state of my body. When I am angry, my stomach and diaphragm tighten and become almost locked up. My breathing is shallow and fast. I start to lose consciousness of my body and mind and become lost in repetitive thinking. I begin to act and react without mindfulness or concepts of rationality, or fairness. Relaxed body and mind is a very fluid, natural and deep breathing pattern. If you want to see this in action look at a baby and the way it breathes.

If you haven't seen these things for yourself, I will challenge you and say that you haven't been paying much attention to your own body. You probably haven't paid enough attention to your breathing, to your bodily tension and how it interrelates with your thoughts.

This might be a "beginner's practice," but sadly, most zen masters haven't even come close to seeing the truth of it. At the same time, I've clearly come across zen folks who have seen these things because they have worked hard enough and long enough and paid attention enough to see it, even if they use different terms and words than I do to explain things.

I've never been a big believer that one practice has a lock on the truth of our experience. Each individual must find their own way through, will find their own way through.

After perhaps a decade or more of practicing my own practice, which I have described here to an extent--I am finally seeing the fruits of it on a moment to moment basis. And I can tell you that watching my breath for a couple of sitting sessions wasn't even close to enough time to start to come to grips with the breath. That's like saying that by playing a g chord on a guitar for a few hours, you've understood rock music.

Meditation Totally Made Me Hallucinate!!!

2010-08-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

Jordan made an interesting post on his blog about samadhi.

I'm not going to bother trying to define Samadhi for people unfamiliar, as I have a feeling my take on it is probably wrong and I am not much of a scholar.

But it made me think. Lately, we've been having some discussions about kensho and samadhi and these different experiences or states one can reach whilst meditating. What are these states? What does it all mean? Should we cultivate these experiences, should we simply let them come and go, should we do both?

Again, you'll find no answers here from me. All I can do is comment on my limited experience.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, in fact, I expect that's probably the case...but the longer I've meditated, the LESS far out and wild experiences I have. I'm not sure why that is. I'd venture to say that I can almost feel myself WANTING to start to have such an experience, that I can sense myself trying to head towards it, and then it simply fades away because I see what's going on.

I remember years ago I would start to feel like all of my body processes were slowing down and down and I would suddenly feel like maybe I was going to have some kind of death experience like Ramana Maharshi supposedly had at age 12 when he awakened. But I never did have that near death awakening, and now I can sort of see times when I feel things slowing down or maybe I am dozing off, or my breathing feels strange and i just kind of pop out of it again...no big deal.

My teacher once taught me how to cross from a completely awakened state into the dream state whilst maintaining full awareness. I was only able to do it one time. I actually stayed conscious and aware while my body went into sleep mode and it was probably the objectively weirdest thing I've ever done. I know for a fact that it worked. I was never able to replicate the experience. But it didn't really change anything and I'm not sure that getting obsessed with that sort of experience is very worthwhile. It doesn't really mean much in day to day life.

The first time I sat across from my teacher, I had a very strange moment where my thoughts began to slow down and I got very quiet. He began to glow as I watched him, and the glow became more and more intense. My teacher then said, "most people can't see me for who I really am." I remember thinking, "holy shit, he's jesus!" Which is funny, with me being a Jew and all.

But after that insane experience passed, Steve said, "a lot of people get fooled into thinking that it's the person across from them who made the experience happen. When actually you are the one who has created it." But he wasn't demeaning the experience, just urging me not to imbue him with magic powers when I was the person who had had the experience.

I've had my mind settle down so many times in meditation and felt my body relax, felt tears of joy and understanding roll down my face...only to get tense fifteen minutes later and have a screaming argument with my girl friend on the telephone.

Nowadays, my practice feels somewhat tepid. I do it the way some people probably go for a nice power walk outside. I'm still focused and trying to meditate and learn about my body and mind, but I don't know...somehow without all the ideas and mystical mumbo jumbo, I just don't get the wacky stuff happening to me anymore. I imagine my teacher might say that I'm doing it wrong. I usually am.

Going it Alone

2010-08-10T06:22:00.001-07:00

I've often made statements on this blog to the effect that a teacher may not strictly be necessary for practicing meditation (be it Zen, Insight meditation, or some variation thereof).

Despite this statement, I have had only one primary teacher or guide on this path. So I don't really know what it would be like to "go it alone." However, I do think that it's possible to essentially walk the path with very little guidance from a teacher figure. It would be very difficult, and take a great deal of determination.

Ultimately, I kind of believe that one who is so determined will run across a guide of some sort. Maybe that's fantasy or something, but I just see the world as a place where you can't help but run into a teacher if you are in earnest.

The problem comes in when people get into groups and institutions and really lose sight (if they ever had sight to begin with) on what this practice of meditation really is about. To my way of thinking, meditation is about trying to see the world I live in as it is. It's about paying attention to my life in a way that is kind of revolutionary, moment to moment.

The thing about doing this, is that even though it can be rewarding, the rewards are not what I'd hoped for when starting out. I don't feel any wiser. I'm not some mystical teacher who can command the attention and respect of any human I desire to win respect from. I haven't conquered all of my fears or anxieties. I still feel all the same emotions.

I am still prone to behaving in ways that I am not proud of.

But I think that I am more clearly able to see and understand how I function in the world. To accept that person, to accept a lot of the things that perhaps I have struggled against for so long. I am able to acknowledge and deal with painful material, work through it.

My teacher has helped me through a great many things. But to be perfectly honest, a few basic directions were all I ever really needed to hear. He has spent the majority of our time together repeating shit he said a million times before, because I am too dense to take it in. I keep fighting it.

Most teachers basically repeat the same lesson over and over again.

People that are truly on this path understand that and know what it is. The instructions are incredibly simple. Pay attention. By whatever means necessary.

So why is it that people end up caught up in these insane dramas, where teachers are sleeping with their students, abusing them, people are getting extorted? Why all the drama and in-fighting over who got the phoney baloney certificate or whatever?

It's because we still don't want to really do the work. Pay attention. Simple.

Having a teacher is fine. A sangha is great. Or not. You still need to do the work. Nothing is magical, nobody does the work for me. Going to sit in a group of thirty doesn't suddenly make me able to concentrate and sit still any better than doing it on my own. And if it does, I'm probably doing it for the wrong reasons.

In other words, nothing is strictly necessary except some discipline and the intention to pay attention. Sincere effort. Boom. That's it.

Everything else takes care of itself.

But it's not that exciting really. We want excitement and intrigue. It's normal and natural. That's why people come to my blog when the fighting is going on in earnest. Because we want entertainment. We want a show.

It's the same reason people follow charismatic gurus and join groups and involve themselves in the political drama of their sangha. They want a show.

But the real practice is not about getting a show. It's a solitary, simple affair where I just find a way to pay attention.

Helpful Hints for Zen/Buddhist/Meditation Newbies

2010-08-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

If you are interested in meditation, eastern spirituality, Buddhistm--or any religious path, I'd like to give you a few helpful hints.

1. If you are offered a spiritual diploma, it's worth about as much as a fart in the wind. Kind of like someone giving you a certificate that states you're able to shoot imaginary laser beams from your eyes.

2. When approaching a teacher, spend some time watching them when they think nobody's watching. Be a peeping tom if you must. You'll see what they are really like much quicker that way. Zen parables have desperate students sitting outside in the freezing snow trying to prove their seriousness. In reality, most teachers placed in the freezing snow would find a way to sneak inside and warm their feet by the fire.

3. Pay attention.

4. Do number threee.

5. That's pretty much it.

See, that's much shorter than all those Sutras and scriptures. And it's just as accurate. You just saved yourself a few years of wasted time. If, however, you figure out that what you're REALLY after is a diploma, or you want people to think you're a wise teacher, or you want to pick up new age chicks, or you want to play head games...then by all means, do what everyone else is doing these days and join a religious group.

But if you want to actually start to see how things are, then just pay attention. If you want to avoid paying attention, joing a group. And worship some teachers and get involved in politics. Pretty simple, no?

Chet's Open Letter

2010-08-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

(NOTE: The following post was written by Chet, who was the subject of discussion in this post of my blog, as well as a great deal of entries and commentary that came after it)

This is Chet. I'm actually sort of surprised to see this all played out here. Steph told me about comments and whatnot, but I didn't really expect...well...THIS. LOL. Not that I mind, but I'd probably have wanted to get into the conversation before now.

Am I a douchebag sometimes on the forum? Yeah. But that's not why I got banned. Am I a sincerely difficult person sometimes? Well, I'm 35 and unmarried, so...yeah, probably. I mean, fuck, even Brad got married. (That's not fair - in person I'm sure I'm much more difficult than Brad even at his 'fiercest').

For the record, I'm not bipolar. I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, although I probably don't fit the diagnosis anymore (you need a certain number of the main symptoms and since I haven't cut myself in a LONG time and haven't threatened or attempted suicide in at least a couple of years, I don't know if I fit the 'Borderline' tag anymore). Wiki it and tell me what you think.

Here's something that might surprise you all - I don't really have a problem with Jundo posting most of the things here - it's bewildering that he'd WANT to do it though, because a lot of people judge religious authority figures along irrelevant lines. I've got no problem with someone being an asshole from time to time. I mean really, how could I? That's pot-kettle-black action, right there.

But you've gotta ask yourself something here - if I've been a hell-on-wheels unbridled lunatic on Trealeaf for years, why'd it take so long to ban me?

My argument with Jundo and Taigu has to do with sincerity.

I honestly don't know what brings people to Zen. The motivations to begin this path are almost always suspect. Just what is it that people think they're going to get that they don't have already? You really are already SOAKING in it. Really. It's not a trick. But...mountains are mountains, then aren't mountains, and then are mountains. The 'not mountains' part is pretty fucking important if you ask me. Everyone can see that mountains are mountains - it's plain as day - but what are they REALLY? Is it not the 'not mountains' that makes Zen (motherfucking) Zen? Is that not the part that people have a really hard time seeing?

And you can parrot this shit all up and down for years - but if you haven't SEEN it, what the fuck are you talking about? How do you approach Zen and all it's seemingly bizarre stories and sutras without it? Zen is not really about becoming a 'better' person, although it happens anyway. I'm certainly a better person now than I was back in the day. If you think I'm a douchebag now, well, you should have seen where I started. The point of the argument was not to ever imply that I'm a teacher or that I don't have anything to learn.

This is what I find important: if you've fooled yourself into thinking that 'knowing' it is 'seeing' it, then you're fucked as far as I'm concerned. And you'll know you're fucked too, because there will always be doubts about those seemingly crazy-ass things that Zen puts out through the years. If you can read the Diamond Sutra without any consternation you're either insincere, too stupid to get what it's saying, or you've actually SEEN it with your own mind. If you read the Diamond Sutra and in your heart of hearts know that you don't really get it, it'll pick at you. It's not a poetic description of an intellectual idea. Approaching it that way with sincerity will be WILDLY unsatisfying.

I seemed to see a lot of 'well, I don't get it but apparently I don't have to get it as long as I believe it' going on at Treeleaf - and so I'd say something to this effect: 'No, it's not an intellectual idea - no it's not okay to just believe it.' Sew your bib - sew 20 of the damned things. Study with all the top teachers. Do Jukai and get your fancy Indian-name. You'll know you haven't really seen it and anyone who has will also know it. Maybe they won't notice it immediately - there are some damned good self-deluded con-artists out there (certainly Jundo and Taigu would put me in that camp, but then again - what do they really know about me?) Of course, that's not even important because YOU YOURSELF will know you don't really get it.

I was never trying to say there is no value in shikantaza. For me ESPECIALLY, shikantaza is the way to go. If anyone needs to deepen actualization of the teachings, it's me - and I'm not pointing fingers at anyone (yet, LOL) about actualizing the teachings. I'm talking about ground zero. Not the end, but the beginning. Just what the hell is this Zen thing anyway?

What appears to me to be happening at Treeleaf is a lot of tepid 'circling the pool'. When things get intense, invariably someone comes along and says 'We should be quiet now'. Wow - that's a deep fucking realization. But WHY are you arguing restraint? There could be many reasons and only one of them is valid in my opinion. If the conversation is degrading into name-calling and devolving into something legitimately harmful - then restraint is called for. I admit, I'll likely be the last person to recognize when this is happening, but there are a lot of people throwing flags WAY too early in a discussion because they don't want to hear it. To me, that's not a legitimate reason for calling for restraint. Nor is disagreement with the teacher. Nor is heated debate.

How do you deepen and actualize the teachings if you haven't seen the truth of them in a way that goes beyond intellectualization? What exactly are you making real in your life if you haven't seen the nature of emptiness?

And Jundo has been fine with what I was doing for years. Until suddenly he wasn't. Yeah, I was coming at newbies pretty hard and that was mixed up with my own delusion and general asshole-er-y. I can go down some really dark holes of delusion and get pretty stuck on crazy shit - probably worse than most, actually. It's not my job to point this shit out - I know that - I'm no teacher. But goddamn it, no one else was doing it! I don't care how new you are, you need to know up-front that this is not self-help. This is not a 'Comforting Belief System (tm)'. Of course, it's not cutting off fingers and pushing people off porches either. It's not about being beaten up without rhyme or reason (A friend of mine said once that the trick to Zen is avoiding the guy in the fancier robes holding the stick. Of course, he's not Buddhist - but it was still cute.)

In none of my conversations on Treeleaf am I suggesting that I should be a teacher or that I've mastered any of this shit. Why the hell do you think I was on Treeleaf? I wanted to deepen my practice and have it pointed out when I'm clinging to my delusions. I've got some powerful delusions and a real tendency to cling to them. Don't think that I'm just going to hear it and it's going to get right in - it doesn't always work that way with me. But it does eventually get in as long as it's really pointed out to me. You've seen me drop this stuff before - hell, sometimes mid-post. To that effect, I'd say there's been real progress. In my life, it's the only way real progress comes - and this sense of better actualizing the teachings - if it was a delusion - it was a delusion Jundo shared with me. It was a delusion perpetuated by him in video discussion with me. It was a verbal affirmation that, 'Yes, Chet - you are not the same man who began here at Treeleaf.'

But now Jundo's opinion is 'No, it's not enough to drop your delusions, you have to never pick them up to begin with.' Well, that's great, Jundo - but then don't immediately get into a shit-storm on a blog about shit even pettier than what you just spanked your student for. Not a month later - no IMMEDIATELY - and you were far less conscious and dumber and more personal than I was with you. How can you not see the delusion of that? What will it take for you to admit to yourself that you also have very much to learn regarding actualizing the teachings of Zen? Pot meets kettle and hates kettle for it's blackness. That's a long shadow you've got there Mr. Cohen.

But how can you actualize something you've not realized. You drop the ball a lot, Jundo. I've often wondered why that was.

How many times is this that you've acted in way that is in no way defensible regarding Brad or someone connected to him? As a matter of fact, when is it that you interact with these guys that it ISN'T general jack-ass-ery? Repeatedly you've acted and one could say continue to act in a way that is unbecoming a Zen teacher. Aren't you supposed to have this shit down much better than I? Is it not you who states that acting this way is generally reflective of someone who is completely unrealized? Well then, welcome to the ranks of the unrealized! There's plenty of room for you on the bench.

People want to look at the general train-wreck of my life and say, 'See, he doesn't really get it or he wouldn't do that.' Well, how can you really KNOW that? You are a walking contradiction of your own very confused teaching, Jundo. On one hand you say that one's personal problems don't just go away when engaged in Zen practice, and on the other hand, you say that the continuance of such problems in my case indicates that there is no realization there. If you turned your critical eye on your own behavior, Jundo - or if someone outside the situation did the same - you wouldn't pass the test either. This is important, as I am just a lowly student who admittedly has not put in enough time or effort into the practice to in any way be deemed an authority on the matter. But you, as a teacher, ought to be better than exempting yourself from the standards you put in place for me.

Here's the thing - Your own standard is extremely deluded. if the panoply of Zen teachers in the West should teach us anything it's that even the deeply flawed can be rather good at pointing out delusion. Perhaps they're better than those that just circle the water just BECAUSE they're deeply flawed and hence are disposed to dispensing with their delusion just in their fight to stay alive and stay functional. I'd rather have a deeply flawed teacher who was nonetheless very good at getting me unstuck than someone with a more functional life who has not personally seen the truth of the Diamond Sutra. I don't think I'm alone in this.

Jundo, you've shown a pattern of ejecting people who challenge you to continue to teach them even though it's hard. I don't know much about the Harry thing - maybe someone can clue me in, but suggesting psychiatric treatment and possibly anti-depressants to Stephanie instead of putting the time and effort into teaching her was definitely about as wrong as you could be in your duties as a teacher. Her problem was not psychological, quite the opposite in fact. She was asking for a direct conversation regarding what Zen was about. She was practically begging for ANYONE to kick away the fucked up ideas she had about Zen and no one would (or could?) do it. You told her to see a shrink and take pills. Just what the fuck was that, exactly? Here you were presented with an opportunity to reveal the depth of your understanding and since you have no real and direct understanding, you demurred. Why did you sit on your hands? Because you could not speak to the great matter for which she needed GUIDANCE not pills.

Endeavor to become more aware of your shadow, please. Do it for yourself AND for your students. And for the Dharma's sake, if you doubt that you've seen it for yourself, honor that doubt and endeavor to see the heart of the great matter you are entrusted to transmit. Shit, ask Taigu to help - there are hints that at least he's seen what it is he's talking about. Then again, maybe not. Only he knows for certain, I guess.

It's my observation that the students hardest to teach are the students most worth teaching, as they do not drop their delusions easily, their delusional behavior is much, much easier to point out. Eventually. In my own case, in no way can I honestly and sincerely say that my life reflects the actualization of realization - but that's what I came to you for help regarding. You did help me get un-stuck regarding my attachment to emptiness - but I think that perhaps you were good at that because you haven't directly SEEN emptiness. Hence, you certainly could not be attached to it.

At some point I asked you if you had kensho. That's when you really went apeshit (as well as never providing an answer). You now backpeddle and say that you don't diminish kensho - but there are posts by you on ZFI that directly contradict this. In fact, you've said that what most Western Zen students regard as kensho is likely little more than the attainment of the first Jana. If your estimation of kensho has risen it has done so only very recently.

I will tell you this - people who've had the experience typically do not dismiss it in such a way - not even Soto teachers/students. This and your incredibly clumsy behavior regarding your students with the best potential lead me to believe you haven't seen the territory for which you claim to hold a map.

May I suggest this (as a person quite well versed in the method of fucking it up until you get it right): Don't take potshots at blog posters in an effort to defend yourself. It doesn't work and will be seen as the self-serving behavior it most definitely is. Instead, do as I am endeavoring to do - use this series of incidents to strengthen your resolve to actualize the Dharma in your own life and set to correcting your very real flaws. If bad behavior is an indication that there's something you don't get - well then by your own definition - you've got a lot to learn. Knowing that, you still can not lead people to a land you've never visited - I don't care how good you think your map is. The functionality of your life is beside the point if you haven't seen it for yourself.

But you won't learn it by covering it up, excusing it away, or saying that in your case, it isn't indicative of a real lack of realization. You're right though - in reality, it's evidence of a lack of actualization. The lack of realization is evident in the fact that you dismiss an experience you have not had because it's too scary to face your own doubt and also that you cannot speak directly and plainly to the needs of your best students.

A bad teacher, like a bad doctor or therapist, can be far more damaging than no doctor at all. I can excuse a great deal of bad behavior in a teacher (a main reason that I really have no problem with Brad or Trungpa or Maezumi - it probably helps that the last two are dead). What's harder to overlook is the evidence that the teacher himself is talking about things of which he simply doesn't know.

Of course - you will ignore all of this. You have a reputation to defend. This is why teachers without kensho should not be made teachers. Once you are a teacher, it is simply too difficult to let that go and descend once again into doubt.

As for the email I sent you after getting banned - it's meaningless now. I have always had doubts about your realization - but now they cannot be brushed aside. It's not your petty fight with Brad and Co. that has caused these doubts - it's the simple inability to speak directly to the needs of your students.

Good luck to you and your sangha. Most especially, good luck to the students entrusted into your care for the guidance you cannot give them.

(For the rest of you - sorry about the erratic and abrupt turns in this screed. Hopefully you were able to follow along.)

Chet

Being Nuts

2010-08-05T06:33:00.000-07:00

I was trying out a few different titles for this post, which was motivated by some interesting Treeleaf.org discussions about morality and kensho.

These topics about realization and morality crop up over and over again, for good reason, in Buddhist circles.

I don't have any answers on the topics, but I do have reflections borne out of thirty-six plus years of struggles and lessons. And here's my take on it based on observations of myself and others as I've gone through this life.

Fighting with people feels shitty. Whenever I've been engaged in some kind of struggle with people--even giving someone the finger as they passed recklessly by me in traffic--makes me feel worse than I did before. This goes double and triple for the real arguments and fights with family members, friends, girlfriends, etc.

Sometimes I need to stand my ground. Sometimes in this world, I need to fight to keep from being a doormat. You might be surprised, given my attitude online, to know that I have often been walked on in my younger years by people who sensed that I was more likely to tell a joke than engage in a fight. Yes, I've always been quick to anger and lash out, but I think much of that came from having been emotionally and physically wounded at a young age. I started to believe that a tough offense was better than a good defense. I learned that being nice and smiling wasn't always such a good move.

I have a multitude of hangups. There was a guy who sort of considered me his mentor/teacher. I didn't really try to become that for him, but apparently speaking with me tended to make him feel better when he was feeling anxious. But I always made sure to let him know that we were on the same plane as one another, i was not "higher" than him. And one day, I played him a recording of a conversation I had with my own teacher, Steve. In the recording I was talking with Steve about a certain personal fear that has bothered me off and on throughout my life. This friend heard the recording and was kind of blown away that i was hung up on such a silly fear. And I told him, "yeah, I have crazy stupid hangups. probably more than most people." And to this day, I still have all of them, pretty much. In fact, I'd say i've even accumulated NEW hangups as I've gotten older.

I am more aware of my limitations. Recently I've become more aware and accepting of my own limitations. I've talked a bit on this blog about how I handle certain personal, stressful situations where I cannot help someone close to me. I tend to not handle them very well. But that's nothing compared to an even simpler limitation. I have found that when I am hungry, I act like a baby. Literally. My mood will get horrible and I begin whining and complaining and feeling like the entire world sucks. And then I eat something and all is right again.

Loving relationships have been more important than anything. My relationship with my wife has taught me that a true loving relationship can teach more about real acceptance and harmony and alleviating suffering than any other spiritual balm I've come across. Ultimately, love may be timeless, placeless, nameless and faceless. But if you can't be in love with someone or something in and of this world, and really give yourself over to something besides your own journey, then I have a hard time believing you've got any spiritual wisdom to impart.

Being more and more at home with myself and my own realities has been worth all the gold and riches on the planet. I see my spiritual journey as being more and more about accepting all of my flaws and limitations and fears, and just allowing it all to manifest in my life and the world without feeling ashamed of it. Being honest as possible with myself and others. I don't necessarily spell out every last twisted thought and ridiculous fear to everyone I meet, but I know within my own mind and heart what they are and where they lie in my personal landscape. I work with them on a daily basis. I open up to people close to me about my struggles and challenges.

There is more here than meets the eye, but if I pay attention, I see more and more of it. I've had enough strange experiences with meditation and my teacher Steve, to feel that there is more going on in this world--whatever it is or wherever it is--to know that what is happening right now is wondrous and inexplicably odd. terrifying and beautiful. Strange. Magical. I have seen things that I can't quite explain. My own teacher has made claims that I have not yet verified, but a couple of his claims have been strangely verified by science in ways that make me wonder...for instance, he talks a lot about "seeing clearly" and how our rapid eye movements, blinking, and generally being unfocused stops us from seeing clearly. If you do some web searching, you will find newer scholarly, scientific articles that discuss this in a way that I found almost shocking. Because Steve, my teacher, has been talking about the importance of keeping my eyes still, my body quiet, and making sure my breathing is relaxed as I go through the world. Not just in seated meditation--but at all times--in order to truly see the world for what it is.

I am still an idiot. I still don't know anything, really. So mostly I just live life by the normal rules and play the game. I've found it's much easier and happier when I go with the flow and conform to a society that I used to find outlandish and pathetic. I am partly the exact thing that i used to abhor. A regular guy with a house in the suburbs, a regular job, who goes golfing for fun. But there is more to me than that, and more to this life than I will ever know. At least I know that now....

I think.

Does Buddhism Go Far Enough? Have You Gone Far Enough?

2010-07-29T06:07:00.000-07:00

One of the main points of Buddhism as I understand it, is to see reality for what it is, letting go of attachments and delusions. Letting go of our preconceived views of the world and our place in it, even letting go of the concept of "me".

But does that square with how we actually endeavor to practice Buddhism? I say this because if you see the way most of us practice whatever various Buddhist offshoot, it seems like we're just finding new ways to honor the status quo of what we feel comfortable with.

There are a number of ways that we do this. We gravitate towards the kind of teachings and choose the kinds of practices that feel "right" to us. I believe this is probably why some people make the point that we should sometimes stick with a teacher or practice that feels uncomfortable, as the point of Buddhism is not to get cozy and comfy, but rather to have our worldview shaken to its very foundations.

But even beyond the notion of going with a teacher or a branch of Buddhism that cuts against the grain of how we normally operate, we are still probably going to continue to find ways to stay wrapped in our own delusions or misconceptions about reality.

The relationship with teachers is a big part of this. The teachers themselves will not step out of their roles, because the role of teacher is too comfortable. It's nice being in power, being the one who knows the answers. The students want to either replace the teacher someday, or perhaps enjoy the return to a childlike state of having a mommy or daddy who can tell us the right things to do to be okay.

These patterns and loops that take us through our lives are not going to go away. We recreate the same situations and paradigms over and over again throughout our lives. We can make the argument that not only are we being born and dying every moment, but we are also creating and recreating the same kinds of institutions and interactions over and over again throughout life.

Has anyone truly seen through this, in a way that allows them to transcend it? I've met one person who appears to be somewhat "different" in this regard, but I'm not sure that he's done it either. The problem with this stuff is that you can't know if it's really possible unless you've done it yourself.

The other question is, is it worth it? For me, I'm not sure that the end result would be worth all of the effort. And besides, there are delusions that I honestly would rather hang onto for awhile. For instance, my relationship with my wife. I'd rather stay in delusions and have what we have then let it go and be free. Honestly that's true.

What is the delusion you've chosen to hang onto? Is it okay with you? Is that such a bad thing?

You All Love A Good Train Wreck

2010-07-27T05:33:00.000-07:00

I'm going to probably annoy some people with this post. But what the heck, that's nothing new...

You are all full of shit, y'know that? I say this with a smile, but I mean it. Sort of. Kind of.

Every time I make a post that gets into the whole soap opera, train wreck aspect of Buddhism, people want to reprimand me. People pontificate about the silliness of it all. When I am arguing with Brad or Jundo or a follower of Genpo on my blog, people call me ridiculous, tell me I'm wasting everyone's time.

I see all of these posts begging us to stop the fighting.

"Please, let's go back to sitting," "let's talk about Zen," "Can we discuss important things and stop trashing one another?"

Everyone is calling for peace and love.

But when I actually write posts that don't have controversial, soap opera material, guess what?

Nobody has any interest in them. Now, maybe that's 'cuz I'm not a good enough writer, I don't doubt that plays a part, however small. But still...you should see the difference in the amount of hits my blog got when I posted stuff about Jundo and Treeleaf and we argued in the comments section. Probably double the amount of hits and exponentially more comments were posted.

What does this tell us? These are practicing Buddhists, reading this stuff. Or at least people with an interest in Buddhism. And even the guys--I won't mention any names here--most vocal about telling me to let things go and back off...these same guys disappear when the carnage stops.

Maybe you all have a taste for blood, a bit more so then you care to admit?

Maybe instead of me analyzing all the reasons why I write about this stuff--which I've actually done by the way--you all can try and analyze why you so enjoy pretending you DON'T love this nastiness?

You do love it. You love a good train wreck. All people do. We can't help it. It's why we rubberneck at an accident on the high way, buy tabloid magazines, watch soap operas and reality tv. You think that because you meditate you aren't exactly like all the other folks who want to see blood in the water?

Sorry, don't hate me for telling the truth about the situation. The blog stats don't lie, my friends. If I sat around writing about Buddhism and meditation and peace and love, nobody would give a shit. I wouldn't even give a shit.

I'm just providing you and me exactly what we want here.

Daddy Issues

2010-07-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

People have often questioned my motivations for writing this blog. I think I can give more insight into some of the deeper-seated reasons for why I am drawn to these kinds of situations, for those who are interested in such accounts.

As I've written in other posts, my childhood was a troubled one. My father and mother divorced when I was three, and then I had weekend visits with dad until he moved to Israel when I was around 12. I WORSHIPPED my dad. With all the problems I had at home, I often talked about wanting to live with him, revering him (much to my mother's chagrin).

However, my image of dad was destroyed when he went to Israel and refused to return home, even after I called him and let him know that my nana (his mother) was going to die soon. Nana talked about my dad being gone and that he would never come back. Even though she wasn't yet ill in any obvious way, I sensed that the end was near for her. I called dad and told him that he should return to the U.S. to visit, that it was imperative he do so. I told him that his mother missed him and was probably going to die soon. He made excuses and never came home. The disappointment I felt in him for this was enormous.

Later, when me and my siblings visited dad in Israel over the summer, nana died.

She died with only my mother and stepfather at her side. My mother and nana had a terrible relationship even when mom was still married to my father. How ironic then, that mom was at nana's deathbed, years after being divorced from her son. But nana had nobody else there for her. Mom felt that obligation and did the right thing, and made sure that she did not pass alone. This is my mother's character--she is one of the strongest people I know.

That incident with my nana pulled back the curtain for me. I suddenly saw the unvarnished truth about dad. I saw that he was a very self-centered person who was consumed with his own wants and needs. I was floored by the realization, and remember thinking that if I fell ill, he might not come back for me either.

After that disillusionment at age 12, I began to hate him. I would confront him with his behaviors and he would make excuses, deny things, twist history to suit his own needs. And he was a very persuasive, charming guy. A salesman most of his adult life, he was great at making you believe his side of the story.

Dad never really owned up to his behavior, and years later, he started a new family and then repeated history. Left his two young kids and wife, moving to Brazil. They have grown up without a real role model, still puzzling over who their dad really is. A sidenote is that my dad was also financially quite irresponsible, and has contributed very little to any of our financial needs over the years. The mothers have had to fend for themselves, and luckily, both my mom and my step-mother have done a good job in that respect.

Years later, I probably have the best relationship with dad currently. We talk on the phone often, and I have grown to accept a lot of who he is. Dad is a troubled, wandering soul, who had a very abusive upbringing, and never learned properly how to bond with anyone.

Writing this has made me sad for him, thinking about what he's been through that caused all of that behavior.

And yet...and yet...I feel the need, I suppose, to continue to recreate that moment where I pulled back the curtain and saw him for who he really was. There was some kind of burning fire of truth in that moment of actually seeing him, despite his best efforts not to be seen.

Is it strange, then, that I still to this day have a fascination and perhaps even a compulsion to face down and unmask powerful male authority figures, to show them to the world for who they really are--to make them admit their faults?

I suppose it becomes as obvious and dreary as reading graffiti on the bathroom wall, when viewed in such a perspective.

And yet...again...I will not say that because of my own motivations and history, that there is NO value in what goes on here. These are still important issues for some people. There are those "masters" or "teachers" or whatever you want to call them, who are hurting others because of what they do and how they present themselves to the world. There are real and important questions around these issues of power and authority in religion.

The fact that I am driven by incidents from my childhood does not invalidate what goes on here. Everyone is motivated by something. Everyone has things that haunt them.

Jundo's Follow-Up Comment on His Blog

2010-07-26T06:06:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

I struggled a bit with whether or not to post the latest comment made by Jundo on his blog in the comments section. I have pasted it below, for the record, with no editorializing from me to accompany it. You can also find it by clicking on this link.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jundo said:

Some lessons learned by me:

Never try to convince a man that it is not good to hit people with a baseball bat ... by hitting him with a baseball bat (I speak figuratively ... I would never hit someone with a baseball bat, lest someone take me literally!)

Never try to convince someone not to play with matches in a room filled with gasoline ... by grabbing the matches and lighting them in a room filled with gasoline (oh, you will make the point alright ... but at what cost?)

Never try to show someone who uses foul language and the "n word" etc. why foul language and insults are frowned upon in a Buddhist Sangha ... by using foul language back at him.

Most of all, I have learned that when a fellow on the internet is having troubles and issues in his life, and, by his own confession, using you as a stress reliever for his troubles by going after your Sangha and you with poison pen essays and tirades on his blog ... JUST LET HIM DO IT! As my father from the bronx used to say, "You can call me any name you want, just don't call me late for dinner". Dad also said that there are always people in this life to throw bricks and sticks. All I can say is that I have developed new respect for President Obama, that "secret muslim born in Africa nazi-communist friend of 60's terrorists", for having such a thick skin when the mud throwers and rumor mongers and "quoters out of context" go after him ... with whole tv networks ... day in day out. (Not commenting on politics, just on his personality), that man is NATURALLY ZEN when it comes to things like that!

I need to learn from "Buddha Barack" when the folks at "Wild Fox News" turn their fire his way.

Famous story about Master Hakuin ...

______________
An unmarried girl who lived near Hakuin's temple was found to be pregnant. Her outraged parents demanded to know the father of the baby. The girl wanted to protect her lover, so she accused Hakuin -- by then an old man -- of seducing her.

When the baby was born, the parents confronted Hakuin. They demanded he take care of the child since he was the father. "Is that so?" was all Hakuin said. But he took care of the baby for several months. Then the embarassed girl confessed that the father was a young man in the village. The girl's parents went to Hakuin and asked to have the baby back. Hakuin gave them the baby. "Is that so?" was all he said.
_____________

Me? I would have asked for a blood test.

Gassho, Jundo

Limitations

2010-07-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks everyone for the feedback on the last postings.

I think we've been having some fruitful conversation from these events, and I genuinely appreciate what y'all have been saying, including the critical stuff.

I'd like to continue the train of thought that this whole thing has provoked in me. It ties in a bit to some of the "family issues" I've alluded to previously.

Part of what I've been coming to terms with has been my own limitations in dealing with some very tough issues. My family has come very close to disintegrating from the strain of people who are having severe personal/psychological issues. The intensity of the issues have forced me and others to deal with some heavy stuff without clear answers. There has been disagreement. There has been talk of taking incredibly drastic action.

During the course of it all, I mentally snapped one night. That, among other things, has led me to believe that I have some real limitations around stress and situations that involve people who are not able to fully function or help themselves to get out of a hole.

For some reason, I tend to feel so responsible for nearly everything that goes on around me or in my physical vicinity, that I break down when I cannot solve or "fix" the issue.

I don't think this is something that will ever necessarily change about me. I've worked on it, but I still have it in me. There are some core personality traits that I have, and they are double-edged swords. My anger, my intense feelings of responsibility, tend to bring out some very difficult behaviors when I am put under certain kinds of stress.

At the same time, some things (like therapy and meditation) have borne real fruit for me. I can speak freely and deal with heavy emotional issues within myself, work through heavy shit with others...and I can do it as easily as a marathoner runs a couple of miles.

This is part of what has allowed me to build such a strong relationship with my wife.

I have certain limitations that come from my personality, my DNA. I have hangups that will continue to rear their ugly heads over and over again through my life.

I believe that meditation, therapy, the will to truth, contemplation--these tools can help me to clearly see where I am with my limitations and my attributes. I have been able to embrace a lot of things about myself that I used to find shameful and embarrassing. I am able to work through the bizarre contortions of my mental states, the odd hangups that continually creep in on me now and again.

But it seems that I am always seeking a place of rest where I can be free of the yoke of my own limitations. But these very limitations make me who I am and allow me to be fully human. Fully vulnerable, and fully alive.

It's not always fun, but it's real. I think that this is something I can hang my hat on.

Thoughts on Practice, Anger, Love, and Selling Out

2010-07-24T22:32:00.001-07:00

Some people are already complaining that I sold out by making peace with Jundo and even offering some form of friendship.

Why? I believe it's mainly because they don't want the soap opera to end just yet. The same ones who insist that Brad has bought my silence with a link to my blog from his Hardcore Zen posts. If it were that easy, imagine what I might do for twenty or thirty bucks...

The truth is actually simpler. Have you ever seen two jokers get in a fist-fight and then, after they've completely exhausted themselves punching one another in the head, they hug and laugh and seem like best friends minutes later? I have.

It would be a nice trick to get that same result without having to punch one another in the head until exhausted. Maybe that's part of the point of this meditation stuff, I don't know.

I've always been a very angry person. A miserable kid who was rarely happy, grew into a fairly miserable and angry young adult. I did a lot of meditation/therapy and the like to try and soften those rough edges. After years and years of it all, I still can behave like a real nutcase sometimes. There has been a very difficult family situation for me recently. I was feeling so conflicted about it that I actually snapped one night. Called a family member who'd been causing me some difficultly and literally screamed like an insane person at him. I melted down for about five or ten minutes. It actually wasn't such a bad release, either. But I had to make some serious apologies after the fact, and I will always be known as a hothead because of it. Karma is, in fact, a bitch--but a fair bitch, I think.

About four years ago I fell in love with a woman who has become my wife. Because of this relationship, I've experienced real happiness for the first time in my life. Real happiness, meaning happiness that extends beyond a good meal, a good shit, a nice cup of coffee, an exciting night on the town. Happiness that comes from truly caring about another person, loving that person, and feeling all of it returned and then some.

It has not even remotely cured my anger.

Neither has meditation.

I say all of this because it's a big mystery to me. We need to ask the question: If so many of our enlightened masters behave just like everyone else--what does it say about enlightenment? What does it say about me, or you, or anybody on the street?

I would trade in every piece of spiritual wisdom I've ever gained for the love that I have with my wife. I've often been thinking lately that any spiritual tradition that convinces me to withdraw, hold back, or try to avoid attachment--has entirely missed the fucking point.

Loving someone or something--i don't care if its a dog or a car or a pair of sunglasses--loving that thing until you fear losing it, until the thought of being separated feels like death--that takes real courage.

Losing yourself in fear and anger and heartbreak takes real courage. Feeling loss and pain to my very bones takes courage.

There are no answers here. Someone asked in the comments section what a "true zen master" would have done in this ugly little soap opera we've had here lately. I think a real zen master would not have been afraid to fully immerse himself in it, care about it, become a part of it, with absolutely no hesitation.

I think real courage, real spirituality, means that you are no longer afraid of living, of engaging, and being yourself.

But nothing will make you a perfect, non-violent, non-sexual, non-attached Zen Robot that so many Buddhists are aiming for these days. Nothing. Don't even bother trying for it, because that would be the most boring, unsatisfactory kind of enlightenment you will ever find.

P.S. Upon re-reading, I realize it sounds as if I've just declared myself a zen master or enlightened or something. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am an idiot who rarely even practices meditation these days.

Truce?

2010-07-24T14:19:00.000-07:00

Hi All.

Two commenters, Harry from the Bodhi Armour blog and Nathan from the Dangerous Harvests blog both made very good points in the comments section of the last posting.

And actually, a lot of people made good points, but somehow these two comments really stood out to me.

And the upshot of it all is that I've been baiting Jundo too much and, for lack of a better term, "getting off" on the soap opera aspect of this stuff. What can I say? There is something that gets me very riled up and angry when I feel like an injustice is being done. Even if that injustice seems trivial...

And beyond that, I simply hate it when I feel like someone is pretending to be something they're not, in effect trying to fool people. I could go into a long personal history of why this stuff tends to make me see red. It doesn't really matter.

I think a blog like this can serve a valuable purpose when it exposes corruption or even gives voice to someone who feels that they aren't being heard by the community. But it can easily cross the line and become part of a murky, nasty, mob mentality. Buddhist vigilantism run amok.

And lately, it has certainly veered into a very dark place. I am to blame for quite a bit of that. My lack of self-control, my anger, my need to have excitement and drama, rather than the boring tedium of work or regular life.

I might still have discussed these same points, but I could have taken my foot off the gas a lot sooner than I did, and for that, I apologize. I apologize to Jundo for seeming like I want to ruin him as a teacher when I do not. That is not my intent, despite what it may seem. But my anger and the need to prove my point overtook everything else.

I hope this blog can still serve as a lesson, as a place to air dirty laundry. But not for the sake of wallowing in the stink, but to truly clear the air. Good can come from putting this stuff out in the open. I am a firm believer in that.

But I also need to be held accountable for my behavior and the motivations behind what I'm doing. It's not at all a selfless activity. I have an agenda to. Mainly to entertain myself and others, and to prove my points--as dumb as that may sound.

Please take all of this with a grain of salt--everything said here--by me, Jundo, Harry, Nathan, Brad, all of us. Learn from our mistakes and hopefully we will do better in the future. I know that I will keep trying.

Best,

Aaron

Challenge Back to Jundo

2010-07-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

Hi Jundo. You challenged me to be honorable and post your words in context. I have done so. In the previous post I allowed you to speak for yourself and make your own case, here on my blog.

So now I will make a challenge back to you.

Make a post today on the Treeleaf forums--one of the two main forums that your students engage in--and tell them what has been happening here, and put a link to this site so they can come see it all for themselves.

They will see your words and your case stated HERE, as well as all of the other posts and comments.

Will you be honorable enough to put it all out in the open, Jundo? Or will you make more excuses and try to hide this website from your students?

CONTEXT

2010-07-24T05:35:00.000-07:00

Hi All, Jundo asked that I put up a post that places his words in better context. Please let me know if this helps you figure things out. I'll let the man speak for himself.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Gniz,

I am going to publicly ask you to have the guts to show readers the context of statements, instead of pulling words and half sentences out of conversations to suit your narrative. Do you have the guts to do that, can you look in the shaving mirror in the morning and say you are being honorable? Shame on you. You say:

By the way, Jundo ... you keep demanding I put your words in context for people. Even though all of the comments and discussions are there for people to read through, plain as day.

You say, "readers can read the whole thread and figure out the context for themselves", while you know full well that readers will never make head or tail of the mess that is your comments session. Why don't you just show them how the conversation started?

Would you have the guts to print to print this on the top page of your blog ...

Gniz Wrote

Jundo's posts here illustrate that.

He would never behave that way in his own zendo.

You have thin skin, Gnizzy. Jundo calls you pinocchio, calls brad a pipsqueak, tells Chet that he would not know something "if it bit him on the ass", and the man is an aggressive, foul mouthed psycho killer. You are full of shit, you mother fucking lying piece of shit scumbag (there, that is what "foul mouthed" looks like. In fact, sounds more like something the pipsqueak used to say in his younger days. I was just trying to make a point on the double standard here.)

The point of the other, you should print the full statement that it appeared with and you conveniently left out ...

How do we know we should believe you? Because you say so? Because you claim to be white as snow? I see plenty on this very blog of yours to put your truthfulness (truthiness?) into question. At the very least you have admitted to stretching facts for effect.

So, we are supposed to believe you, an admitted scandal hound and gay lover to Gerald, but not the guy you accuse of having any evil side.

... That is based on confidential information I am privy to. I do not disclose the source because I have ethics.

You only printed everything that came in the middle, not the context. You should not insult the intelligence of your readers by pulling a "FoxNews" trick, pulling things out of conversations in order to fit your agenda. That is rather low, don't you think?

Why don't you print the full statement and context on the top pages of your blog so readers can truly judge for themselves and not be deceived?

Gassho, Jundo

Jundo Censors His Blog Comments

2010-07-23T18:36:00.000-07:00

A new twist in this saga which only gets stranger and stranger.

A troll has been coming on my comments section and demanding that I give "context" to all of the excerpts I am posting. I can't think of many anonymous trolls that write in that particular style and also seem so invested in me giving context to Jundo's statements. But you can do the math.

Why I am writing this new post is that Jundo has now censored a blog comment for his video blog, which mentioned this website.

The comment currently says: Jundo, your comments on the site "---------" are, quite frankly, childish and disturbing.

It used to say "your comments on the site Reblogging Brad Warner, are, quite frankly..."etc.

Jundo clearly doesn't want Treeleafers to come here and see what he has been up to the last few days. Many of them probably have no idea this site even exists, and the ones who do probably know better than to discuss it on Jundo's forums.

I just find it, once again, telling. Jundo, if you really weren't ashamed of your behavior in this space, you would have let the name of my blog stand in your comments section. But you'd much prefer to troll here anonymously while your students remain in the dark about this behavior.

Nobody here is hiding the context. All of the comments, the entire sordid trail is here for all to see. I have deleted nothing, banned no one.

Can you say the same?

More Treeleaf B.S.

2010-07-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

I was not really planning to draw more attention to the "anonymous" comments on my blog from the other day, until I came across Jundo's recent comments on his Treeleaf site.

Here is how the thread in question started. A Treeleaf member asked Jundo:

"How do you do it?
How do you keep so positive?
How do you put up with us here on the forum?
How do you manage to twist everything into a lesson in zen?
How do you do you maintain the energy to keep this sangha alive day after day after day...?
How do you keep coming up with things to talk about in your videos?
How do you make it all seem so easy?
How do you never seem to take a day off?"

And part of Jundo's response was this:

"I even got a bit testy with a guy yesterday, not connected to this Sangha, who accused Taigu and me of running a "police state of faux happy namby pambies" (or something like that), and caught myself about 5 minutes too late on the "Right Speach" side. Oh well ... it is the heat this time of year. As long as we recover our balance quickly, and don't fall into real extremes (like taking a poke at the guy) ... it is okay to wobble some days (on the Zafu and off)"

A bit testy? Caught yourself "5 minutes too late on the Right Speech side?"

How about hours of anonymous trolling where "someone" whose location just happened to originate from Japan made comments like:

"You just don't stop with the double triple standards, cum stain."

Or what about this comment?

"So, we are supposed to believe you, an admitted scandal hound and gay lover to Gerald, but not the guy you accuse of have any evil side.
Oh, sorry that I mentioned that you take it up the butt from Gerald when you get together and you gave him crabs."

I realize that the person from Japan who wrote all of those comments (when virtually nobody else was even on my website) felt bad about it hours later when he/she said:

"You know, I get angry sometimes. Most people do (maybe not the Buddha). I get really angered when I see outrageous situation sometimes. This made me pretty angry. I am damn sarcastic when there is something to be sarcastic about. But that does not mean that someone is an "angry person" who gets angry every day, like you tried to imply. I am sorry that you have some anger thing, as you admit. It does not mean that everyone is.Anyway, we should all do something more constructive."

"It is cowardice to try to use "anonymous" like so many around here. I just wanted to yell at you for some of this, but am just a little gun shy after past experiences of having things twisted ... like a happened a couple of times just these past two days here. Call me a coward, I admit that. Sorry."

All of this occurred in the comments section here.

Part of what I'd asked the Anonymous poster from Japan (whom I dubbed Sensei Treeleaf) to do in the future was to be a little more authentic. I'd even hoped he might try and do it, be a little more honest, not try and whitewash everything.

People can read that comments section and judge for themselves who the anonymous troll really was.

P.S. A more reasonable and honest response from Jundo (to the fawning Treeleafer who asked the original question) would have been to say, "Look man, I'm no different than you or anyone else. Don't put me up on that pedestal. You don't see me day in and day out. I get angry, I get sad. Sometimes I do stuff that I'm embarrassed and ashamed of. I am working at this thing just like you or anyone else, and I mess it up just as often. Don't even get me started on some of the crazy arguments I got into the last few days."

That woulda been honest.

P.P.S. Jundo also has a new "sit along with Jundo" post up where he discusses this, from his view. I have only read the text, have not seen the video. let me know if y'all think he's correctly representing the situation.

Jundo and Genpo are Not One and the Same

2010-07-21T06:06:00.000-07:00

I want to add some clarity here, because my blog has often functioned recently as a flashing neon warning sign about dangerous and abusive cult leaders.

Jundo Cohen is nothing of the sort, from everything I can tell now. In fact, I've often mentioned Treeleaf as a good place to go when new practitioners pop up here and ask zen questions. I wouldn't recommend the site if I thought it was a dangerous place.

At the same time, I can't help myself when I see something occur that seems unfair, I need to give my 2 cents. I did feel like the way Treeleaf handles bannings and suspensions is vague, confusing, and rather based on Jundo and Taigu's personal whims.

This may be their rights as Zen masters and owners/operators of Treeleaf, but it is also my right as owner/operator of this dumb blog--to write about such things if I feel like it.

I've never made a secret of the fact that Jundo's behavior, his self-justification, namby-pamby pollyanna Buddhism annoys me. I find a lot of what he says and does feels passive aggressive and somewhat self-serving.

BUT, on the flip-side, I think Treeleaf has value, especially to beginning practitioners. I admire that Jundo will actually engage with his critics, that he will sometimes admit to making mistakes (even if he qualifies it), and that he really does seem to want to bring people to the table.

Things are not all bad. Jundo and Treeleaf, despite my needling, are NOTHING close to a scam or a harmful place to spend time. And that's a very, very important distinction to make. If Jundo felt or anyone felt that I was trying to equate Treeleaf to Big Mind--hell no.

Where things get murky is that I do believe there could be more problems if Treeleaf continues to expand and change and the membership grows--and Jundo's power along with it.
I do feel that there is room for things to become problematic and that part of having outside input, objective opinion and oversight, is to protect organizations from becoming insular and problematic. Anytime you create your own little bubble and live in it, listening only to the other people in your bubble, you open the door to bad things.

And that is my only real warning, and anything along those lines is probably quite unlikely for Treeleaf and quite a ways off in the future.

The Thread That Signaled The End?

2010-07-20T18:55:00.001-07:00

I believe this was the thread that started the beginning of Chet's ousting from Treeleaf (correct me if I'm wrong).

I like the conversation contained therein, find it to be fairly entertaining actually. Chet does question Jundo's understanding in an aggressive manner. But Jundo takes the first shot, imo.

So maybe this can be one of your rules, Jundo.

#1 Temp ban issued to anyone who questions Jundo's depth of zen wisdom.

I kid, I kid...but really...Chet has been far more aggressive and harsh in other threads. I find it interesting that you locked the thread when you did too. Seemed rather arbitrary.

But you are right, I just like to complain. Unfortunately, you can't ban me from your website for this, so you'll just need to deal with it. ;)

Jundo Boots Another Treeleafer for Speaking Up

2010-07-19T06:09:00.000-07:00

Everyone around these parts is aware of Jundo Cohen (leader of Treeleaf Sangha, sometimes feuding dharma brother of B. Warner). Jundo has frequently come on Hardcore Zen in the comments section and whined about how ill-treated he's been by Gudo and Brad and others, even to the point of posting a bizarre deposition about a fight that took place in Japan some time ago.

Recently, I took a gander over at the Treeleaf site and found this thread.

I believe it's a very telling thread in as far as bringing to light the basic way in which Jundo appears to operate. Behind closed doors, Jundo seems to be a very different guy than what he lets on in public. When called out on this seeming "difference" in his private and public persona, he gets indignant.

The main thrust of the thread, if you don't have the time to read all hundred plus posts, is that one of the students (Chet) at Treeleaf has become unruly to the point where Jundo told him to basically stop engaging on the forum. Later on, it comes out that what really got Jundo hot under the collar was when Chet accused him of never having experienced Kensho.

The final nail in the coffin comes right at the end of the thread, when Chet brings up B. Warner and indicates that maybe Brad and others were telling the truth about Jundo's antics.

Chet appears to then be banned from the forum.

Many will read the exchanges and feel that what Jundo did was fairly reasonable. If you've seen any of Chet's other postings, you might be aware that the guy can be fairly harsh in his dealings with people.

But what stands out to me is Jundo's passive aggressiveness and the consistency of this issue as it comes up again and again. Jundo even posts a private email to Chet where he sounds particularly nasty (probably fearful that Chet would reveal it first). Jundo then seems to intentionally try to mislead people about what the nature of their correspondence really was.

Long ago, Jundo had called on Gudo to empanel a board of directors, stating that it was important for any Zen group to have such a panel, to make sure that Dogen Sangha did not become problematic in how it handled disputes. Jundo claimed in a discussion that he and I had, that he would at some point do the same for Treeleaf (making excuses as to why it wasn't currently necessary in his case).

And yet Jundo never really has done what he called on Brad and Gudo to do. Jundo never set up any oversight for his own community. And Treeleaf is not nearly as open as Brad's community, being fairly heavily moderated.

What does this tell us, in the end, about the nature of Jundo and Brad's dispute? I think the answers become more clear all the time.

Genpo Roshi--I got it the first time!

2010-06-14T17:52:00.001-07:00

Hey All,

Haven't had much reason to blog lately but something just caught my eye. Occasionally I read an online poker forum called TwoPlusTwo and they have message boards that cover all sorts of topics. There was a thread about meditation and a lot of what was discussed in the thread was pretty basic information sharing. But one post said this:

"The definitive video experience for meditation is Genpo Roshi's Big Mind Process

The first time I experienced it, I "got it." Many I've shown it to/taught it to have also had similar experiences."

That sentiment and blatant "misunderstanding" (I put that word in quotes because Genpo encourages it, so it's not really fair to call it a misunderstanding) is exactly why Genpo Roshi and his ridiculous program is so distasteful.

View the original post here
and the entire thread it came from is here. There's actually some really good discussion within, mostly by non-buddhists just batting ideas back and forth.

Email Interview With Current Students of Genpo Roshi, et al

2010-04-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I am putting out a request for those who feel I am either misrepresenting or being unfair to Genpo Roshi, Andrew Cohen, Ken Wilber, and others that I have discussed on this blog.

If you are a follower or student of these teachers, I would like to have an email interview/dialog which I would publish IN FULL and WITHOUT EDITING on this site. If you believe that I have misrepresented or worse, then let's talk and we'll put it up for the world to see.

I am fairly sure that no current students of these teachers will come forward because a)fear of their teacher's reaction b) they realize everything stated is basically accurate.

But hey, I'm an optimist. Let's talk. (as for your identity, we can keep that private if so desired)

You can contact me at: rebloggingbradwarner@gmail.com

More Genpo Scummery

2010-04-30T00:20:00.000-07:00

Gosh but I am pissed off. Brad Warner just posted an article that details some very sad and heartfelt emails from a young man who had the naivete to go to an "extended" retreat with Genpo "moneygrubber" Roshi, and for his troubles got himself a freight train full of psychological trauma to sort through.

An excerpt from his tale. He's talking about some repressed abuse memories and the like which surfaced during the session: "When I was unable to deal with what was coming up for me (this included thinking I was the voice of the devil or emptiness unowned) I asked to speak to a zen teacher I know. He suggested I speak to Genpo Roshi about it, not privately but in the group settings with about 250 people plus camera crew."

Oh yes. These are horrible and confusing inner torments. Just vomit it up in front of a live studio audience so they can enjoy your pain.

The tale concludes with this little gem: "...the retreat left me feeling pretty shocked, like I had taken an acid trip and very fearful of touching it again. My thoughts were wholly suicidal and I was glad to have my girlfriend and someone to talk to when I got back."

Obviously not every person or probably even many people will have such a harrowing experience when going on a retreat with Genpo "the moneygrubber" Roshi. But it should be clear to you that this man does not care about you at all, which is no surprise when you realize that he rubs elbows with Andrew Cohen and his ilk. This man is spiritual poison, as are the other frauds he runs with.

There are a lot of mentally fragile people that get involved with spirituality, for obvious reasons. These folks should not be leeched off, sucked dry by those who want to only further their power and grandiosity. It is so important that people in the Buddhist community speak out about frauds like Genpo that use the name of Zen to peddle their toxins.

This post might not make a lot of sense right now, but screw it. These guys don't deserve calm and reasoned logic. I've built a case that anybody could read through, follow the links to the words of people who've lived and breathed it for years. If you want the truth about scum like Andrew Cohen and Genpo Roshi, you can simply do a google search and read up on 'em.

Got Jargon?

2010-04-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

Below is a quote from Diane "Musho" Hamilton, yet another Ken Wilber/Andrew Cohen/Genpo Roshi acolyte trying to make cash off of rich yuppie seekers (with Integral Zen of course!). This was taken from a Buddhist Geeks Interview. Anytime someone uses this much jargon, be very, very suspicious.

Diane Hamilton: ...Because all of our lives in this global time, in this very massively multicultural milieu that we live in, we’re all integral; we’re all borrowing from traditions and participating in different aspects of practice, we’re all informed by science, we’ve all been affected by postmodern critique, we look at culture, feminism matters to us, we care about the environment, we’re all integral. Really.

So for me the inspiration was really to practice Zen in a context, or in a sangha if you will, a community of people who were informed integrally. In a way the inspiration really came from just wanting simply to give the people in the integral world a place to practice where they could relate to each other. And then what’s coming out of that is just some of these deeper questions that integral brings to spiritual practice, like, really, what does modernism and science have to say about spiritual practice?

P.S. Diane Hamilton is now working with Marc Gafni, a disgraced rabbi accused of having sex with students.

Still here just...

2010-04-10T19:47:00.000-07:00

Nothing much to say right now...I'll write again when i do.

Hope everyone in blogland is well.

A little Buddhist Meditation on Death

2010-03-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

"I know it is coming, and I do not fear it, because I believe there is nothing on the other side of death to fear...I was perfectly content before I was born, and I think of death as the same state. What I am grateful for is the gift of intelligence, and for life, love, wonder, and laughter...My lifetime's memories are what I have brought home from the trip. I will require them for eternity no more than that little souvenir of the Eiffel Tower I brought home from Paris."

Who wrote this? A Buddhist?

No, Roger Ebert. An atheist. Which goes to show that you can be a better Buddhist as an atheist sometimes. If you want to be moved and inspired, check out this article:

Article about Roger Ebert, his illness and his life

Cautions about Meditation and "Brainwashing" Revisited

2010-03-15T09:00:00.001-07:00

My last post was written in a kind of sensationalistic style, regarding my concerns that many cults use various forms of "meditation" in their indoctrination methods.

I want to clarify some of what I was trying to say in that last piece, as a few people accused me of getting "paranoid" and needing to break out my tinfoil hat.

In trying to be clearer, I'm going to be making some assumptions about meditation that may in fact prove to be untrue as science understands more about what exactly meditation does and does not do.

First, I think it's clear the meditation can relax our bodies, our muscles, etc. At times it has the potential to also lower awareness (notice I am not saying all of the time). We are not often in that "balanced state" of perfect alertness mixed with relaxation. Often, when sitting zazen or doing insight meditation, we may be starting to nod off and go into periods of REM sleep, dozing.

We may even have auditory and visual hallucinations when sitting for extremely long periods of time on retreat.

It's important to understand that meditation is a constantly changing process, and as such, our brain is going to be in varying states throughout. At times, the act of meditation could lead us to being in a more receptive, less intellectually critical mindstate.

In fact, a lot of teachers will tell us that this is EXACTLY where meditation leads. They won't say that it's a less intellectually critical mindstate, they'll call it "being free of opinions" or "emptying your cup" or "thinking non-thinking."

Let's be clear. I'm not implying that being free of the continuous machinations of the intellect is a bad thing, because it's actually quite nice at times. But there are some dangers involved. The first is that people who are overly ambitious will strive to cultivate being in this "balanced state" at all times, and may actually create a scenario where they are less mentally aware and less in touch with reality as opposed to more in touch with it.

Our mind can do funny things while meditating, and we can have confusing experiences. Brad has related a story in one of his books (or his blog) where he saw the creation of the universe--the big bang. When he brought this tale to Nishijima, Gudo told him to just forget it. No big deal. Brad has stated how lucky he is to have had a teacher that didn't emphasize these so-called "special states" or weird phenomena.

But doesn't that open a can of worms? What if Nishijima, in that critical moment, had told Brad that he was now a perfect enlightened master? In his open, receptive state might he have believed him?

There are some dangers with spirituality and meditation. People should be aware that you are playing games with your own perceptions, with reality, with your mind. To varying degrees you may become more likely to take on new beliefs in a state where you are either less aware and discerning, or perhaps just confused by a new experience that you can't process on your own.

It's not meditation that is the problem, in other words, but what we use to EXPLAIN the kinds of things that happen to us while meditating and experiencing life from that perspective.

It may be innocuous stuff such as, "I am everything and everything is me."

"The whole world just is."

These kinds of statements and concepts attach to experiences that we have during meditation and allow us to construct whole new belief systems around those experiences.

I'm not saying any of this can or should be avoided. But perhaps it would be good to be aware of these possibilities.

For myself, I'd almost rather just sit and meditate and put absolutely NO descriptions, religious connotations or other mental constructs onto what it is that happens in these times. But alas, that just doesn't seem realistic.

;)

Caution: Meditation May Lead to Brainwashing

2010-03-13T22:14:00.000-08:00

I've been reading up on Byron Katie recently. She does this thing called The Work which a lot of people liken to Cognitive Therapy with a dash of some other spiritual gobbledygook.

Essentially, she uses linguistics and word games (kind of like koans) to remove the sense of normal, consensus reality from beneath your feet. For instance, if you say that your father is critical of you, you would then ask four questions about this statement.

Is it true? (Is your father critical of you?)

Can you absolutely know that it's true? (Can you absolutely know your father is critical of you?)

How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? (How do you react when you think your father is being critical?)

Who would you be without the thought? (Who would you be without this "story" that your father is critical of you?)

And then you perform what is called a "turnaround." Statements can be turned around in three ways: to their opposite, to the other and to the self.

So you would change the statement from "My father is critical of me" to "My father isn't critical of me", and then you would change it to "I'm critical of my father" and lastly you would change it to "I am critical of myself"

There is a lot of appeal with things like The Work and also, I might add, to things like Buddhist Koans or other methods for playing with reality.

But the dark side of this kind of activity is that it takes away the grounding we normally have, leaving us vulnerable to be "re-grounded" as it were, to something else entirely. I might add that this might leave us vulnerable to being indoctrinated into cults, into relationships with guru's, with spiritual masters, with authority figures, etc.

These are "mind softening" techniques, for lack of a better term. It's become troubling to me, as I've read more about mind control and indoctrination techniques, just how much basic meditation techniques such as relaxation, eye gazing, breathing and so forth, can actually be used to make people susceptible to mind control.

The facts behind this assertion are rather troubling. Almost all cults use forms of meditation such as chanting, mantras, visualization, breathing, guru devotion, etc. This goes from the speaking in tongues at churches in rural Southern America to the guru devotion that is more typical in an ashram in India.

I don't believe that the teachers and participants are always aware that this is what is happening. But once the ground of reality has been shed, I would argue that the mind looks for new purchase which can be found in a brand new set of beliefs.

When I look at so many Buddhists and see this parroting of all kinds of inane dogma from Dogen or Nargajuna or whoever the master of the week is, I wonder...is this simply the result of people that inadvertently softened their own minds through koans, meditation, visualizations, fasting, yoga, breathing techniques, contact with a guru?

I am sorry if this is painful for some. In fact, it's been painful for me. As much as I wish to believe that my own guru/teacher did not do anything like this, and that my own relationship to meditation is not simply "brain softening," I've had enough doubts over the years...as well as experience with joining back up with consensus reality to believe that perhaps this is so.

The reason i started this post with the work of Byron Katie is because most readers here won't have any allegiance to her methodology. However, I bet you would have a hard time questioning your own spiritual dogma and practice the way you might question things like The Work.

It's difficult, because although I believe there is a place for spiritual practice and meditation, I am increasingly convinced that it is mostly used incorrectly and to great harm for many, many people. That rather than releasing views of reality, people simply switch to a new model of reality without understanding that they have done so. Without understanding that our psyche and the way we are wired makes us vulnerable to this kind of conditioning.

I will write more in a future article.

Help Stop Guru-Talk's Dirty Scheming

2010-03-12T08:09:00.001-08:00

If anyone could help, I've been talking with William Yenner of American Guru about what we can do to alert Google to the Guru-Talk website being set up to steal traffic from William's site.

If anyone reading this is more familiar with these situations and how (or if) we can get Google to respond to the matter, please either post a comment here or contact me at rebloggingbradwarner@gmail.com.

Andrew Cohen's Underhanded Web Tactics Revealed!

2010-03-11T08:41:00.001-08:00

I recently found a very disturbing situation that has been described in detail over on the Rick Ross cult education forum.

Some background: what the Rick Ross forum poster discusses below, is an attempt by Andrew Cohen to use lies and underhanded tactics in order to keep people away from William Yenner's website and a scathing book he wrote about Andrew Cohen, called American Guru.

I am going to repost the bulk of this piece (see below) because they did such a thorough job with this revealing look at the machinations of Andrew Cohen's minions (the creators of Guru-Talk). Also, keep in mind that Genpo Roshi of Big Mind is heavily involved with Cohen as I detailed in a previous blog post.

I urge you to try the simple web experiment (given below) for yourself.

REPOSTED FROM RICK ROSS FORUM

Here's simple-minded proof: open two browsers; point one to [www.guru-talk.com] and point the other to [www.guru-talk.com]

What you are looking at is a concerted effort by guru-talk.com to intercept search engine queries for "american guru" "william yenner" - look at the effort they went through by posting the exact same content but interspersing the term "american guru" everywhere they could and tagging articles with "William Yenner" when they seemingly have
nothing to do with him. Kind of creepy, don't you think?

Tuesday, 05 January, 2010[/quote][/quote]

This is indeed an attempt to manipulate PageRank and screw up people's searches. It's partially worked, too; depending of the search terms you enter, the guru-talk site sometimes appears above Yenner's site in search results, but fortunately not above all Yenner search results.

A quick whois.com search shows that Elytra Design, whose administrative contact is Andrea Hurley, owns the guru-talk site. According to Ms. Hurley's biography on Gaia:

"Hello! My name is Andrea Hurley, and I have been a student of Spiritual Teacher, Andrew Cohen since 1988, and currently help to manage the EnlightenNext Center in Cambridge."

To really see how blatant the rip-off of Yenner's site is, try this experiment: open 2 browsers and click:

[americanguru.net]
[www.guru-talk.com]

If you use tabs, both of your tabs will say "American Guru". The one for "guru-talk" does not say "Guru Talk". Among other signs of manipulation, the stack of tags on guru-talk is 4 inches thick.

Google frowns on Hurley's kind of sleazy manipulation of PageRank and penalizes sites that think the can get away with it. I hope Bill Yenner will contact them directly, if he hasn't already.

(EDIT #1 BY GNIZ:) Also note that Guru-Talk, at least on its face, claims to have little affiliation with EnlightenNext or Andrew Cohen. In the "About Guru-Talk" page, they say "Guru Talk is an article site written by former close students of contemporary spiritual teacher and “American Guru” Andrew Cohen." However, the above research on Guru-Talk's site owner shows that it is actually a flimsy front for Cohen's organization.

(EDIT #2 BY GNIZ:) This isn't the first time Cohen and his ilk have attempted to use sleazy web-attacks to confuse people. Back in 2005 when a group of former students started the What Enlightenment??! blog to address his abuses, Cohen's clan started What Enlightenment Uncensored as a response.

The TMZ of Buddhism

2010-03-08T08:16:00.001-08:00

A few days back when the most recent dramatic episode of As The Sangha Turns was getting its highest ratings, I asked Brad to talk a little bit about why people are so drawn to these kinds of train wrecks. He shot off a quick post but I thought I'd discuss it a tad further on my own blog.

I can see it firsthand when I check the stats on my blog. The days where there are flamewars or some kind of personal scandal going on get sometimes three, four, five times the amount of hits as a day where we just discuss some practical aspect of meditation.

I'm no different than anybody else. When stuff goes down in DSI like it did last week, I'm as intrigued as everyone else to see what happens next.

And it seems that a lot of people have a similar reaction to mine.

The really entertaining people are the ones who get all self-righteous and comment about how "boring" these tawdry episodes are, that everyone's wasting their time, that we should be sitting instead. And yet these same people are drawn, like moths to a flame, exactly the way everyone else is! Only they sit there and judge us, pretending to be somehow above the fray.

But this still doesn't answer the question: WHY.

Why are we so obsessed with these zen soap operas?

And think about real soap operas, like General Hospital, As The World Turns, or whatever program there is in your country/region. We've produced fictional television shows whose sole function is to recreate petty interpersonal turmoil for our viewing pleasure! Look at how much television and newspapers and magazines are little more than conduits for gossip. Even the local news is little more than this; stories about small-time corruption with city workers, the most recent fire, a traffic accident.

Because people are so often hurt and pained by the kinds of interpersonal disputes that we saw with Jundo and Brad et al, it's difficult to admit how much we actually enjoy it all. We try and tell ourselves that we don't really care that much, that it's a waste of time, or that we're simply defending our teacher, etc etc. But the truth of the matter is that all of us feed the beast, all of us play into these rats nests of problems and scandals.

We can't get enough of it. We need more of it. This is excitement, isn't it? Life can be dull, boring, so much of it can feel repetitive. But these scandals tend to wake us from our dream and engage us in something that captivates our attention, much like a good movie will do. And, better yet, with blogs we can become participants in the movie!

I'm not proud of the fact that I seem so drawn to these kinds of events. But I won't castigate myself for it, either. It seems like a common trait that many of us share. Even if it remains a mystery, as to its real purpose. I can only assume there is one.

This Made Me Happy

2010-03-07T11:44:00.000-08:00

Left as a comment on this post:

"Thank you for this blog. I was on a call between Saniel Bonder and "Awareness Network". I left a group some 20 years ago with three "enlightened" sages that played these types of games. I am glad I read your site before falling into this wonderful trap...Thanks"

Thank you. That comment made my day.

And since you've inspired me, I took a quick look at Saniel Bonder's site and came across an interesting page. Look at these prices to spend one or two days with Saniel and his wife. Nearly one thousand dollars for just ONE DAY--and $2,300 for three days with them!

Talk about maximizing your profit. But think of it this way, they probably don't get all that many customers. Better milk the ones you've got for all their worth!

Bullshit Moralizing in Zen Culture

2010-03-05T07:17:00.000-08:00

A disclaimer: I am not particularly angry upon writing this piece, even if I may in fact sound angry.

I can't tell you how many times in the last few years I've come across some namby-pamby, passive-aggressive Buddhist spouting off about the precepts and "right speech."

The big thing going around recently is goody-two shoes Buddhists talking about how Dogen Sangha doesn't place enough emphasis on the precepts, and that's why there's so much arguing and nastiness at HZ. This is a fallacy for multiple reasons (an obvious one being that most who comment on HZ aren't even part of DSI). But there are deeper fallacies at work here, also.

First of all, there is no empirical evidence at this time that equates superior moral character with adherence to a religious code. For the more simple among you, this means that your focus on the precepts does not make you better than anybody else. It doesn't even mean you will behave in a more ethical way than the next person who wouldn't know a precept if it bit him on the ass.

You can do the research if you want, the studies are out there on the net.

See, this other moral code called the 10 commandments also hasn't made people behave any better over the last few thousand years. In fact, I'd say the success rate of the Ten Commandments is pretty abysmal. There's been all kinds of wars and killing and rapes and thievery by Christians, Buddhists, and just about any other group of humans you could name.

If trying to adhere to a strict moral code such as the precepts makes you feel better, great. I'm not going to tell you to stop adhering to them. But this insistence on the value of precepts is actually rather silly, in my opinion. I've been saying this for years. We've got plenty of examples of why and how the precepts simply don't work. In fact, on the whole they clearly don't make a bit of difference.

Morality and ethics are more a function of community than they are of religion. A list taped to your wall isn't going to make you a better person.

If you need a set of rules to keep you from acting like an asshole than what does that really say about you? You need a rule to tell you not to fuck your best friend's wife, not to get so drunk that you fall down and break your leg, not to stand up at Thanksgiving and call your mother a bitch?

Maybe you do need a list.

But just because you feel better about yourself and your little crib sheet, don't try to pin that garbage on me. Or anyone else. This post of mine may seem like the very thing the precepts are meant to prevent (aka "wrong" speech). But the precepts don't have anything to do with how I'm writing this piece. I have everything to do with it. I might just be an incurable asshole.

Religious moralizing breeds arrogance. People that are very religious believe that they are somehow behaving better than everyone else, even though there is absolutely NO EVIDENCE to show that religious folk on average behave better than non-religious. Of course, these passive-aggressive Buddhists would never dare to really say they are better than you in so many words. They say it by tut-tutting your behavior, sadly disapproving of your language, talking about how "sad" it is that you aren't following "the code."

And yet, when we strip away the facade, all people are mostly the same. Some are surely nicer and more well-behaved than others, but it has NOTHING to do with the moral code they've chosen to tape to their wall.

I believe meditation has functionality. I believe that ritual and community serve a function as well, even though I choose not to participate in most of it. But don't try and tell me that they actually make anybody behave better.

P.S. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Buddhist in any lineage.

Meditation Won't Make You a Nicer Person

2010-03-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

I think the handwriting might be on the wall, folks. I don't think being a Buddhist or meditating for thirty years straight will make us behave better than anybody else. Why do I say this? Well, there's a lot of anecdotal evidence to back me up.

Yes, I'm using recent events as a jumping off point, but let's not forget all of the scandals that exist in most of the Buddhist lineages. There really is no evidence to point to that Buddhists are any more moral, kind, or well-behaved than anybody else.

And let's also remember that well-behaved doesn't mean you're a nice person underneath.

I think there's clear evidence that meditation can improve our health, our general well-being, help us to function at a higher level (sometimes). It can help us focus, pay attention, it may help us relax at times (other times it doesn't for some reason).

But expecting Buddhists to behave better than Catholics or better than non-Buddhists is just silly, and clearly it's not the case. Why should it be, really? Let's just say that the practice of Zen makes us happier. Well, is it true that only unhappy people are assholes, act immorally, etc? Is everyone involved in war or criminal activities an "unhappy" person? I don't believe so. Not at all.

Morality has nothing to do with happiness.

Although I will agree that I tend to be nastier when I'm feeling unhappy and down, I'm not necessarily a model person when things are going well for me, either.

So my point is, there's almost nothing Zen or any kind of meditation can do to make us better people. Yes, you'll get practitioners TALKING about how much nicer, kinder, more tolerant they've become. But I'm not sure I buy it. Listen to Born Again Christians sometime. They'll tell you that Jesus did the same thing for them. Made them better, changed them.

And yet, from my POV, so many of these religious true-believers are just deluding themselves about how nice they've become, how compassionate they are, etc.

I think, for most of us, our genetics and our environment play a large role in what kind of person we will become. Can we affect change on this through meditation? Clearly, we can effect some change. But the underlying personality structure seems to remain, from what I can tell. It's not necessarily a bad thing...but we might just need to recalibrate our expectations about meditation and what it can and cannot achieve.

As much as we WISH to believe things like "enlightenment" and what that will bring, or being changed into more compassionate, tolerant people, or becoming more "moral", so far the evidence does not really support any of this. Maybe, one day, it will. I highly doubt it, but perhaps I'm wrong.

But meditation does have value. Sanghas clearly have value. These things can enrich our lives, give us history and community, improve our health, allow us to function more as ourselves.

Unfortunately, we might just be higher functioning assholes.

Why I'm Going to Let Jundo Comment Here

2010-03-03T07:52:00.001-08:00

Here's the deal.

When I first started "Reblogging Brad Warner", I had some discussions with Brad about my being linked to from the Hardcore Zen blog, and he was really cool about it, got the humor, etc. The only concern Brad really had at that time was that Jundo might use either his blog or my blog as a platform for discussing "the incident." This was a couple of months back and "the incident" had not made it's way into public forums, aside from a few hints here and there.

Brad didn't care if Jundo talked about it on Treeleaf. At the same time, Brad just didn't see why he should allow Jundo to grandstand in the HZ space. And in fact, Brad sent me that same piece (that he just recently posted publicly) to show me his thoughts on the subject.

At that time, Brad requested that I keep the information private, which of course I did. But since now Brad's made a public post of the exact same information, I don't see why I shouldn't discuss it as well. Everything's out in the open, pretty much.

Brad also mentioned some other nasty situations that had sprung up out of the crazy comments section on HZ and how Brad had been ambivalent about the whole thing for some time (it wasn't just the Jundo stuff that made him turn comments off).

Anyway, as most of you know, Brad eventually linked to my blog and so Reblogging Brad Warner served as the comments section for a time. It seemed that the break from the insanity and the fact that some of the trolling died out when things moved over here, led Brad to regather his enthusiasm for starting his comments up again.

Brad restarted his comments section and for a short time, everything was fine.

Until it wasn't.

Just recently HZ had that giant flame war the other day that culminated in Harry and Jundo basically telling one another to "bring it on" and "put up or shut up," etc.

Jundo posted his deposition and all the gory details about "the incident" and Brad began moderating his blog in response to it all. Brad contacted me via email and asked if I might consider moderating his blog for a time, and I said I would consider it. He told me he wasn't necessarily going to censor Jundo, but he didn't want to give him that platform for saying certain things, etc. I find it reasonable as I don't see why Brad should give free reign to someone who is basically hurting people close to Brad with what he is writing (from Brad's POV).

I told Brad I'd be willing to moderate, but had some questions because I might not do exactly what he wanted me to do, plus I have my own blog that's unmoderated. We didn't get a chance to discuss it further. This is why I was trying to be careful the last couple of days and try to tone things down on Reblogging BW. I wanted to wait and see what came of further discussions.

However, once Brad posted his lengthy account of things and allowed all of those comments, but then Jundo was kept out of the mix, I started to feel a little differently. I can understand if Brad wants to handle it that way, but I'm not Brad and I don't have to do the same.

I don't agree with Jundo on most of this. I don't particularly believe that his view of events is accurate (though it might be more accurate than I'm giving credit for). I think Brad has generally handled this better and more diplomatically than Jundo has. However, I think that when I read through the comments on HZ, Jundo's side of things is now missing.

And so I don't mind letting him write stuff here about it if he so chooses.

Hopefully Brad won't be upset at what I've written here because I don't think it paints him in a bad light at all. The fact that he might let a troll like me moderate his blog speaks pretty highly of his trust in other people.

In any case, I haven't gotten a chance to discuss with him what he feels about me letting this place be a forum for open discussion, but I don't want to censor things here if there are other places where everyone is already talking about all of it anyway.

So that's why I'm saying, go ahead and post whatever the hell you want. I won't stop you unless it gets WAY out of line. I still would ask that you refrain from posting any revealing stuff about another person, as that crosses the line in my book.

This site might now be the only place where both sides can actually discuss these matters, since most HZ folks don't go to Treeleaf. There is also a thread on Treeleaf where you can follow the discussion.

EDIT: BW seems to be unmoderating comments again at HZ! Haha. Good. Makes this post of mine kind of irrelevant but whatever. I'll let it stand.

Regarding "The Incident"

2010-03-02T09:39:00.000-08:00

Let's not have anymore discussion about it. Yes, I'm aware that Brad made another post to his blog. Yes, I also am aware that he's moderating comments so people are going to come here instead.

Regardless, I think we should let it drop for now. I'm a bit up in the air on how to handle this stuff myself, and so I ask that we refrain from digging at the wound for at least a few days. 'Kay?

Okay then.

Steve Pavlina Wants to Steal Your Ego

2010-02-26T04:25:00.000-08:00

Just kidding. Steve Pavlina does NOT want to steal your ego. He wants you to build a stronger ego.

Steve Pavlina is one of these "personal growth" guys and I think he may have even hawked Holosync for a bit. Not sure, so don't quote me on that.

The thing is, as much as he says a lot of stuff that I find to be ridiculous, he also makes some points that I kind of agree with. He may go way overboard with the idea that we create our own realities and so forth, but I think he also might have figured out a few things on the material level that can be useful. So I often read his blog for kicks.

The article about building a stronger ego is interesting because it definitely makes a bit of an attack on Eastern religion and some of what he says may push a few buttons in the Brad Warner/Hardcore Zen circles.

For instance, this is part of what Steve Pavlina says is wrong with eastern spiritual types: "But most people who claim to pursue this path have mixed feelings about it, so they hold themselves in a state of limbo. They can’t get themselves to progress on the ego-empowering path, so they don’t take strong steps to advance in their careers or make much more money — that would be too ego-based for their spiritual beliefs. On the other hand, they can’t get themselves to relinquish all attachment to their identities and their stuff, so they strive to get by with a sense of minimalism. But they’re never really satisfied living in this halfway space, so quite often their “spiritual practice” devolves into attacking others they believe are more ego-based than they are. It temporarily makes them feel better about themselves."

I hate to say it, but I think this is a fairly accurate picture of a large portion of the Western Buddhist landscape. At the same time, it's not wholly accurate and paints with a wide and unflattering brush. Maybe it's just me, but I spent a few years trying to live a very minimalistic lifestyle and at the same time I was striving hard for "enlightenment." I tried to act the part for awhile, but it wasn't very real. I did spend a lot of time running away from my real, worldly ambitions and not admitting that there were plenty of things I was attached to and angry about and meditation wasn't changing any of that even one bit.

Steve goes on to say: "From what I’ve observed in those who attempt it, it just doesn’t work. It leads to long-term stagnation. You can find whole communities of bloggers like this, and they seem to spend much of their time writing posts that express frustration and judgment at everything they dislike about the world."

Does that sound familiar to anybody else? Just go through the comments section over at Hardcore Zen and you can see these people (and I'm one of them sometimes) chopping away at Brad because he's not "Zen" enough, etc. And isn't it true that we look with suspicion and disdain at people like Pavlina and Tony Robbins and other New Agey personal growth types? I know I do. And yet in many ways these guys are far more honest and up front about what they do then many so-called Buddhist teachers.

And one of Steve's final points about the dangers inherent in weakening the ego is an excellent one, I think. He says: "Part of the reason ego-less living has so many people pushing it is that it’s a control strategy. People with strong egos are harder to control. If a religious leader wants to be surrounded by a bunch of loyal followers, it’s much easier to do that while encouraging all the followers to shed their egos. Then standing up to the leader can be called out as an act of ego and therefore something that the culture itself will repress, thereby keeping the leader in charge."

Isn't that fairly accurate? Would groups like Andrew Cohen exist if he hadn't convinced his followers that they needed a weaker ego, that they should submit to his will? Sure, there are plenty of cults that don't use the "weakened ego" method, but at least some cults would not be able to survive without this methodology. I think it's a really interesting point and something for Buddhists to think about.

I personally am no longer concerned with my "ego." I don't really think about getting rid of it, or attaining oneness or enlightenment or any of that. I try to practice and see what happens. That feels like it's working a lot better for me, personally, and is healthier than what I was doing in the past.

PS Comments in this post are back, without moderation (although the old posts still are moderated for now). I'd appreciate if the comments were kept on topic to this posting though, for obvious reasons.

Previous Post Taken Down

2010-02-25T07:05:00.001-08:00

Hi All,

I like to try and be as transparent as possible with this blog. I took down the last post and the comments because one particular person began discussing personal details about an individual that did not ask for such things to be revealed.

I wish I had acted sooner, actually, but sometimes I don't pay as much attention to these things as I should.

I'm also moderating comments on this current post, so although I will publish your comments, I won't post anything that dredges up personal/private information about other people.

As a final note, I think we sometimes forget that these are real people we're talking about here. Brad, Jundo, Kobutsu, even Ken Wilber and Genpo. This goes for me doubly. It's important to try and keep in mind that what we say on the web does actually affect others, and especially because on the web everything survives pretty much indefinitely in some form or another.

The R Word

2010-02-23T07:28:00.000-08:00

I was browsing Treeleaf just recently (it's a Cybersangha!) when I came across a very interesting and lively discussion about ending the use of the "R Word." The r word in this case is "retard."

It's a really neat discussion that goes places you wouldn't expect from the outset.

My initial reaction to this notion of discouraging use of the word "retard" (in an insulting way) was the same as many others--it seems rather absurd on the face of it. Most people who genuinely dislike or have a lack of respect for those with disabilities are not the kinds of people who really give a shit about political correctness in the first place.

At the same time, it's interesting to tackle an issue where I don't have much initial sympathy, because there are issues that I DO think are very important (such as gay rights) where others just can't be bothered to care. So it's maybe interesting to look at the "r-word" issue from this perspective.

My general take on these kinds of issues, whether it be gay rights, racial discrimination, or women's equality, is that without very staunch supporters fighting like hell, there would never be progress at all. So I have to take my hat off to people like Alan from Treeleaf who are willing to get out in the world and fight for rights and progress that are important to him and a larger group of people.

I personally don't get out and protest, I'm very uninvolved. At times in the past I didn't vote even when I cared deeply about issues, because I felt like it made no difference. The thing is, it does. I just don't want to do the hard work that others are doing to make a difference.

So I have to respect it. We need annoying self-righteous people who will argue and pester and rankle us--make us reexamine our thinking and actions. It's too easy to be dismissive of issues because the people that are bringing the issues up might be annoying or caustic. They are behaving that way because they care so deeply about this subject that they can't understand why we don't.

We need these people or else nothing would ever happen. At the same time, if everyone were riled up and self-righteous about their issue, then the world would quickly devolve into madness. We also need people who are less prone to anger and fighting and arguing, people who might be less quick to act or react.

This is how progress happens, and it's always slower than we'd like it to be. But I think that it's an organic process that isn't perfect--it just is what it is. Maybe I'm wearing rose colored glasses at the moment, but I think it's kind of beautiful the way social change happens with humans. it's not always pretty, in fact it can be downright horrible--but you have to admire the unstoppable force of the human spirit over time.

CyberEverything

2010-02-22T13:24:00.000-08:00

I was reading Brad's latest post and comments section where I was once again treated to the usual circular discussion about cybersanghas and whether or not they're worth a damn.

Brad seems to be of the opinion that zen in cyberspace is an oxymoron. He says you cannot have dokusan via skype. You cannot really teach over the web, and that what he does on his blog is therefore not really teaching. That's just my summary and maybe I'm getting it wrong.

I've discussed this before also, another thing I'll probably change my mind about it five years time.

Basically, I think that there is A LOT you can't tell about a person until you meet them. In this way, I agree with Brad. For instance, I've gotten on the phone with someone whom I've only been chatting with via email previously, and once I hear the cadence of their voice and the way they express themselves, I just think, "Shit this person is a nutcase. like, certifiably nuts. get me outta here."

And even further, I did some online dating at one point and meeting up in person changed things so dramatically from online chatting or phone convo's. There's just no comparison to all of the things that come across when you're in someone's physical proximity and taking in the huge amount of sensory input.

Yet, I had only spoken on the phone with my teacher a bunch of times before deciding to fly to California to meet him in person. And those talks on the phone were hugely helpful. Meeting him in person upped the ante quite a bit and definitely brought a different aspect of who he was into the equation.

But that's not to say the phonecalls didn't help. i think, as usual, Brad's being too simplistic while making a very valid point.

We can go too far off the reservation just sitting in front of our computers and interacting in these virtual environments where nothing is risked, no real danger or physical presence or immediacy can ever occur. This changes the nature of our experience with one another. It just can't ever be the same as face to face contact.

But I do think that there's something to be gained and something useful when speaking or communicating with a teacher, a potential partner, whatever it might be--via the web. It's not useless, it's just not as useful as meeting someone in person.

Those who say it's NO DIFFERENT, or basically equal to person to person contact--I strongly disagree. A web meeting or a skype meeting is not equivalent to face to face contact, and its a lot worse with a spiritual teacher, because there is a lot that's communicated through body language, smell and sight and visual experience. And the immediacy of a good teacher's presence is quite different, I think.

This seems to contradict some of what i've said in the past about teachers being unnecessary. But they aren't necessary, really. On the same hand, if you do find a good teacher, I think meeting them in person really does change the equation and make things a lot clearer, potentially.

What's the Right Way To Meditate?

2010-02-16T13:44:00.000-08:00

That has got to be one of the oldest (and newest) questions in the book.

Although I haven't spent loads of times in Buddhist meditation classes, I've spent just enough to see how often that question arises. And on blogs of teachers, or in videos as well. Students keep asking, how do I know if I'm doing it right?

Over the years I've asked my teacher the same thing phrased a million different ways. This was brought to mind when reading some of the comments over on Hardcore Zen just a moment ago.

People were discussing WBS (What Buddha Said) and WBM (What Buddha Meant). You can make your own variations of this, such as: WDRM (What Dogen Really Meant)....

So what is the "right way" to meditate and how come everyone else seems to know it but you? Well...I kind of think it's good that I still question it. To this very day, this very moment--I just did my practice a few minutes ago--I still have that very same thought.

It's funny that Buddhists throw around terms like "beginner's mind", but then we find we don't REALLY want everything that comes with beginner's mind...such as doubt. Doubting whether we really know anything at all.

Sometimes I feel like I have it all worked out. Usually because life is busy cooperating with me. Other times, I feel like a dunce. The truth may be somewhere in between.

But having tried various brands and forms of meditation, I can't say I see any huge differences amongst them that are irreconcilable, which makes the arguing and denouncing which can go on between factions somewhat absurd.

The way to know if you're doing it right? Probably a good bet is if you aren't getting as upset when others say you're doing it wrong.

Brad Waz Right All Along!

2010-02-15T12:34:00.000-08:00

I think I may need to issue a small mea culpa to Brad Warner. Back when I read Zen Wrapped In Karma, I gave him a pretty hard time on his blog for basically being full of shit about his life and his practice. One of my big points of contention at the time was that a "real" Zen Master would have relationships with friends and family that were more stable and positive.

In fact, I said that a lot over the years. My basic belief was that someone who really tackles meditation should learn enough to avoid traditional pitfalls and have very healthy family and romantic relationships as a result. This was one way of "measuring" progress. Or at least seeing where one might have gotten off track in the process.

But my view has changed recently. I've started to see more and more clearly that there is so much simply beyond my control in this world. At times, I've run into situations that are painful and unavoidably so. And even close family bonds can be tested and will fail that test. We can find our own limitations and realize that certain relationships have become untenable and it isn't anybody's fault at all.

Friends, family, romantic relationships--these can easily become a disaster no matter who we are, zen master, pro golfer, garbage man...It doesn't matter. Nobody is immune from life's challenges.

I used to idealize my teacher, and then I remember being surprised and vaguely disappointed when he mentioned an estranged sister who had been taken out of his mother's will. I remember being taken aback when he joked about being glad that he didn't have to deal with his sister anymore and that she couldn't get any cash from his mother. I thought it should be painful, and that as a "guru" he would be able to and willing to put up with a sister who had problems. That he would be saddened, at least, by the loss of a family member.

But life simply doesn't work this way. Things happen that surprises us and sometimes we just need to move on, even when its an utter catastrophe. Sometimes we do need to write people off because life is just too damn short. It doesn't seem very Buddhisty, but it's real.

Brad has been open about his own challenges navigating relationships, including some of the ridiculous in-fighting that goes on in Dogen Sangha. I used to hold him at least partly responsible for the soap opera, but I see now that it's simply impossible to avoid these things in life. Yes, there are times when we can put out fires or use compassion to handle situations better.

But no zen master is immune from human social woes. Another bubble burst, and happily so.

Read Me on Twitter

2010-02-02T16:18:00.000-08:00

It's a bit more of the humorous side of Gniz, but still plenty of sarcasm for those who enjoy that sort of thing. Oh, and if you like to read your horoscope....

http://twitter.com/yourfuturesays

How to Spot an Opinion and Kill it With Your Bare Hands

2010-02-02T06:38:00.001-08:00

One of the commentors made an interesting point in response to my last post. This anonymous poster (Sluma) said that people frequently mix up "feelings, thoughts and behaviors and emotions, opionions and deeds (what you do)."

And then anon #108 said that people mix them up because they're all kind of mixed in together.

I tend to agree. If I look at how an opinion or thought arises, it can happen in many different ways. However, I do believe that prior to the thought (or opinion) happening, there are a multitude of pre-verbal instantaneous bodily reactions that lead me to have that particular thought.

For instance, I might get home today and have an opinion that my wife should have turned the TV off in the bedroom instead of leaving it on. But prior to having this opinion or thought, my body may have felt the chemical pangs of not having eaten enough food recently. This sets of a chain-reaction where I am in some discomfort, and as a result of not having slept enough last night, my thoughts are also fuzzy and jumbled.

My body is tense. All these chemical reactions and changes in my body blend together, and, along with my natural tendencies and disposition--my general character--I suddenly have a thought that the TV in the bedroom should have been turned off. Not only do those "feelings" in my body help to create that particular thought, but they color the importance of the thought. They make it something that I might decide should be spoken aloud.

The intensity and duration of a feeling or thought will lead, frequently, to some kind of behavior around it. For instance, even thoughts that are silly, such as anxiety related fears; if a fearful thought is repetitive enough, with enough bodily reaction around it, frequently I will "do" something about it. I might tell someone I'm having this thought--"what's that lump in my balls"--or I may try to engage in some activity to distract my thinking. I might read a book or go for a walk. But I'm still behaving in ways that are effected by my feelings and thoughts.

A thought is fleeting, it is the emotional "charge" around the thought that makes it an opinion, or makes it something one feels the need to act on.

Also, I think the prevailing scientific wisdom (found in books such as Blink) is that humans can and often do make better split second decisions that occur before analytical thinking is ever engaged. Remember on the SATs they always tell you to go with your first answer?

So feelings, opinions, behaviors and emotions are not so separate as we like to pretend. Politics clearly shows that the thoughts and opinions we hold are more tied to our emotional state and our inner "feelings" than any real kind of objective or analytical thinking.

Therefore, it's understandable that people jumble up and confuse these words. I "feel" can replace "I have an opinion" because your feeling directly drives an opinion.

How does that impact us as meditators? I agree with Brad, that meditating can put us more firmly in touch with the deeper instinctual abilities that allow us to "thin-slice" situations without getting bogged down in unecessary analytical thinking. If our meditation relaxes us, it hopefully allows us to see things more clearly, and to understand the emotions and bodily sensations that are driving our thought-processes. Also, it can bring us in contact with some of the deepest areas of emotion--frequently that would be repressed pain and fear and sadness--and allow us to chip away at the bodily tension that stems from that.

But ultimately, for me, meditation teaches a kind of flexibility--that I use whatever tool is appropriate at the time. That might mean talking as if I'm in therapy, or using twelve step methodologies, or doing breathing techniques, or shikantaza type openness and receptiveness to my surroundings. I'm not tied to an ideology or point of view, but to a general direction of openness and curiosity about my experience. Open to feelings, thoughts, including the stuff that isn't so fun. Including my own psychological baggage that travels with me and weighs me down at times.

Enough rambling.

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings

2010-02-01T12:55:00.000-08:00

Staying on the topic at hand--a topic that seems to be on my mind a lot these days--yes, I'm talkin' bout feelings...

When I said that a lot of Buddhists don't acknowledge their pain and suffering, I think I made an accurate statement. Not just about Buddhists, of course. In general, people don't like to make themselves vulnerable, don't like to admit weakness.

I think that having this ideal of "nirvana" or going beyond suffering, can also inhibit our willingness to admit pain and shame and sadness.

The thing is, it can feel like we're being "bad meditators" when we admit that things might be feeling negative in our lives, or that we're struggling with painful emotional issues.

For me, in the past, I wanted to be able to let go of negative emotions, to release them. I worked on relaxation techniques as well as "seeing through" the transience of negative mind-states.

Although Buddhists might have different reasons for denying or repressing lots of painful and negative emotions, it seems to me that people in general share the tendency for doing this.

I can only say from my own experience that the times I have felt deeply understood by another person--particularly when that person saw or knew things about me that I was ashamed of--have been among the most positive and powerful moments of my life.

This is not meant to idealize negativity or sadness. Those emotions are not more "important" or "real" than happiness or contentment or positivity. However, they may be far more difficult to truly allow and express.

As we can see on the internet, anger is a much easier emotion to allow and express. I find that it feels much "cleaner" and empowering than sadness, hurt, etc. In my current situation, I have found that relying on anger seems to allow me to move on from things more easily. But I know that it's simply a cover up for the underlying pain. That anger will never take away the reality of the fear and pain I'm feeling underneath.

I've noticed on certain Buddhist forums (not to be named here), that when some participants became very expressive of their sadness and pain, other forum members would try to point them to the transient nature of things, sometimes even berating the sad person for not dealing with their pain in a sufficiently Buddhist manner. They might be accused of "dwelling" on those emotions rather than seeing through them to the "emptiness."

That kind of stuff is a little pathetic to me. Part of our real humanity is our ability to suffer, feel pain, and empathize. The types of people who are so desperate to overcome normal human emotions and be free of it all are probably the one's who need to feel it most.

But there is fear about this, because it seems to go against some of the basic principles of Buddhism. That there is a way out of suffering.

My feeling (no pun intended) is that the way out of suffering might be to not be afraid to deeply feel and deeply suffer anymore. Not that we would look for it or strive to suffer, but simply that when it happens, as it inevitably will--we are no longer terrified of feeling it in our bodies and minds.

If we somehow think that we will "go beyond" these things, it seems to me that this can lead easily to being a rather shallow person. I personally say that because I don't think it's possible, and therefore I believe that someone who embodies that ethic will be a rather cold, unfeeling human being. There are many examples of such unfortunates, as well as those close to them who are victimized by their delusions.

What I've just stated is countered, typically, by those who claim that the "unfeeling" or nihilistic Buddhist is a misunderstanding of true Buddhist philosophy.

Except that I think I see many examples of just such an ethos in action. You don't often find many Buddhists who talk openly about their own doubts, fears, trials and tribulations. Even as they speak eloquently about how to handle life's dramas, many teachers remain these rather idealistic positions above the fray. But its not real, and the petty infighting and squabbling that goes on in most Buddhist communities betrays that notion.

I'm not telling anyone to celebrate drama or negativity. I'm simply pointing out that self-reflection, analysis, the willingness to feel our deepest emotions and also talk about them with another human being, can be a very important part of the process. At least it has been for me.

Seacrest out.

Express yo'self

2010-01-30T15:55:00.000-08:00

J.D. Salinger said that if you publish your work, the world thinks you owe it something.

Does the same go for blogs? Does it go for Brad Warner? Doesn't it sometimes seem like we (the fans) think he owes us something?

Perhaps we feel like he owes us the truth about Buddhism, about his own character, motivations, or at least about whether or not he reads the comments section.

You might say that you don't owe the world anything, that nobody owes you anything either. But it's not true, from my perspective. We do owe things to ourselves, to our family, our girlfriends, boyfriends, etcetera. We owe people our best expression of ourselves, the must honest expression of our lives and emotions and pain and suffering.

It seems to me that so much of this world is just people hiding their pain and suffering--even in the Buddhist community, so much of it is made up of this stoic, frozen appearance. The calm, smiling monk who is at peace...that is the emblem. Buddha, smiling on his cushion.

But i would rather see a crying Buddha. A buddha that weeps unashamedly at the pain he has suffered and still feels. Why is there so much attention given to ending the expression of suffering? The real meeting has always occurred when we allow ourselves to deeply feel and express pain to another person, and feel loved and understood. When we can give that understanding to our own experience, there is an even larger release.

But instead, there is a pretense of knowledge, of understanding, wisdom and surety. There is glibness. There is tautology and philosophy. Spare me. Seriously, spare me.

Brad does owe us that much--by the way, I'm not saying he doesn't do it. But whether or not he does or doesn't, he owes it to those who are close to him, and maybe to his fans as well. It doesn't mean we should walk around weeping and sobbing and saying poor me, poor me. That's just more bullshit.

But honestly speaking about our inner emotions, turmoil, fear, etc. It's a useful thing to do. There is so much fear that is stuffed down into our bodies and some of us don't even know it exists. The anxiety, panic attacks, depression, all of these indicate the level of emotional repression that most of us are dealing with.

Anyway, just a few thoughts to amuse you.

Family Secrets

2010-01-26T09:25:00.000-08:00

Life has taken a dark turn for me over the last month or so.

It's funny (and scary) sometimes, how your perception of a person or situation can change so drastically in such a short span of time.

Recently, a family situation has arisen that required tremendous amounts of attention and concern from me and my wife. We got involved in some stuff that has proven to be very messy and painful.

I feel very confident, both from my own sense of right and wrong, as well as speaking with social workers, friends, therapists, etc. that we have done the appropriate things. But that doesn't change the fact that there is now a large rift in my family which is getting wider all the time and will quite honestly probably never heal.

There are people in my family who I now believe are untrustworthy and there are also children at risk. Because of this, I've taken some action, but I've also been cautious and perhaps not taken strong enough action just yet. It's a slippery situation that has no easy answers.

I will say that during this time, my practice has been much less consistent, and also that it's made me realize just how important "talking" is. Not just talking, but really being willing to communicate fears and doubts and shameful things such as secrets.

Secrets will kill you. They will drive you insane if you're not careful. I've found out some things about my family history, about shameful secrets that if they had been let out sooner, could have potentially saved relationships.

Buddhism doesn't talk a lot about this. Often you see people potraying themselves as strong, wise and enlightened. These folks don't need to talk about their feelings, their fears, their shame, because its all been wiped away. Or its all just "thoughts" and you let the thoughts pass like clouds in the sky...

That's all well and good. But i've seen in the last month just how vital it is for human beings to communicate with one another, to be unafraid to open up and share the deepest and darkest things they have experienced. Keeping these things inside will absolutely destroy you.

I am grateful that I have chosen a life of openness, that my wife and I tell each other nearly everything, no matter how embarassing it might feel. That although I may do some unkind things, that I've behaved in ways that still haunt me in my past, I have owned up to it all and brought everything into the light.

That is the best I can do.

Here You Will Find Me

2010-01-11T08:56:00.000-08:00

Staring, crusty-eyed with sleep at the computer screen, trying to remember why I...used to think there was such a thing as spiritual supermen. Even after I'd long given up reading comic books, long after I stopped believing in elves and magical realms.

Do you know, I used to wander the forests near my home and long for another world to disappear into, a place like the books I'd read, so vivid in my mind that I can still feel and smell it now. I can almost remember knowing that over the next hill, the next rise, I would find my real home.

But here I sit, at my computer, coffee nearby, pretending to work as I take breaths measured out by the tic of a clock. My life is practical now. There are no long walks in the woods, searching for other realms, no more comic books, no more dreams of superheroes. My spiritual supermen have gone down in flames like fighter jets in WWII, and if they didn't survive the war I'm not surprised.

There is reality, it's here, beneath my fingertips. There's family, and the smell of desperation and pain. And I'm happy. My heroes have been replaced by the wounded, the frail, the human beings of flesh and blood and sweat. I will never be perfect, courage and faith will never come easily to me. My heart still hammers in my chest, my stomach churns. I will forever be a child, in awe of this world.

There may be another realm, just next to this one. There may be redemption for those lost souls, the one's who don a mask and cape and act the part. There may be a time when my heart will not hammer in my chest and my breath does not come, measured in tics by the clock. And if I don't still look for that distant hill, what may or may not appear over that next rise, it is not because I didn't try.

The Uncertain Future of Reblogging Brad Warner

2010-01-08T06:18:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been a bad blogger.

I think I may have warned everyone in the beginning that this blog wasn't a huge priority for me and that it might fall into disrepair at some point.

That's been tempting recently, as some unfortunate family stuff has taken up a great deal of time and attention, making this blog seem less and less important over the last week or two.

However, a few comments made me rethink my inclination to just let Reblogging Brad Warner die a quiet death. People said that they actually "get something" useful out of it, and that makes me feel a little responsibility to try and keep it afloat.

Here are the problems, and I'd love to get some feedback on them. In fact, I'd been meaning to write a "coming clean" post at some point, where I would admit to some uncomfortable but perhaps obvious truths about Reblogging Brad Warner.

The first and most important thing is that I really did care how many people read the blog. I would frequently (don't ask how much) go to the tracking site and look at how many hits I was getting and what posts were generating the most attention. As you can surmise, posts lambasting Genpo Roshi and Ken Wilber, especially the ones that had a lot of detail about scandals were pretty high on the list. Whereas the more contemplative posts about meditation and practice (which in my opinion had more value) generated relatively low interest.

Everyone always knew I was an attention whore so this might not be a big admission, but it's important as far as my integrity goes. See, I could spend a long time just finding more sensationalized dirt to write about guys like Genpo and Andrew Cohen. I could also write about other popular issues, the various feuds and so forth, as I've done in the past.

But it would be dishonest, because I've already said most of what I have to say on those subjects. Now, I might at some point feel sufficiently bothered by a new revelation about Big Mind or Mondo Zen that I actually want to write a piece about them. But I don't want to force it, simply to attract an audience.

This is the same problem I found in the past. It might be that I'm not an engaging or imaginative enough writer to interest people when contemplating more mundane topics. But it just seems that the stuff people want to read is the more sensational material. And I get a little bummed when I see that 75 percent of my traffic is gone and I'm talking with the same three bloggers about breathing meditation.

Anyhow, this blog is at a crossroads. Although I might continue to discuss Brad Warner, I'm not truly reblogging him anymore (I also kept that going because of traffic reasons). People have clearly noticed this.

So what is this place? A watchdog site? I don't think so.

You tell me.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK--HOLOSYNC STYLE

2009-12-30T13:05:00.001-08:00

It has come to my attention that Bill Harris, who I discussed in a previous post has sent a Cease and Desist letter to a blogger who wrote an unflattering article about Holosync. The article in question was linked to from my previous blog post as well.

Note that these types of legal threats are simply fear tactics used by people that are afraid of any kind of honest criticism.

Bill Harris is a close business partner of Dennis Merzel (aka Genpo Roshi).

FINAL NOTE: I'd really love to see some other high-profile Buddhists be as courageous as Brad Warner in actively taking on Genpo Roshi and his "friends" in the public sphere. Concerned bloggers like NellaLou and Mumon have been regularly posting, but it would be nice to see some others try to step out of the box and address this stuff head on (ya hear that Jundo?).

HARDCORE ZEN: MEXICO TRIP REPORT

2009-12-30T06:51:00.000-08:00

FOLLOW THE LINK TO: HARDCORE ZEN: MEXICO TRIP REPORT

CLIFFS: In which Brad talks even more about Mexico and Mysterion returns to dominate the comments section once again.

Making Millions as A Buddhist Teacher is Fine By Me

2009-12-29T10:37:00.001-08:00

While sitting on the can this morning, I got to thinking about the business of teaching meditation for a living. And while considering this notion, I found some disowned voices and shadows that I had to work with--just kidding.

But I did find that I was maybe realizing some things that were new to me about the subject of earning a living as a teacher of meditation/sprituality/Buddhism.

I realized that I don't really have a problem with people making a living teaching meditation, if that is their passion. I mean, I want to write for a living, that is my passion. Neither activity is better or worse than the other. In a perfect world, we could all be paid to do the things we love and are passionate about. Obviously, it's not a perfect world, but I don't begrudge anybody the attempt to do what they love and be compensated for it.

I think most of the readers of this blog would probably agree with the above statements.

So where does this issue around teachers making a buck (or a million bucks) come from?

Here's the thing. My belief is that all forms of meditation are simply tools--expedient means to achieve the desired result of "being present." Some may nitpick with my wordchoices here (or claim that there is no desired result), but let's just try to use this definition for simplicity's sake. Meditation is a tool used to achieve "presence". By achieving the result of presence, we see reality as it is (which some would say is nirvana, enlightenment, etc).

A lot more goes into it, just like saying that to hit a major league fastball, we simply need to swing a bat and connect with the ball. That is true, as far as it goes.

But 99 percent of average people cannot hit a major league fastball, just as 99 percent of people are not enlightened or present on a consistent basis.

Because the task of being present is difficult for various reasons, there are teachings and practices created around it. There are coaches, if you will.

However, the truth of the matter is that the way to become better at being present is the same way that other things in life are achieved. And why should it not be the case? If being present is a real skill, then it should conform to the other real skills in life. Practice, dilligence, discipline, maybe some natural ability or interest can help us become more present, more consistently. So although teaching or coaching may have its place, a coach cannot replace work ethic and talent in any field.

Which brings us back to the people I have taken to calling scam artists. And why do I call them scam artists? Is it because they make a lot of money for their services? No, because there are great coaches and teachers and service providers in every field that earn a lot of money. And rightfully so.

However, most GOOD coaches and teachers and service providers are ethical and honest about what they are providing. That is, they don't promise something that is unrealistic or false. They don't mislead their clients. So here is where it comes back to basics about personal integrity. And let's also face it: Personal integrity is one of the foundations of most spiritual practices, which makes it even more important in this arena than almost any other.

A good coach will tell you; look, here's where your abilities are and here is what I can do to help you. They will almost always admit that there are other methods out there, other teachers, and that whatever technique they use to get "results" is simply what they have found to be effective and helpful. If a good teacher says this, you still might be willing to fork over a lot of dough to be motivated, taught, whatever.
If it's worth the money to you, then fine.

A coach or teacher who is lacking integrity will tell you that their way is the only way, the best way, it's so new that nobody else is doing it. You can't ever achieve results without this special technique or insight or teaching. This is demonstrably false in most cases. It is very rare in life that somebody has found a technique or teaching that absolutely revolutionalizes whatever field it is a part of. Yes, at times there are revolutionary techniques or discoveries made, but it is sufficiently rare enough that one should be skeptical of it. Especially if the "revolutionary" technique involves you spending lots of money to find out about it.

Also, most good teachers will not associate with people of dubious personal character. For obvious reasons. And especially, most good teachers or business people will not link their businesses to unreputable and dishonest characters.

Why would they? Most great teachers are also very good judges of character, and fairly savvy. That's not to say there won't be exceptions. We're simply talking about generalities here.

If you are a beginner in almost any endeavor, you normally will start with the basics, foundational practices. Generally speaking, a beginning guitar student does not need to take lessons from a highly accomplished jazz guitarist. Especially given the price of such lessons, a beginning student can usually learn from a person who knows the basics well enough and is able to teach (just like a little league pitcher doesn't need a major league pitching coach). Then, perhaps if a great deal of aptitude is shown by the student, or after some serious time is put into the basics, you might want to get a teacher who will discuss the more "advanced" concepts and theory and so forth.

I understand that not all of these analogies cross-over to meditation, but I think there is enough similarity to make a comparison. And to go further; if anything, I believe less teaching is needed for meditation than something like playing jazz guitar or hitting a major league fastball, etc. So if we are going to err in any direction, it would be on the side of not needing as much guidance in regards to meditation, as certain other activities in life.

But let's just assume that I am someone who has done the basics of meditation and so forth, I have a foundation of practice but am struggling in certain areas and want to receive guidance. Perhaps, then, I am ready to fork over the cash to someone like Dennis Merzel who will maybe help me break through certain roadblocks, motivate me, help me to see certain unusual techniques that reinvigorate my practice. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt, that Big Mind can at least do this much.

That would be fine, in my opinion. Nothing wrong with that, nor is there anything wrong with him charging significant amounts of money to do that.

The problem is, Dennis Merzel claims that Big Mind is a "revolutionary" new breakthrough. It is completely unique. Not only that, he claims that it does something new and unique specifically for beginning practitioners, which goes against my theory. My theory is that a beginning practitioner can learn the basics almost anywhere, and thus does not need a special new technique in order to begin to meditate and reap the rewards.

So now we come to the crux of the issue. Is Big Mind truly a revolutionary technique, and is it revolutionary for beginners? Does it add something valuable or allow growth that normally would not occur? We cannot know this for sure. This is the nature of spirituality and meditation, in that it is difficult to pinpoint what the measuring stick is for achievement or results.

But we can make some assessments based on a few principles. I think the company Merzel keeps is one significant signpost. As I stated earlier, it is atypical for a person of integrity to surround themselves with criminals and cheats. I believe Merzel fails this first test. Secondly, he obfuscates and talks around the issues. He is not at all transparent. This can be heard in his interviews where he uses a lot of jargon, some of which is part of the Buddhist lexicon and some of which is part of Jungian analysis, and other terms which are part of Ken Wilbers Integral theory.

So, if you disagree with my assessment of Dennis Merzel, likely you disagree with one of the following points:

1. That a beginning meditator can learn basic foundational practices in a number of disciplines and from a number of sources, well enough to reap the benefits for a time, before a more "advanced" teaching is needed. (NOTE: Here I am assuming that an "advanced" teaching even exists, which I am not certain of in the least...but just for the benefit of the doubt to people like Genpo and Wilber)

2. That a teacher can charge whatever the market will bear for their services, assuming that they are truthful and honest about what they are providing and transparent about their business practices.

3. That personal integrity is a foundational part of most spiritual practices--in other words, a seasoned and skilled meditator should also be someone who is honest and forthright. And that a person of integrity will almost always surround themselves with other people of integrity.

4. That "revolutionary" breakthroughs in any field are sufficiently rare enough to be approached cautiously and with a great deal of scrutiny before accepting them as "truth."

Genpo Roshi's Big Bullshit Interview on Buddhist Geeks

2009-12-27T19:08:00.000-08:00

Wow. I just spent the last thirty minutes or so listening to Genpo Roshi being interviewed on the Buddhist Geeks website. The interview is called Returning to the Marketplace, and is almost entirely devoted to Merzel discussing his decision to heavily market and sell his brand of Zen.

As I was listening, I honestly wondered; how it is that a person of normal intelligence doesn't see right through this guy? That's how ridiculous I find Dennis Merzel's shtick. I took notes as I listened, so that I could more accurately recall some of what he said, but if I could sum it up in a few words, it would be...BULLSHIT.

This guy can sure sling it.

Maybe it helps that I grew up with a father who was a great salesman and spent some time doing sales myself, but the silver-tongued folks like Dennis simply don't pass muster with me. But let's get back to the cold hard facts.

I give the interviewer points for slightly challenging Merzel on his 5-5-50 program, which is where Genpo spends 5 days with 5 people on retreat, for $50,000 dollars a piece. Genpo mentioned that thirty people have done the program in the last 2 years (since its inception). You do the math.

Genpo spends the entire interview talking his way around the issue of money and marketplace in the spiritual realm. Now, don't get me wrong. It's an important and complex subject, but Merzel doesn't even begin to do it justice. Instead, he prattles on about his own "breakthroughs" around his various "shadows," owning "disowned" parts of himself and so forth. It's simply hogwash.

If I had been interviewing Dennis Merzel, I would have tied the money into a different perspective. You see, although Merzel doesn't want to face it, there are just as many ethical considerations around making money once you've "owned" your greed as there is when you are pretending to be a poor, starving monk. But the interviewer won't ask Merzel about his ties to people like Andrew Cohen, who has been accused on numerous occasions of extorting money from his students when they were under mental duress. He doesn't probe Genpo around the ethics of partnering with Bill Harris of Holosync (binaural CDs and "the secret").

The interviewer never asks Genpo to address the fact that both he and Harris promise some very extreme and over-the-top results from their techniques, and is it ethical to market the material in a fashion that leads people to perhaps expect things that aren't realistic?

In this interview, Merzel does what so many con artists do when discussing difficult and sensitive topics. First, he starts with something that has a grain of truth to it. Merzel says that there are a lot of notions about spiritual people not being greedy, or competitive, or sexual. And Merzel says that this is not a realistic perspective. Most of us would probably agree with this position, of course. But then Genpo makes a leap and says that he has had "breakthroughs" and realized that he needs to work in this realm of the marketplace. That it is now time for him to bring consciousness and awareness to the marketplace.

This is a leap because it makes assumptions. Why is it Merzel's job to bring his supposed awakened perspective to the marketplace, and how does Big Mind actually do this, other than profiting from the wealthy yuppies that appear to be attracted to his teachings?

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with a teacher making a living. The issue becomes one of ethics. Who are you associating with, what are you promising and does your product or service actually deliver? And what are the motivations and ramifications around such things? I think I've already done a thorough job of detailing that Merzel has little or no quality control around who he partners with and surrounds himself with. So he can blabber on all he wants about owning shadows and so forth, but that doesn't mean a damn thing when the facts are on the table. The man is a greedy opportunist who profits off the weak and gullible.

If you want a peak into Merzel's mindstate, just forward about twenty minutes into the audio when interviewer has the "temerity" to continue to probe Dennis about his financial aspirations. Despite claiming that he "doesn't give a shit" what anyone thinks, I believe Merzel becomes very defensive...and rightfully so. He claims that the naysayers are just "jealous." This guy really has balls, don't he?

I mean, speaking for myself--I LIKE having money. I make a good deal of money, as does my wife, and I hope to someday have even more. I don't begrudge anybody earning a living. A good living at that. But it doesn't give you free license to lie, cheat and swindle your way to riches. And this is what Dennis Merzel doesn't get. You are the company you keep. And the way you sell and market yourself, the promises you make, the lies you tell to earn a buck...it all matters.

In and out of the shadows.

NOTE: For just a taste of some of the amazing fruit borne from Genpo's teaching, check out this blog and this site!