I got up this morning feeling good. Well of course, it's Friday, so I feel decidedly better then I did waking up on Monday, facing another dull workweek. I hopped in the shower and started thinking about my practice (always a bad sign). Anyway, whilst doing a bit of scrubbing and brain noodling, I decided to really motivate for the billionth time in an attempt to be more conscious.
Yes, in general I feel like I'm bringing more consciousness to my day, there will usually be a few pockets of time where I am trying to breathe and relax. And I've been keeping up with my 20 minutes of sitting time (not zen sitting mind you, I sit in a chair and stare at a clock).
But overall, I've fallen off from a very nice period I had for about 2-3 weeks where I was much more consistently trying to relax and breathe on a moment to moment basis. I even was bringing that awareness to my conversations. I would practice talking and breathing and relaxing which seems silly but really isn't.
I am not sure what happens, but routinely I will get into a nice rhythm with my practice and then over a course of a few weeks or days it starts to slowly drift away from me. I can sense it and feel it happening, and yet am unable to reverse the process of going back to my typical unconscious state.
So, today I told myself to motivate and I took a few extra moments before getting my old ass body out of the tub to relax and focus on my breathing. And for a couple of hours I was doing a little better at keeping that awareness.
Even now I am doing a bit better than normal. But somewhere it starts to unravel.
Always.
Something distracts me or makes me tense. Some thought that feels so important or pressing. or maybe I just get super curious about who won Dancing with The Stars and become fixated on googling the results of the show, losing all awareness of where I am or what I am doing as I read about this silly tv show.
Guru Steve has told me ad nauseum that my problem is I pay more attention to what I am doing then how I am doing it.
In *most* cases (excluding things like warning someone not to touch a hot stove), making sure I am relaxing and breathing is more important then whatever else I am trying to accomplish. And in fact, by relaxing and breathing while I do it, I tend to do IT better--whatever IT might be.
And yet, somewhere, somehow, the moment gets away from me. Does it get away from you?
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24 comments:
Another great post!
and right on time
I too pay more attention to the what than the how!!!
is attending to breathing the best approach to this?
"is attending to breathing the best approach to this?"
Of course if you ask me I will say yes. But ultimately you need to find what works for you. That in my opinion is always the answer: what works for you?
Others will tell you that you can attend to various things. Attend to the thoughts, attend to physical sensations in the body...etc
My teacher taught me this way, and I believe it makes sense. Breathing is one of the most consistent things we do as living beings. Not only is oxygen more necessary then food or water, but breathing is one of the few autonomic body processes that we can obtain a degree of control over.
Breathing, in my experience, directly corresponds to tension levels in the rest of the body and clarity of thinking.
Although I am not always so aware of it, when i pay attention, I can see that when tense I often hold my breath for short periods of time or breathe very shallowly. I also tend to tense various muscle groups.
By becoming aware of moment to moment tension levels, I can seek to relax and pay better attention via my body. Hopefully this will allow me to have a generally more pleasant existence, pay more attention, and lessen the suffering of myself and others.
The rest I am still trying to figure out!
Hi Gniz,
Sticking my oar in again...
"I decided to really motivate for the billionth time in an attempt to be more conscious...
trying to breathe and relax...
much more consistently trying to relax and breathe on a moment to moment basis...
I told myself to motivate...
making sure I am relaxing and breathing..."
You already know what I think about this meditation business, Gniz. And it really wouldn't be any of my business if it weren't that you're putting it out there and inviting comment. So without apologies, and one more time:
Perhaps your trying too hard.
I don't like to give direct advice. I'm worried people won't like it/me.....Here's some more direct advice: Let go. It does itself. It (not only breathing) is already doing itself.
"But...Always. Something distracts me or makes me tense..."
Of course. At the risk of sounding smug - again - what does that tell you? That you're not doing it well enough? Or that you're looking in the wrong place; looking 'somewhere else'? What is it that 'distracts' you, and from what? What are you trying to avoid?
"And yet, somewhere, somehow, the moment gets away from me. Does it get away from you?"
Never. This is the moment. Here's another one. "It cannot be grasped" (old Buddhist proverb), nor can it *get away*. No moment can be avoided. And that's a fact; not just cryptic Zen bs.
But you're clearly committed to what you're doing and believe in it. It engages you and might be just what you need. What do I know?
All the best and Happy Holidays :)
Hey Anon 108,
I LOVE when you stick your oar in! Paddle around my brother, this ocean is for everyone. I value and enjoy your opinion though it diverges from mine own.
You say a moment cannot get away. Yes, but this is a figure of speech. The moment doesn't get away, but my ability to notice it does.
Honestly, do you think that a newbie sitting Zazen his very first time has an appreciation of the moment to moment quality of sitting the same as Dogen or Nishijima or yourself?
There is something and its the ability to allow oneself to appreciate and pay attention to this very moment. I think you know that.
The fact that I own up to my struggle to pay attention doesn't diminish the practice. I pay attention more now then I did ten years ago. So my efforts do make a difference, it is not all simply trying and failing and on and on.
Would you say the same to a person learning to throw a baseball? It takes years of practice.
Your method works for you apparently and I welcome your thoughts. As you say, I am "putting it out there."
But, alas, I am not sure we find much agreement in our methods. I still love you 108. Truly.
Aww... I like you too, G. Erm...lots.
The moment doesn't get away, but my ability to notice it does.
That'll be a "didn't notice the moment" moment - and I'll bet Dogen, like you and I, had plenty.
BTW, after a long gap, I'm reading bits of ol Dogen's ol Shobogenzo again. One thing I'd forgotten is that it really motivates me to keep doing the zazen thing.
Laters!
more like you get away from the moment, the moment doesn't 'go' anywhere
This isn't like being a guard on watch, or like a cat in front of the mousehole (talk about attending to the moment!---cats' attention is palpable! between their eyes/body and that mousehole there is no gap whatsoever!).
I personally have come to see attending to each moment more like skating the moment.
balance
when you aren't balanced, something happens--gravity takes over
unraveling--an interesting term you use here; I have heard Shinzen Young (Insight Meditation) talk about the braided strand of several awarenesses, and the unraveling of this strand: aware of thought, aware of sensation, aware of feelings (I forget exactly what they are).
we use different images and metaphors to talk about and describe the habits of the active mind
when the habits are studied, it is helpful
habits aren't the mind:
the mind's thoughts/habits of thought are like doing cat's cradle with your hands and string
all these shapes evolve one into the other
unraveling is good
coming back to first breath of awareness over and over is excellent, I think
I'm glad I see it this way, because this gives me a great many excellent instances of awareness of breath after having unraveled.
righting myself after momentary 'unbalance'
I see the realization of the lapse as greatly beneficial
I therefore see the lapse itself as beneficial
before the lapse, also beneficial
and returning to before the lapse after the lapse (unaware) and the realization of the lapse (aware)
if you ask me it is not possible to have awareness without being aware there is a lack of awareness
even though at the time we are unaware we are unaware of being unaware.
I have experienced the state of awareness which is aware that it is aware I have also experienced being aware that I had just been not aware of being aware (hence I had not been aware)
But I postulate there is a state of awareness that is not aware of being aware.
Now, if you ask me--not being aware of being aware and not being aware of not being aware is one and the same place: unselfconscious
gniz?
Anon, gniz, anybody -
Has your experience led you to believe that you have any control over when you're aware and when you're unaware?
Don't think it's control as much as encouraging conditions favorable to it
If you want plants, plant their seeds and water them appropriately to the conditions
Yes, my experience has led me to believe I can control when I am aware and when not. But that is using the typical assumptions of control. In the end, that control may be an illusion.
But as much as I can control my temper, or whether or not I do my laundry today, I can control if I am aware.
But that doesn't mean I'm perfect at it, anymore then I am perfect at keeping my temper or doing my laundry.
I don't see why having some aversion to effort means I have no control...
To clarify my last point: I believe that the reason I generally am not more aware is because it takes effort, and just like anything else that takes effort--at times I simply choose not to do it.
Thanks guys.
Sounds to me, G, like you're saying a similar thing to anon: that you can encourage conditions conducive to (a general level of) alertness (a better word for what I think you're talking about). That makes sense.
I was querying moment to moment awareness/lack of awareness, such as we notice during meditation ("I'm now aware of myself here and now"/"I'm now aware that I've just been unaware of myself for a while.")
In those moments of lack of (self/other -)awareness what/who tells what/who to come back to awareness?
...A decision to 'become aware again' presupposes one controlling will/mind/self that controls (another?) will/mind/self's awareness, doesn't it? That doesn't make any sense to me. And, more significantly, is not what I notice in zazen. "I" have never become aware that "I" am unaware and then consciously, wilfully directed my self to snap out of it; I just find myself suddenly back, here-and-now aware - and notice it; am aware again. Then lost, then aware, over and over.
...Not something I believe I'll ever get to the bottom of, but that's what I've concluded from my experience: "I" don't control "my" awareness. That conclusion tells me something important about my ideas of "self" and its illusory notions of what is happening. FWIW.
Adapting anon's earlier use of "unselfconscious" -
"Self/other-consciousness" may be a useful synonym for the 'awareness' I'm talking about.
Hey Anon 108: You say, " "I" have never become aware that "I" am unaware and then consciously, wilfully directed my self to snap out of it; I just find myself suddenly back, here-and-now aware - and notice it; am aware again. Then lost, then aware, over and over."
This is basically congruent with my experience as well, except that I find there is an ability to strive to maintain that "being back"-ness for periods of time when I make efforts to do so.
And when I "am away", I would argue that there is in fact a part of me that is aware of my awayness, this is similar to what the anon above was trying to say (correct me if I'm wrong, anon).
In other words, there are multiple layers and strands of awareness, and sometimes I am totally in la-la land--or maybe just 99 percent there--and other times I am keeping an awareness of "here" while also being ensconced in thinking, planning, daydreaming.
But I find that I can "snap" myself back into this moment as well as "find" myself back in this moment. Both happen, I don't think only one or the other is possible.
You are right in wondering what is it that controls this awareness? I have often thought that there is a "mind" which controls "awareness". Awareness is under conscious control, which is why I can say to myself, "I want to be more aware of my big toe" or "be aware of sounds" and those things will pull into focus. It is my mind which controls that awareness.
I am not sure that this is so, but it certainly feels that way. I think awareness flows out of mind the way water flows from a hose. It can be controlled and used in a way, but it is also its own energy in some way...it comes from a deeper source maybe...
But much of this is speculation. All I can say is that it does FEEL to me as though I can choose to use awareness in various ways, as opposed to waiting to snap back to it of its own accord...but perhaps I just haven;t looked deeply enough into it to realize my understanding is flawed...
thank you gniz and 108
this is helpful, this discussion of awareness, coming back to awareness
I don't know that I'd say awareness flows out of mind like water from a hose....
awareness seems to be a group participation kind of a thing
it has moments of arousal and moments of quiescence
what we are calling 'aware of being aware' maybe an aroused state of awareness; although I would guess it possible to be highly aware and not aware of being aware...
quiescence...not aware of being not aware
Maybe awareness itself goes through cycles
maybe it is possible to do awareness calisthenics and build up one's awareness endurance levels by doing lots of 'awareness reps'!
new year coming....new resolutions anyone?
I think a better title for the blog would be
'better than reblogging Brad Warner'
'cause it is!
by group participation kind of thing I meant to say that it is something shared by others in a conjoint kind of way of some sort
This 'awareness' is fascinating
I remember way back when I was in training people would look through the two way mirror and give feedback
Some people were uncanny at almost simultaneously 'mirroring' another's movements
One person in particular was amazing in matching the moevements of the patient/client she was counseling.
When this was told to her, she had no idea that she was doing this. It was a pure response
She was not aware of being aware
but her awareness was right there
awareness is not the same as consciousness
maybe use of the term 'aware of being aware' is really saying 'i am conscious of being aware'
You may well be right, G, that "there are multiple layers and strands of awareness." Next time I sit I'll see if I can can get my mind to monitor the mind that's monitoring itself being aware/unaware ;)
"How many minds have you got?" (Huang-Po).
And thanks, anon for the 'shared/group' angle. I don't understand it at all, but is that a similar idea to some models of consciousness informed by quantum theory? Sadly, it's all greek to me .
Hi Anon #108,
I do not really play semantics games such as "how does a moment get away" or "how many minds do you have?"
Some ways of describing things are used for ease of communication, rather than a completely accurate description.
You talk about going and then becoming aware of being back. I could ask you "who is it that goes and comes back?" Or where is there to go?
But I don't ask those kinds of questions because they don't mean anything. I understand what you mean (I think) by becoming suddenly aware of being here, being back...
What I have tried to discuss is that there is, in my experience, layers of this going and coming back. I don't see it as an either now you see it now you don't phenomenon. Sometimes I'm sorta kinda here, sometimes I am bouncing back and forth like a tennis ball, etc. And then within that, I can have awareness of various things (my vision, my thoughts, sounds, breathing, a conversation).
An awareness of "being here" is just one facet of it, as far as I can tell. And within that, there are layers. That is what I have experienced.
This does not mean I have "many minds", or maybe it does. I do not claim enlightenment so perhaps this state is just a reflection of my unenlightened mind's workings.
I do not care really, i just describe what I experience to the best of my ability. If that does not jibe with your experiences, fine. Whether or not that makes me wrong, or you wrong, is quite beside the point.
I believe your practice works for you if you say it does.
("How many minds do you have?" I meant as a kind of joke - I have no idea what an 'enlightened' answer to that question might be).
Yes indeed, Gniz - we all have different motivations, different observations and different ways of evaluating and describing them...even if occasional common ground appears to emerge when we compare notes. Right and wrong is, for sure, beside the point.
We've reached complete agreement :)
"I think awareness flows out of mind the way water flows from a hose. It can be controlled and used in a way, but it is also its own energy in some way...it comes from a deeper source maybe..."
As long as we are comparing notes.. It seems to me that there are levels, layers, strands of obscurations to awareness. Each of these things need to be chipped away at. I think that the pure animal awareness that resides in each one of us is under a mountain of learned and inherited behavior and circumstances. This learned and inherited behavior and personal circumstances makes up our karma. It's what we do. These things and our daily mental and physical wellness can color our awareness from moment to moment. In my conception, Buddhist practice is the uncovering of our real nature through slowly examining every detail of the predilections that make us who we are.
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